How to deal with fiance's ex

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8705 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why is it wrong for them to stay friends?

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MathTeacher:  I wouldn’t have put up with that relationship to start with.  Some people can be friend with their exes but if he’s her knight in shining armor, their relationship is inappropriate.  It’s not his responsibility to take care of her or cheer her up once they are no longer a couple.  Does his relationship with her interfere with your relationship with him?  If so, you need to agree on rules regarding his friendship with her.  Nothing good generally comes of these situations and you can check here on the Bee and other relationship sites for similar ex situations that caused major problems later on.

Post # 6
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@MathTeacher:  She calls him in the middle of the night if she gets upset and always wants to meet with him when I am gone.  

HELL NO!!!

Post # 7
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

No way, Jose!

Post # 8
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@MathTeacher:  Ooooh, sticky situation. I understand your feelings. But it has been a long time since they were involved romantically and they have been friends for a very long time after they ended it. I think a friendship between should be ok as long as there are boundaries and they aren’t too involved in each other’s personal lives. If she’s calling at 2am because she’s upset, that would not be ok with me. If he’s talking to her about your relationship issues that would also not be ok with me. So I guess it really depends on if it’s making you uncomfortable with good reason and he’s ignoring your feelings, I would see that as an issue. Can you try and look at it from the outside? Does it seem truly inappropriate or is it just a tinge of jealousy? (FYI I am a little jealous where my FI is concerned, a little jealousy is normal) If it does then I would definitely have a sit down talk and make sure I’m heard. If he want to hear me I would point that out too, that he’s not understanding how strongly I feel about this.

ETA: A lot of posting happened while I was typing that! Wow. Anyway, in light of the fact that she’s calling in the middle of the night and wanting to meet him privately…HELL MOTHER F-ING NO! Nope, nope, nope. NOT OK!

Post # 9
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - castle green

wait an ex fiance, not just an ex ex?

i dont have problems with the FI being friends with an ex here and there.. an ex fiance, okay…. sure…. but if shes always running to him, needing him when shes got issues, calling in the middle of the night, that would make me feel uncomfortable. Almost like shes holding onto him for the emotional support they had when they were engaged. 

Post # 10
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m assuming you began your relationship knowing about his friendship with his ex-fiancé. If you did it isn’t fair for you to ask him to stop being friends. You don’t need to trust her, you just need to trust him. Even if she has other motives, you need to be confident in what you two have together. 

 

Post # 11
Member
2630 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@ctocchi2:  +1

When you talk to him about it, are you trying to get him to completely stop being her friend? Perhaps you can say that you’re uncomfortable with the late night calling and attempts to get him with her in private settings. That seems like a good compromise in terms of drawing a line. That being said, if the two of you have discussed this multiple times only to keep hitting the same stalemate, it’s probably time to back off and trust him to do the right thing.

Post # 12
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I wouldn’t make them stop being friend but definately set hard boundaires like no calling after a certain time unless it is a true emergency and no seeing each other behind your back  and no innapropriate behavior and let him and her know how you feel and why.

Post # 13
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Neither here nor there but I wouldn’t have let a man slipped a ring on my finger if he was maintaing that kind of relationship with an ex.

Calling in the middle of the night?  I would be answering that phone and pointing out how inappropriate she was being – I doubt she would have wanted women calling him in the middle of the night when they were engaged.

You need to have a talk with him about boundaries – put your foot down.

Post # 14
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MathTeacher:  I know this situation isn’t ideal- I totally understand that.  But I think what it really comes down to is how strong of a relationship you have with you FI.  I know that might be difficult to hear or swallow- but it’s true.

I have a son with my ex.  Naturally, we are in contact.  Sometimes, he comes over to our house to see our son.  While I have absolutely NO desire to be with my ex, there have been times where we have been in contact for reasons other than our son.  

Once, when I was very PMSsy (yes, my hormones can occasionally turn me into temporary mega bitch)- I was not-so-friendly with FI.  I ended up calling my son’s dad and talking to him about it.  Why?  Not because I don’t have any other friends to call and talk to.  Not because I really wanted to talk to my ex (I didn’t!)- but because I knew he would understand- he knew exactly how I had behaved, and he understood was FI was going through- and it’s easy to talk to someone who already understands, vs trying to explain it all to someone else.

Recenlty_ I had a short-lived meltdown while dealing with dresses.  Now FI knows me really well– so it’s not like he wouldn’t understand.  But he uses his hands at job a lot, and can’t really be on the phone.  And I needed to talk to someone ASAP.  So I called my ex- again- because he knows me pretty well and I just needed someone to tell me everything was going to be OK.  None of this contact I have with my ex is a secret or hidden.  I’ll happily pick up the phone if ex calls when FI is right there with me.  

FI doesn’t love my ex (there is a long history, and he is an alcoholic)-but never once has he made negative comments.  He’s also explained to me what while he doesn’t *love* that I talk to ex, he isn’t threatened by him in the least- NOR SHOULD HE BE.  Which is the most important part.  

As long as your FI is tending to YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST- then him having a friendship with his ex- whom he obviously had a long friendship with- shouldn’t be an issue.  They had thier chance to be together.  It didn’t work for a reason.  It makes even more sense since she seems to have a mental disorder- he likely makes a great backbone and supportive friend for her.  

I’m sure part of the reason she only wants to hang with him when youre not around is because she doesn’t want to share her problems and issues with everyone- and she feels confortable with him.  This part- I don’t know.  I don’t see this as threatening your relationship in the least, but I can see how it would be more annoying for you.  I’m just saying it sort of makes sense….even though I completely understand you not liking it.

The only reason I would be concerned is if he started putting HER needs bfore YOURS.

Post # 15
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@MathTeacher:  I personally wouldn’t marry someone who was still happy to serve as a go-to person and confidant for their ex-fiancé.  To me, in order for a marriage to work, both people have to give the marriage 100%.  How can your fiancé give you 100% if he is still so emotionally involved with and connected to his ex? The time he is investing in her should be time he is investing in you and your life together.  If I were in that situation, I would tell him that it didn’t work for me.  If he couldn’t emotionally separate from his ex, I would break up with him.

This is one of those situations that some people will have no problem with, while others, like myself, will see major potential red flags. There will be people who say that it’s fine for them to be friends, but it’s only fine if it is fine with YOU.  If something in your gut tells you that you should be uncomfortable with their relationship, listen to your gut. Marriage is a serious thing. I wouldn’t start one off by pretending to “be cool” with something I was not cool with.

Post # 16
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Uhhh … no

There have to be rules and boundries. You can trust your FI all you want but if a woman decided shes going to go after your man, and im not saying thats the case here, lies and maliciousness they spin can cause so many problems. 

I once decide to stay friends with an ex and although my FI trusted me, the ex causing trouble put a strain on us. There was always a moment, even for a second where hed be flirty, He would text me when he saw FI out and ask me if  I knew where FI was and then get me involved in his new girl mess. My FI was like why are you letting that man do this to us. 

I believe an ex is an ex and they should stay in the past but even if i made this exception for the relationship theres no way id be sharing my ex with his ex fiance at 2 in the morning. Come to some sort of medium like  – hey, its cool talking to your ex but not at this hour or not every time she has a breakdown, she must have other friend and im sure your poor FI doesnt want to go running after her all those times either. 

 

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