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Just because she gave birth to you does not make her a mother- sorry to be offensive to anyone out there who believes otherwise. I know firsthand that a mother can come in all sorts of packages that you wouldn't expect. Do you really want her to ruin your wedding day of all days? I would honestly tread very carefully and explain to her that if she attempts to cause the least bit of distress on your day- she's out. Have someone in charge of escorting her out (fists flying and all, if necessary) if she acts up. If you honestly don't want her there, tell her she's better off not coming. It isn't about living in the past, but it's knowing that history has a tendency of repeating itself.
I think you need to be firm with her. Let her know when and where things are happening, but don't pay for anything for her. Let her know that your sister will be doing YOUR hair, not hers, and you will not be doing her makeup for her. You are the bride and you do not need her stress. Give someone the duty of removing her from the wedding if she decides to cause a scene.
@vanilla frosting: Rock VF! I have everyone there, McGroom's family included, who know about her and they're ready to boot her. Besides, the woman who raised me will be there and that's more important to me.
I absolutely do NOT think that letting her have her way and making you miserable in the process is the best option. That being said, I don't know how to contain her. If I take your post at face value, which I absolutely do, it's hard to imagine a scenario where she doesn't kick up a bit of dust. I'm not about to suggest that a conversation will help, because I don't think it will.
Perhaps at this point, it's best to drop back and punt. She's aware of the week end events, so just ask her what she is planning to attend. Just let her know (fairly bluntly) that you have your plans finalized and are trying to plan to get final counts of who is attending what. As far as getting ready, I would just explain that your hair and make-up plans are set and not flexible at this point, so given that, would she still like to get ready with you or not?
I understand that no family is ever picture-perfect... especially when it comes to a wedding, but you seem to be getting more than your fair share of hassle and headache. You should be worrying about not tripping down the aisle and forgetting your vows, NOT ducking your mom and worrying about her behavior.
I think I speak for a lot (if not all) bees when I say, soldier on and let us know what else we can offer for support! Good luck.
@Jennifer5642: Yeah, I'm pretty much guaranteed that she'll do something. I was just hopeing for a magic cure.
Just because you give birth does not give you the right to treat your kids like crap. Why do moms not understand this????
We had a feeling there would be issues at our wedding and told everyone to be on their best behavior because if anyone started anything they would be escorted out. Like your mom, my MIL has an issue with the attention being on anyone besides her so she did act up a bit but DH and I were so immersed with each other, we didn't exactly catch it all. Everyone just laughed at her and talked behind her back. Thankfully there were no big issues and some of the troublemakers did not come.
Let her stay where she wishes (besides the cabin), let her come when she wants (whether it's Friday or the day of), let her come rafting if she wants but let her know she has to pay. If your mom is flaky, then try not to think too much of it. Don't try to organize anything around her- lay everything out and let her make the decisions (which it seems like you have for the most part). As for the hair and make up, how is your sisters relationship with your mom? I felt it was a very bold statement for your mom to say that she doesn't want your sister to do your hair but to do hers. I worry that your sister may succomb to the pressure and not do your hair but you know her better than anyone of us! As for the make up- that's up to you. Do you want to do it?
@nyebride: Oh, both my siblings realize that our mom is ridiculous and don't care for her. My sis already told her she's doing my hair and no one can help her because "it's McBride's day." It's just annoying because she likes to hang on me and pretend she's a loving mother and we're best friends.
@TheFutureMcBride: wow... sounds like my FI's ex-. that's what she's currently doing with their son. and he HATES her. so, so sorry you have to deal with her.
hopefully she'll decide to not come or behave. otherwise, ignore her and let her be escorted out (don't forget to take pictures for later blackmail ;) or to post on FB showing exactly what she's like so NO ONE can take her side later!.... errrr.... i'm a bit evil....)
regardless, hopefully she'll at least behave for one day. so so sorry and I hope your wedding is far better than you expect!!!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I have a problematic mother too. I was at first pissed because I thought she wasn't coming to the wedding and it offended me that she would do that (because I'm in a same-sex relationship). Then when she let me know she was coming I was seriously hit with a mix of "Good" and "Oh crap!". We are marrying out of state and renting out a huge house to stay in for the week and I just KNOW she will want to stay with us for free even though she could afford a nearby hotel. I want her to stay somewhere else because I know her presence will seriously stress everyone out.
I, too, am just hoping she behaves and I am hoping she only comes to town the day before the wedding and leaves the day after, and I am hoping most of all she doesn't hit the bottle while she's there since that would greatly increase the chances of her being on good behavior. Ugh ugh ugh.
You have my empathy. I am also a mom of an 18 yo, an almost 13 yo, and a 7 yo. I can't imagine EVER causing them this much headache and heartache!
@Zinzerena: Pictures! Great idea. I'll make sure to post them so all her friends can see.
