Post # 1
Let me start by saying that all parties are amicable, my FI and i paying 100%, and my parents split when i was little and have always remained friends. my dad was remarried but sadly my stepmother passed almost ten years ago..
…fast foward to now. my dad has an awesome girlfriend of less than one year/over 6 months but they do not live together. i have gotten pretty close to her in that period of time. i would really like her to be at my wedding and feel like she would be hurt if she was not invited as we have gotten kinda close.
my mom, on the other hand, has been with her live-in boyfriend for 5 years lets call him “sven”. he is an unemployed drunkard (p.o.s. in my book) whom i personally do not like, cant stand, but i put up with him and am friendly-ish to his face out of respect for my mom. he has been at parties before like my new years and watching sports parties, and he is SO embarrasing, sometimes has B.O. and drinks waaay too much and gets too talkative about literally nonsense he never makes sense and rambles…people have actually commented on “whos that weird guy.” when hes been at my house for football parties. free beer is at my reception so unlimited drink for this guy is just a disaster awaiting to happen i know it
what would you do? i feel like telling my mom that its been so long since she has seen my dads side of the family that “sven” will only hold her down and she will want to get around and mingle (she will totally buy it). or do i just tell the truth and plain outright say i dont want him there, sorry. i dont want to make her feel bad but at the same time i need to ensure he doesnt go. he cant even afford to buy himself a decent suit to wear anyway when he does work odd jobs he only makes enough to support his beer habit. yep, this is the man my mom chose. ugh!
so..its pretty obvious about what i think all of u will tell me do, but how would u go about explaining it to my mom, when she sees my dads gf at the wedding she might be like hmmm….thanks wedding bee’ers :o)
Post # 3
I think you should just sit down with your mom and explain your concerns about inviting her bf to your wedding. Hopefully, she will be able to get him showered and keep an eye on his alcohol consumption at your wedding.
Etiquette-wise, it really isn’t right not to invite him unless you are not allowing +1s across the board. If you have a friend who decides to bring a loser guy to your wedding, it’s not like you can single them out and tell them they can’t bring a +1, same goes for your mom.
If your mom doesn’t think it’s best for him to come, she’ll have to make that decision.
Post # 4
First, definitely invite your dad’s gf. I don’t think there’s any reason NOT to. She seems lovely and everyone gets along.
Second, I think you should sit down and talk with your mom abou Sven. Surely she is aware of his bahavior and the perception of everyone else regarding his behavior. If not, she needs to be. I think this is something bigger than just your wedding day. This is who your mother is choosing to spend her life/time with and he obviously isn’t a good choice. I think you need to be loving, respectful, and open in your conversation. Don’t insult her or her choice in men because that will only make her defensive. Trying telling her that Sven’s behavior has been making you, and others, uncomfortable and you are worried about his behavior at the wedding. Tell her that you are willing to give him a chance at xyz family function before the wedding but if he can’t handle himself then you aren’t willing to risk having this loose cannon at the wedding because you don’t want your mother to have to baby-sit the whole evening. You want her to be able to enjoy her daughter’s wedding to the fullest extent!
Post # 5
hi mcnetn3 & eeh2010.
thanks for the great advice, it really is giving me something to think about. the thing is, i have spoken to my mom about his behavior before. she sort of laughs it off and says oh honey hes not that bad. um, yea mom..he is! she just doesnt want to hear it and the issue gets swept under the rug.
as far as her choosing this man to spend her time with, my mother is not short of her issue and problems, but her being with him is sort a a double-edged sword, because when she is not with a companion, she falls into a very deep, severe, depression (she has even had to be hospitalized for it.) and is on medication to control it. so while he is not perfect (aka low life) he does keep my mom happy and “normal.”
Gosh I am really torn on this now. he is going to be that guy at my wedding I know it. my mom wont be able to watch him nor tell him to slow down if he starts throwing back the beers…
Post # 6
Hmmm, seems kind of like a damned if you do, damned if you don’t on inviting him. Will your mom be depessed/cause a scene if he’s NOT invited? If she won’t then I would say go that route. Screw etiquette, do what’s best for you and your wedding. I’m guessing this guy doesn’t spend his time reading Emily Post so you’ll be fine. If she WILL be depressed and it will be a big issue is there any way you could ask the bartender to cut him off after ___ number of beers? Also, just keep in mind that this is your wedding day! You will be so happy about marrying your husband and having such a great time with your guests and I don’t think anyo (Rational) will judge or blame you for this guy being at your wedding. You cannot control the actions of a grown man. I say do what you can to address the situation but at some point you just have to say whatever happens, happens and enjoy your day!
Post # 7
I would def. invite your dad’s gf, however if you don’t want your moms bf there and you have good reason not to I would just tell her. It’s like he’s your dad or you really have a step-father relationship with this guy. My parents are divorced and I haven’t been the closest with my dad up until about a year ago and his gf def. drinks way too much and I know she will probably have already had one to many before the ceremony so I told my dad she has to sit in back or in the middle so as to avoid a lot of issues, my mom won’t be mean anything but her and my stepdad (who i’m very very close too) don’t really hold their tongues and I don’t want my dads gf to feel really uncomfortable and really do something stupid. lol
Post # 8
I have a few family members that are loose cannons (my mother included), and I’ve already started the process (we aren’t engaged yet) of accepting that some people will make asses of themselves at my wedding and that I need to just turn a cheek to it and be happy for the love between my man and I. My grandmother would be devestated if I didn’t invite those ‘loose cannons’ to my wedding, and her happiness is more important than my caring about people being stupid.
Sorry you’re in the situation you are in, but you are definately gonna have to have another ‘talk’ with your mother. I’ve had to do this with mine a few times for different family and friend functions and made sure that she wasn’t playing the ‘whatever’ game with me. Game face was on, serious tone was taken, and I didn’t let up until she admitted that she acknowledged my concerns and at least made a commitment to put in an effort to not act like an idiot. Doesn’t usually work, but people have never help me accountable for her actions and at least I could rest easy knowing I tried.
Maybe you are going to have to approach it from the serious, not joking, this is my wedding, most important day of my life, and if you give a crap about me and my feelings you will take my concerns seriously tone.
Post # 9
I do not think you can invite your dad’s gf and not your mom’s bf. I think that’s basic etiquette fail. Not only would I be pissed if I was your mom but I would notice it as a guest and think it very strange. Especially since your mom’s bf is much longer standing. I would just decide what you want more – to have your dad’s gf there or not having Sven and go with that.