(Closed) HOW TO DEAL WITH FMIL DRESS ISSUE? [ VERY LONG]

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MASPA:  Not trying to be harsh, but maybe take a bit of a step back and think about whether this is really that important and worth possibly hurting your FMIL over. At the end of the day, no one is going to confuse the moms as bridesmaids and if they feel happy and comfortable in whatever they have chosen and it’s not unreasonable then I suggest that maybe you just let it go.

Post # 4
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I once went to a wedding where both mothers were in shades of cream/ ivory. Neither of them knew the other had chosen this colour. Both outfits were completely different styles but they looked fantastic.

Why are you giving yourself this problem? Tell her to avoid wedding dresses, and let her pick her own outfit by herself. Don’t continue to be embroiled in this issue. Why on earth do brides try to dictate the mother of the bride and mother of the groom colours and outfits??? As long as they don’t wear a wedding dress or something casual or something tarty why on earth get yourself stressed out over something like this?

Post # 5
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

What minimoo said.  This is not a big deal.

Post # 6
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee

Let her wear what she wants. This is not an issue. MOB/MOG do not need to match, not match or complement each other. If she’s comfortable then go with it. Don’t rock a delicate boat. 

Post # 8
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MASPA:  You’ll have a long road to wedding planning if all these things build up to bother you. Some people just create issues or drama around all kinds of issues, especially weddings. I think lots of us have someone close to us who acts the same way, but the point is to just let it go. She might want your opinion and then it seems like she doesn’t listen, but ultimately it’s her decision to make and she doesn’t have to take on board all your opinions. And don’t worry about her booking her airfare etc. Just concentrate on the things that you need to do for your husband to be and for the wedding (the actual details) and leave her to organise herself. You can’t do everything for everyone and believe me, it’s a lot easier to step back and just let people get on with their own thing. Otherwise you’ll get stressed out and resentful of these smaller issues. Pick your battles.

Post # 9
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well to be fair, you’ve said No to everything she’s asked— starting with the first color she inquired about.  I fear you may be manufacturing a problem that really doesn’t need to be there.  She wants your opinion, but your opinion is opposite of what she had in mind or maybe what her natural preferences are.  You’re also giving her a moving target: “don’t dress like my mom.”  Well your mom was originally wearing silver, now she’s wearing a much darker dress that fades to silver…. 

Just let it go and try not to let it bother you. Also the last few years, the airlines seem to be dropping their fares closer to the date of travel so depending on the city pairs, it really may be too early to book—- 6 months out and the fares are sky-high because the airlines know people who book this early are going for a reason/occasion and not likely to bargain shop.

Post # 11
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Remove yourself from the grooms mother’s outfit picking. Tell her to go ahead and pick something and you look forward to seeing what she is wearing on the day. Everytime she calls you just say “I don’t want to know what it’s like because I want it to be a surprise!” 

 

If she doesn’t get the message just keep saying it! 

Post # 12
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MASPA:  I’m thinking that the dress is just a catalyst here.  It’s not really about what colour she wears, as much as it’s about the fact that she involves you in the process, asks your opinion, but doesn’t really want your opinion, and generally annoys you.  She asks about the airfare, hears your answer, but isn’t listening because she still expects you to help her out at the last minute with discounts.

You mentioned that your FI is…blunt/mean to her when she gets like this, right?  I’m going to assume that this is old hat for you guys.  If it weren’t the dress, it would be something else.

So, here’s what I think: you have to stop caring. It’s hard because she keeps calling and asking if you like it, etc., but you have to realise that she isn’t asking you that because she wants your opinion.  She wants you to say “Yes!  I love it”.  That is all.  She’s not listening to you.  You shouldn’t listen to her.

If you want to be blunt, you can say that you’ve already said how you feel (you would prefer she didn’t wear the same colour as your mom…which is the whole darn point of letting the MOB pick first…but I digress) and she should just make the best decision for her.  Keep any emails you exchanged so that if she comes back to you and says “But, you gave me the impression that you could get me a discount!”, you can respond with “I actually said this….on this date”.  

I have someone like this in my family (more that she only hears what she wants, reinvents history, and enjoys bringing up situations that occurred when I was five and hurt her feelings…she’s in her 60s now- I’m 32).  The only way to handle someone like this is to approach it like you’re dealing with someone difficult at work.  Be kind.  Be polite.  Cover your ass.

 

Post # 13
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@ArwenBride:  I second this advice and add:

To the OP you seem like a sensitive caring person (I’m like this and introverted too) and you would expect people to take the hint after being told several times not to wear a cetain color. I had the same issue with mine except it was the bridemaids dress color and she only backed off once they were ordered. Up until then she was a broken record telling me this wonderful dress she found in the bridesmaid color. However I have worked up the courage to say a direct no to some of her dress ideas, example: full length pale barely pink gown when everyone is wearing knee to tea length, apart from the bride. She would have looked so odd that it was easy to say no.

I’m guessing that thought of saying no to her dress terrifies you. So I would practise what you are going with your Fi (I find roleplaying confrontation extremely helpful), tell her that while it’s a lovely dress it doesn’t fit with the wedding at all and that she should wear that Tadashi you saw when you went shopping with her because it made her look fabulous 🙂 

(Edited: fixed my bad spelling)
 

Post # 15
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@MASPA:  Do you not want to ask your FI to say something because he’ll be mean or because he doesn’t get why this bothers you?

And I understand.  I’m similar and have a very VERY different relationship with my parents and family then my DH has with his.  It’s extremely hard say anything less than positive to my MIL and FIL because I’m not entirely sure what motivates them and it doesn’t feel like it’s my place to tell them that I think they’re being crazy (lovely people who confuse the hell out of me often).  My DH’s response is just to not tell them very much and they aren’t very involved in his life.

At this point, I might ask your FI to talk to them.  If that won’t work for whatever reason, then I would probably send an email.  You’ll have to be very careful about tone, but at least there will be a record of what you say.  You might need to open up her colour choices to anything but silver/slate, white/ivory and black (you said that’s what you’re BM’s are wearing, right?).  I would do that because she’s obviously having a difficult time finding an alternative metallic to wear.  I’d say something like:

“My mom is really excited about her dress and it would mean a lot to me if you wore a different colour.  I know that you’re having a hard time finding something in bronze or silver.  Basically, if you can find something to wear that makes you happy but is in any colour but silver/slate, white/ivory, or black, I would really appreciate it”.

If she continues to ignore you, you’re going to have to let this go because short of causing a scene, I don’t think that you’re going to get your desired outcome with this.  

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