@MsInterpret: I've read some of your posts and truly feel for you. My mom is in AA, so she doesn't drink anymore, but she's meaner to me and thinks because she doesn't drink, I should just forgive and forget her behavior without an apology or any kind of talk. She says I live in the past because I may let her back in my life, but I'm guarded and don't let her walk all over me. It's just hard. As a mother of an Angel Baby (or stillborn), I could never imagine doing this to my child and don't know why she can't be nice to her daughter who is dealing with the (hopefully) hardest thing to ever happen to her.
@TheFutureMcBride: the digital age is great, isn't it? ;)
so sorry to hear about your loss. All things considered, I wouldn't have invited her, but I also understand why you did.
My mother can be a controlling, manipulative b!tch and has no consideration for anything that IS NOT hers. She's still trying to control my life despite the fact I've moved out and have a life of my own now. (just more out last year and soooo glad I did. wish I'd done it sooner.) she always told me 1) no one would ever want to marry me 2)I would never make it on my own 3) I can't cook, clean, etc. and I totally listened to all that and more. my mother also gets nasty and pouty like a petulant child if she doesn't get her way. she doesn't treat my brother this way, only me!
good luck!!! and enjoy the pictures! (me, I'd frame a few just to be evil...
)
@Zinzerena: Congrats on moving out! I never lived with my mom, so I never had to deal with her. As for inviting her, I did it because she was very nice to me for a while after I lost Moose and I thought she could behave. Apparently, this is not the case.
I would uninvite her. You already know she'll ruin whatrver she attends, so give her the wrong address or hire a car to take her 30miles away. My SIL's mom is like yours, and she ruins EVERYTHING!
@MightySapphire: I wanted to do that, but McGroom says that's stooping to her level and I can't do that. I must be nice and let her dig her own grave. Boo!
@TheFutureMcBride: Thanks. I didn't want to hijack your post... I just know how it is to deal with mothers that don't seem to have a clue what that word means. My FI's mother is absolutely garbage so we have this issue times 2, difference is my mom is overly involved in my life and FI's is completely absent.
I hope she can come and not ruin your day. I am having hard core second thoughts about my mom at my wedding lately, and she has managed to get me thinking like this with just one day of hateful text messages.
I hope it turns out okay for you, I really do. And I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom, FI's mom, my mom seem to have this screwed up focus on themselves to the exclusion of being able to be there for their children. It's messed up!
@TheFutureMcBride: thanks!
Maybe she'll decide to behave it she thinks to do otherwise will look bad on her. Appearances are, for some people, more important than anything else.
Either way, keep the nightstick around and a good camera to capture her downfall!! then you can look back with a gleeful smile knowing that she just lost her last chance (hopefully!) with you and your family.
regardless or what happens, don't let it bother you. Have a group of people you can trust to "babysit" her and escort her out at the first screwup. (you can even designate one of them the photographer! yes... i know... evil...) that way, you don't have to worry about her, her behavior, OR it ruining your day.
best of luck, and enjoy yourself!
Oh that is awful! You shouldn't be worrying about your mother that much on your wedding day! I would sit her down, talk to her and explain this event is about you and your husband-to-be. Explain to her is everyone is paying their own way for rafting then she is to pay for herself. Explain to her you are getting your hair done first. No, you cannot do her makeup because that is not your problem. If she is going to be sifficult she can make her own arrangements to get ready somewhere else and recomend a salon.
Explain to her she needs to understand that if she is difficult now, you will be uninviting her for everything. But if she makes an effort and realizes this is your day and not hers, she should be able to come but let her know if there is the tiniest hint of negativity, she is out. At least you give her the chance and you warned her what will happen if she messes it up!
I wouldn't involve her in the rehearsal or reherarsal dinner at all.
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So here's the thing: she ruined my graduation day by trying to get into a fist fight in addition to never really being there for me. She was horrible to my siblings who had no where to go (different dads). She doesn't like the attention to be off her even if that means making a fool out of herself. She's disowned me 4 times once on the aforementioned college graduation day. Now she's trying to ruin my wedding and the weekend.
Current situation: She's camping because it's $15 a night. I don't want her in the cabins we've rented because I don't know if she can behave herself. She's coming up Friday; neither of us asked her to do this. We invited her rafting the day before the wedding; she said "yes." I didn't invite my aunt who is flying in from across the country because my mom hates her. Mother is invited to the rehearsal dinner, but not the rehearsal. She found this out yesterday. Now she has tires to buy all of a sudden. She wants to cancel her camping spot, show up on the wedding day, and make us pay for her rafting (she's also tried to get her mom to pay for her rafting when no one is paying for the bride and groom's rafting and we're fine with that). I've also said she can get ready with us. Now she wants my sister to do her hair, not mine and me to do her make-up. She says I live in the past; I don't. It's just hard to forget everything which this woman has done to me over the past almost 31 years. She's never asked me to forgive her; I've just let her back in my life being more and more guarded each time. Honestly, I wanted to elope so I wouldn't have to deal with her.
Question: What should I do? I really just want to call her and tell her, if she feels I don't want her there, don't come. She's the woman who gave birth to me, so I think she should be there.
P.S. I've reached a plateau of worrying about this. I just want to know how to deal with her so as not to poke the hornets nest.