How to deal with IL's that you just don't get along with?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
5905 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@QueenOfSerendip:  Just treat it like a live taping of Jerry Springer, if they’re going to be awful, you might as well be entertained, right?

Post # 4
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@QueenOfSerendip:  Wow, I’m so sorry! i don’t think I’d dislike my FIL for that but be extremely upset and disappointed that he would do something so stupid.  What your MIL did is aweful and I feel so bad for your DH. No matter what parents say, they always have a favorite, but being so obvious is obnoxious.  And your SIL…I don’t even know where to start with that, there is no reason you should HAVE to clean out the barn.  You aren’t the one who wants to get married in it.  She can ask, but expecting you to do anything is ridiculous.  Even though I’m not sure how I feel about my MIL I would never ever critisize her clothing, that girl needs some etiquette training.  I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this, but it is apparent you do so with class and keep the venting in the private, which sadly you have to do to maintain peace 🙂 And I totally would love one of your homemade cinnamon rolls! Don’t listen to her!

Post # 8
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Thank whatever you believe in that you are not as douchey as they are and do your best to ignore them. That’s what I’m doing. :

Post # 9
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

@QueenOfSerendip:  One of my friends (with two married sisters and lots of married friends) gave me this advice quite recently: smile and maintain your distance. Don’t go over more than absolutely necessary. If you have to go over, smile and keep your mouth shut (although it’s hard!). Your future sister in law makes snide remarks about your cooking? You haven’t heard a thing. Your mother in law is trying to rub in your face that she’s giving a better gift to someone else? You might have left the keys in the car and unfortunately can’t stick around to hear all about it. By the time you’ll have got back, the topic of conversation will have changed…

What I do recommend though (based on personal experience) is not to talk TOO much about this with your husband. Yeah, he’s almost surely embarrassed by and disappointed in his family’s behavior, and especially hurt by the effect it has on you, as his wife. It also seems that he agrees with many of the opinions you have about them. But trust me, they’re his family and even if your feelings are more important for him, if you push him too much or go a little too far with the comments (which, unfortunately, I have done and it wasn’t pretty), he may just explode, and why let those people create conflict between you when you should be enjoying these happy days as newlyweds?

Post # 10
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Your future sister-in-law’s antics especially bowl me over. How classless and immature to insult the nice gesture you made for your father-in-law. I get along with my in-laws, but if we’re being totally honest here, I would be thrilled if I never saw my FIL, MIL, SIL or BIL again. I see many similarities between your FSIL and my SIL.

Keeping distance as much as possible helps. I probably skip every other outing with his family, citing work or some other excuse. I’m sure they see right through it, but I don’t care. In their presence, I keep everything light and superficial…I really don’t talk about anything going on with my life. I might give a cursory overview of work, but other than that, keep my mouth shut and don’t say anything personal. My in-laws know that my brother is having a baby (because they’re friends with my mom on Facebook … whoever thought that was a good idea?), so they try to ask me about it. I just shrug and give the noncommital, “Oh, so excited. By the way, how’s (X)?”

Most people are self-absorbed to a degree, so if you continually put the focus back on them, it works wonders.

For your sister-in-law, I’d make a game of her horrible behavior. Go out of your way to drench her in compliments wherever possible. Killing her with kindness can do wonders.

Look at them as though they’re children. That’s how I manage to deal with MIL and SIL. Pity – though many will argue it’s not an appetizing solution – goes a long way in dissolving the anger and hurt they’ve caused me over the years.

You can’t change them, at the end of the day.

Post # 11
2962 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@QueenOfSerendip:  At least she gave U guys a gift. DH and I didn’t get anything from his mom but grief the day of the wedding. She likes to act a fool when he’s not around. So the day of my wedding she comes upstairs yelling at my photographer that she’s not taking any pics wit me, she’s just here for her son. I’m sure years down the road she’s going to complain that I didn’t ALLOW the photographer to get any pics of her. She ended up leaving the reception early because security showed up and she’s an ex con but not before she got an inappropriate pic with DH dad (wanted a pic wit him but not with FIL’s wife in it!). His sister was worse. She loudly bawled before the cereomy and LITERALLY burnt rubber after the ceremony. Didn’t congratulate DH or give a gift.


i try to avoid being around them as much as possible. I only see them at the kids birthday parties or occasionally other significant events. When I see them I’m cordial but don’t really say much of anything else and they are the same. DH tried to mend Mil and my relationship this past sat. I told him that is not his place to try to mend us closer and he hasn’t been concerned with this for the past two years so why start now? She is a liar and a manipulator not to mention a registered sex offender and her character will never change and that’s what I don’t like about her. There is no relationship to mend. There will never be, and I can go on the rest of my life like this and be okay with it.


Post # 12
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@QueenOfSerendip:  keep in mind that the way others treat you is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. My SIL is almost an exact replica of your FSIL and sadly, she is very miserable. Stay positive and realize that it has nothing to do with you.

Post # 13
171 posts
Blushing bee

May I recommend a move that is at least 400 miles away or so?

Post # 14
2060 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Smile.  Be courteous and ladylike.  Don’t get invoived with arguments between family members.  Enjoy your husband and marvel the amazing fact that he is different from his disfunctional family.

Post # 15
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have FSIL that I really don’t get along with.  She’s always been very very opinionated, and once she gets an idea in her head, that’s it. She’s off on her rampage.. And sometimes these rampages are stupid. Like dread locking your hair to save on shampoo and conditioner.. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people with dreads! just for me personally, I find it gross.

And then when we got engaged she insisted we have the wedding in where they live(overseas) so she could save on flights.. Yeah, coz apparently the weddings all about her. The FSIL, who knew, I thought the wedding was about the bride and groom and the celebration of their love… Anyways, rant over. I feel your pain!

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