Post # 1
Ok, let me start off by saying FMIL aren’t bffs and we disagree on a lot of things, but we do not have a hostile relationship, just a very delicate one.
From the moment of the engagement my mother said she wanted to wear a silver dress, preferrably darker like pewter or slate. FMIL knew this then too. She actually asked me if I had a color preferance for her. I was so floored she asked, but also rather hopeful that this process with her would be simple. I asked her if she could wear gold, with my mother wearing silver it would be a nice contrast I thought, she agreed. She looked online for over a year and gold dresses were slim so she asked me if bronze would be ok and I figured sure it’s not that far from gold.
Well during her e-shopping phase, she sent me a lot of dresses that were discouraging. She’s twice divorced and loves everything wedding related. She actually sent me several wedding gowns that she wanted to dye. Her size also plays a part. Fast forward to when my mother buys her dress. It was not what she intended but she looks great and thats all that mattered to her. Fully beaded silver dress. FMIL asks to see it so I sent it to her, thinking she didnt want to get a similar style. All she can tell me is that “it looks black”. I tell her thats just the photo, a smidge of the dress is black it’s mostly silver plus silver beading.
When she finally goes out shopping the first time she tells me about her favorite dress. Then asks me if she ordered it, if she could get silver “since my mom’s dress is black”. Ummmm…. I chose my words carefully and reittereated what I told her when my mother bought it originally. About a month later she asked me to go to a few department stores with her to browse. I was hesitant but I went. She tried on at least a dozen and I gave my opinion, along with her daughter. She tried on this Tadashi dress that looked great on her, her daughter agreed. I really thoiught that was going to be it. She wanted to keep looking.
She calls while I am away on a business trip and tells me she found a dress she likes online but its not available in bronze in her size only slate and asks me if that would be ok. I tell her again that I think if she matched my mother it would be odd. She then tells me that on her computer it looks blue-ish. I tell her it could very well just be her monitor display and slate is a silver color usually dark. She tells me she doesnt want to step on any toes but wants to see it so she can order it and if she doesnt like it she can just retrun it. It comes in and she sends me a picture. I am not a fan at all. It does nothing for her shape. I tell her and she said it looks nice and I need to come see it to decide. It’s also fully beaded. Of course, no blue in sight either.
I haven’t seen it yet, but it seems that my original method of telling her how I feel isnt working. How can I say it needs to go back without being mean? I’d really rather not be mean about it. FI does that enough. She’s not my mother so I don’t feel its my place to say certain things, but he really doesn’t care. I have one BM who will be in black. I really rather not have the mothers matching and look more like BMs.
Thanks for listening and the help.
Post # 3
@MASPA: Not trying to be harsh, but maybe take a bit of a step back and think about whether this is really that important and worth possibly hurting your FMIL over. At the end of the day, no one is going to confuse the moms as bridesmaids and if they feel happy and comfortable in whatever they have chosen and it’s not unreasonable then I suggest that maybe you just let it go.
Post # 4
I once went to a wedding where both mothers were in shades of cream/ ivory. Neither of them knew the other had chosen this colour. Both outfits were completely different styles but they looked fantastic.
Why are you giving yourself this problem? Tell her to avoid wedding dresses, and let her pick her own outfit by herself. Don’t continue to be embroiled in this issue. Why on earth do brides try to dictate the mother of the bride and mother of the groom colours and outfits??? As long as they don’t wear a wedding dress or something casual or something tarty why on earth get yourself stressed out over something like this?
Post # 5
What minimoo said. This is not a big deal.
Post # 6
Let her wear what she wants. This is not an issue. MOB/MOG do not need to match, not match or complement each other. If she’s comfortable then go with it. Don’t rock a delicate boat.
Post # 7
I dont take either comments as harsh. I know others wont fully understand the situation. My sentiment isnt really so much about the color itself. It’s everything she created around it. She wants my opinion and to be involved, but doesn’t listen when I tell her how I feel. FI doesnt want her wearing it yet I need to resolve this, joy. I dont think anyone will confuse them as BMs, it just weirds me out a bit. The biggest annoyance is she hasn’t even booked her hotel/airfare yet but is so concerned about her wardrobe.
Post # 8
@MASPA: You’ll have a long road to wedding planning if all these things build up to bother you. Some people just create issues or drama around all kinds of issues, especially weddings. I think lots of us have someone close to us who acts the same way, but the point is to just let it go. She might want your opinion and then it seems like she doesn’t listen, but ultimately it’s her decision to make and she doesn’t have to take on board all your opinions. And don’t worry about her booking her airfare etc. Just concentrate on the things that you need to do for your husband to be and for the wedding (the actual details) and leave her to organise herself. You can’t do everything for everyone and believe me, it’s a lot easier to step back and just let people get on with their own thing. Otherwise you’ll get stressed out and resentful of these smaller issues. Pick your battles.
