Post # 1
I have just begun the long process of planning my wedding to my girlfriend of almost three years. As my user name reveals i am a butch lesbian. With that being said I am writing because I would like you feedback on a personal situation that I have going on with my mother.
I was never the girly girl growing up. I hated dresses, barbies, makeup, you name it. I came out almost three years ago to my mother; come to think of it the same day I met my fiance. Anyway my mom was not surprised and extremely supportive of my sexual orientation. It was as if I had told her to bring an umbrella out because it was going to rain. The one thing that she did and still does have a problem with is the fact that I am a butch lesbian.
I moved back with my mother to help her raise my younger brother who is a homophobe and sister. I love the person that I have become, but she does not accept me for who I am. The other day during dinner my family and i were talking about the wedding. My fiance was on the topic of the something old, borrowed, and blue. Since I can remember i have always wanted to wear my deceased grandfathers cuff links on my wedding day, so i voiced this. BIG MISTAKE. My mom and my brother both got extremely upset. I left the table in tears. Now it seems that all my family talks about is what I am going to wear at the wedding. My mother has made peace with the fact that I will never be caught dead wearing a dress, but does not want any cuff links, ties, or anything that will make me look masculine in any way. This issue has gotten so big that she has pulled out from being the wedding planner. She also said that hopefully she will be dead before my wedding.
What do I do?
Post # 3
Oh man that is tough. Were you planning on wearing a means suit from a formalwear store? You could always go with a feminine suit like in this photo:
If you show her a picture like this it might ease her worry and frustration a little bit. Maybe you could compromise and say no tie but yes cufflinks? I’m so sorry you’re in this predicament. Hopefully this was somewhat helpful.
Post # 4
@emilygrace07: She will have none of that. I don’t understand why I have to compromise on my day. I already watch what I wear on a daily basis. She is at the point where she rather have me walk down the aisle naked that in a suit.
Post # 5
Welcome to the Hive!
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this at such a special time in your life. The fact of the matter is that some people, even though they try, they have a hard time accepting who you are and not what they invisioned you to be. I suggest that you continue with your FI planning the wedding you dreamed about, wear what you want to wear it is your wedding. While you may not be able to wear your grandfathers cufflinks, maybe your something old can come from an antique shop. You can later pass them on to another couple for their wedding. Take the opportunity to start a new tradition.
Post # 6
I don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to say I’m sorry and offer support 🙂 I can only imagine how hard this is for you and it’s completely unfair of your mom to be acting this way. I think you just have to hold strong and trust that she will come around eventually. It’s going to be hard and crappy, but once she realizes that you are not going to budge I’m sure she’ll come around. It just takes time. Are there any other family members that can talk to her and help her see your side of it? Sometimes people need to hear things from a different/not as close source. Sorry this is happening 🙁
Post # 7
@Stressed Out Butch: I really think that you should be able to wear what you want and what you feel comfortable with. Altering your appearance and what you enjoy just to please someone other than you and your spouse on your big day will hurt you a lot more (in the long run) than being true to yourself will hurt your mother.
I know that it seems tensions are high right now, but do you think that once things have calmed down in a few days you could have a talk with your mom? Thank her for being accepting of you and how supportive she’s been, but then explain how you’re hurt with what she chooses to hold on to about your clothing. She loves you and seems to be really accepting, but she needs to come to terms with your clothing style and your comfort. If it really is a push comes to shove, throw down issue, I’d say do what you like because it’s your wedding and your life.
Post # 8
I’m glad that you’re sticking to who you are throughout this. The best I can suggest is having a conversation with your mother about how you want to be true to who you are at your wedding, that is the person who your fiance is marrying, just like you want her to be herself on your wedding day. You can stick to who you are with a tie and a best and cufflinks and look great, without looking like a boy! Maybe come up with some inspiration pictures of outfits you want to wear and show her, maybe it’ll loosen her up a bit, she’s probably expecting the “worst” right now.
Post # 9
Talk to her alone. It wont be such a huge deal to her if it’s just the two of you guys and not the entire family at the table. Express to her that this is YOUR wedding day and youd like her love and support. If your grandfathers cuffs is something thats really important to you, then go ahead and wear them. Dont let anyone ruin your day!
I know how you feel. My partner is the”butch” and her family may not even come to the wedding. Who ever doesn’t show, it’ll be their loss, not yours. (Thats what my mom tells me. She had a very hard time with it too at first, but the storm passed and everything gets better with time)
Post # 10
@emilygrace07: that is such a cute pic!
Post # 11
You strut your stuff in whatever you please. If I had ended up with a woman I’d let her wear whatever and what matters are the opinions of you and your fiance. She may be pushing back to see what you’ll say and will in the come to terms with it.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. It’s your wedding, and your family should be behind you no matter what you decide that you want for your day. And I mean come on, they’re just clothes, they should get over it! I agree with what others have said, in terms of just taking your mom aside. You should pull together some pictures of weddings where one of the brides is wearing something YOU would be comfortable in. Stick to your guns, and don’t let your family talk you out of looking how you want to look on your wedding day. Also, you’re an amazing daughter to come home to take care of your mother, particularly given how your siblings treat you – which, by the way, is abysmal.
As a side note, I mean show her this! I would kill to look like Ellen on my wedding day 🙂
Post # 13
Maybe you can talk her into letting you make her old wedding dress into a dress shirt? So you can wear part of her dress on your big day? It’s not a dress for you, but it might be a dress for her?
Post # 14
Maybe you could carry your grandfather’s cufflinks in some way rather than wear them if she is so crazy about it? I’m so sorry she feels this way – you are you, and she should not feel that she has a say in how you express yourself, especially in clothing. I agree that maybe a feminine suit might help her ease into it, but if not I also think speaking to her calmly alone might be the best bet. I can’t believe that she is ok with you being gay, but not ok with you dressing a certain way???
Post # 15
Unfortunately, even when families are accepting they still often don’t “get it” and there are limits to what they will accept. It’s your wedding day and you should wear whatever is going to make you feel like the most beautiful, fabulous bride ever! And if that means, wearing a suit and tie and cufflinks, then that’s what you should do! My FW and I decided at the beginning of our wedding planning that we only wanted supportive people at our wedding who really wanted to be there which meant that my friend who invited me to his wedding and not my fiancee because he didn’t approve of our relationship, didn’t get invited. My uncle who said he was only going to come to the wedding if he didn’t have a bowling tournament, got on the B list since my wedding was clearly on his. Rejection from family members never stops hurting, but focusing on the new family you will make with your beautiful bride, will help.
Post # 16
I think you should wear whatever makes you feel special. Although they make make your life difficult, people who love you will always ultimately prioritize your happiness. And if they don’t prioritize your happiness, try not to let their opinion bother you. That’s their shortcoming, not yours. If you find it difficult to talk with your mom about your grandfather’s cufflinks, you could try writing it down or emailing her so that you can organize your thoughts and make your case more eloquently. Also, from what you’ve said, here, this seems like it’s a topic you should discuss when your brother is not around.