Post # 9
Well to be fair, you’ve said No to everything she’s asked— starting with the first color she inquired about. I fear you may be manufacturing a problem that really doesn’t need to be there. She wants your opinion, but your opinion is opposite of what she had in mind or maybe what her natural preferences are. You’re also giving her a moving target: “don’t dress like my mom.” Well your mom was originally wearing silver, now she’s wearing a much darker dress that fades to silver….
Just let it go and try not to let it bother you. Also the last few years, the airlines seem to be dropping their fares closer to the date of travel so depending on the city pairs, it really may be too early to book—- 6 months out and the fares are sky-high because the airlines know people who book this early are going for a reason/occasion and not likely to bargain shop.
Post # 10
@minimoo: you are totally right. i dont bring anything to her knowledge she seeks me out which makes it even worse.
@fishbone: to clarify, the first color she inquired about was silver. i know our opinions differ but I wont lie to her either. i work for an airline and i know airlines all operate differently. she’s asked me several times if i could get her a discount and i told her no, which is the truth. my compnay only allows certain family members flight benefits, i think shes waiting for me to pull something out of thin air for her even tho it cant happen.
Post # 11
Remove yourself from the grooms mother’s outfit picking. Tell her to go ahead and pick something and you look forward to seeing what she is wearing on the day. Everytime she calls you just say “I don’t want to know what it’s like because I want it to be a surprise!”
If she doesn’t get the message just keep saying it!
Post # 12
@MASPA: I’m thinking that the dress is just a catalyst here. It’s not really about what colour she wears, as much as it’s about the fact that she involves you in the process, asks your opinion, but doesn’t really want your opinion, and generally annoys you. She asks about the airfare, hears your answer, but isn’t listening because she still expects you to help her out at the last minute with discounts.
You mentioned that your FI is…blunt/mean to her when she gets like this, right? I’m going to assume that this is old hat for you guys. If it weren’t the dress, it would be something else.
So, here’s what I think: you have to stop caring. It’s hard because she keeps calling and asking if you like it, etc., but you have to realise that she isn’t asking you that because she wants your opinion. She wants you to say “Yes! I love it”. That is all. She’s not listening to you. You shouldn’t listen to her.
If you want to be blunt, you can say that you’ve already said how you feel (you would prefer she didn’t wear the same colour as your mom…which is the whole darn point of letting the MOB pick first…but I digress) and she should just make the best decision for her. Keep any emails you exchanged so that if she comes back to you and says “But, you gave me the impression that you could get me a discount!”, you can respond with “I actually said this….on this date”.
I have someone like this in my family (more that she only hears what she wants, reinvents history, and enjoys bringing up situations that occurred when I was five and hurt her feelings…she’s in her 60s now- I’m 32). The only way to handle someone like this is to approach it like you’re dealing with someone difficult at work. Be kind. Be polite. Cover your ass.
Post # 13
@ArwenBride: I second this advice and add:
To the OP you seem like a sensitive caring person (I’m like this and introverted too) and you would expect people to take the hint after being told several times not to wear a cetain color. I had the same issue with mine except it was the bridemaids dress color and she only backed off once they were ordered. Up until then she was a broken record telling me this wonderful dress she found in the bridesmaid color. However I have worked up the courage to say a direct no to some of her dress ideas, example: full length pale barely pink gown when everyone is wearing knee to tea length, apart from the bride. She would have looked so odd that it was easy to say no.
I’m guessing that thought of saying no to her dress terrifies you. So I would practise what you are going with your Fi (I find roleplaying confrontation extremely helpful), tell her that while it’s a lovely dress it doesn’t fit with the wedding at all and that she should wear that Tadashi you saw when you went shopping with her because it made her look fabulous 🙂
(Edited: fixed my bad spelling)
Post # 14
Thank you for the insight. It is more than the dress but it is still a part of it. I’m actually quite outspoken and loud but I feel like since she’s not my mother, I should behave a specific way.
Post # 15
@MASPA: Do you not want to ask your FI to say something because he’ll be mean or because he doesn’t get why this bothers you?
And I understand. I’m similar and have a very VERY different relationship with my parents and family then my DH has with his. It’s extremely hard say anything less than positive to my MIL and FIL because I’m not entirely sure what motivates them and it doesn’t feel like it’s my place to tell them that I think they’re being crazy (lovely people who confuse the hell out of me often). My DH’s response is just to not tell them very much and they aren’t very involved in his life.
At this point, I might ask your FI to talk to them. If that won’t work for whatever reason, then I would probably send an email. You’ll have to be very careful about tone, but at least there will be a record of what you say. You might need to open up her colour choices to anything but silver/slate, white/ivory and black (you said that’s what you’re BM’s are wearing, right?). I would do that because she’s obviously having a difficult time finding an alternative metallic to wear. I’d say something like:
“My mom is really excited about her dress and it would mean a lot to me if you wore a different colour. I know that you’re having a hard time finding something in bronze or silver. Basically, if you can find something to wear that makes you happy but is in any colour but silver/slate, white/ivory, or black, I would really appreciate it”.
If she continues to ignore you, you’re going to have to let this go because short of causing a scene, I don’t think that you’re going to get your desired outcome with this.