Post # 1
DH and I aren’t actively TTC… more NTNP (or “sometimes not so careful”). Besides waiting a little while longer for work/benefits reasons, I would be happy to have a child… but the major factor that weighs on my mind is MIL.
MIL is not a mean or bad person… she is pushy though, and can be passive aggressive, and she needs to make EVERYTHING into a big deal. She is “the entertainer”. This doesn’t make me comfortable, even if she doesn’t mean anything bad by it. I know that, upon announcing a pregnancy in the future, she will go overboard. She is definitely the type who will want to decorate a nursery, throw a huge baby shower with all of her friends (I’m ok with attention, but not from sooo many people, particularly ones that I don’t know), host and plan the first birthday party. The idea of involving her isn’t the problem.. it’s the fact that she needs to take over. DH and I just purchased our first home, and when we started looking at houses, she immediately told me Christmas is HER holiday, and she’s having Thanksgiving, too (this was in July!).
She tried to take over our wedding (inviting too many friends and pouting over it, throwing parties “for the couple” that were actually just for her… to throw a party for her friends), she tried to decorate our first place together, complained to me about not being involved enough in our home purchase (um… why the heck would she need to be involved in our mortgage process?). Again, I don’t think she means any harm, but she is very pushy, and passive aggressive in the “Oh, I already invited everyone to your party that I never told you about so you have to come or it will be RUDE” way. I’m just NOT READY to deal with her when it comes to having a baby. I don’t even want to tell her (or anyone really) until I can’t hide it anymore!
Have any of you dealt with an overbearing/too involved MIL? Please share your stories and what you’ve done about it?
Post # 3
@AnonymousCupcake: I think lots of people have MILs like that. Mine told me that she was going to come stay with us for a week after the baby was born to help out (She doesn’t even do her own housework. She pays someone to do it.) and is trying to plan a Disney trip for before baby turns 1, which I think sounds like torture for all parties involved. Here are my tips.
1. Get your DH in your corner. Talk to him about your concerns and have him put the kibosh on things you’re not comfortable with. You shouldn’t have to do it alone.
2. Stall. Saying, “Let me talk to DH about it.” gives you some time, and sets up the expectation that he’ll be getting back to her (see #1).
3. Involve other people. My MIL wanted to throw a shower, and so did my sister. I talked to my sister about this, and then the next time MIL brought up a shower I told her, “___ just started planning one, and I really don’t want two, but maybe you could plan something together.”
4. Don’t get in a twist about things that might never happen. It’s esay to think about things that she’ll probably be too involved in, but you can cross those bridges as you reach them.
Good luck. 🙂
Post # 4
I started this thread a few months ago
My OP gives some back ground into my MIL and I also will now update this..
She went on and on and on about how great it would be if the baby were a boy…and yes a little boy would be lovely, but we’re having a lovely little girl….we’ve known this for about a month now and she still feels the need to talk about how great a boy would’ve been. I am not some sort gender wish granting genie lady…in fact why don’t you just go have a long talk with my husband’s balls bc that’s who decided the gender. lol
And she calls the baby Priscilla!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS she never refers to her as anything else since she found out it’s a girl..how’s priscilla..omg. it drives me insane.
And as if giving my baby a questionable nickname isn’t bad enough she’s also coming up with real names to call her…and then she acts offended if we don’t like them. She has some sort of bizzare obsession with children being named after their parents and she wants us to name her…
Shawna Laureen (DH is named Shawn, my middle name is Lauren.) I flat out told her my child will be named after no one, she will be her own person with her own name.
Also the last time she saw me, I had finally popped and have quite the bump going. As soon as she saw me she says “Oh we’re going to have a great big Priscilla aren’t we” and goes on and on about how big I am, she even said direct quote…”Your ass is getting big too.” not kidding.
I’m not tiny (like her) havent been since high school, now I’m also pregnant get off my case lady.
Sigh she can be a very nice sweet lady at times…but she also drives me crazy. As for advice on how to deal…just don’t visit to often, take everything with a grain of salt and then get on weddingbee and vent it out.
Post # 5
@AnonymousCupcake: My DH has very overbearing parents as well & its super annoying. MIL text messaged me the other day and said “Check out the Bugaboo Cameleon 3 All Black Special Edition Stroller! It is what Will & Kate got and what we’re giving Spencer & Alice (DH’s cousin). It’s very cook, practically drives itself :)” That was when I was 12w pregnant… I’m pretty sure I don’t need stroller reccomendations from my MIL who had her last kid 30 years ago. Seeing as I was a nanny for 5 families for 3+ years I’d say that I’m pretty current on strollers, what I do and don’t like. Anywho, DH’s parents used to spend a lot of time saying “we’re gonna do this, this and this with you two…” and DH used to be like “okay”… but we learned in premarrital conseling how to say, “Let me check with wife and get back to you.” It’s done wonders in drawing boundaries. For our wedding MIL went and visited my venue then sent me an email on what they were planning as far as wine, dinner service, where to set up ceremony//reception, etc. DH & I wrote back, “thank you so much for taking the time to check out our venue, as for wine, we’ll take care of it, as for blah blah, we’ve got it covered.” We nicely told her to back off. She even made a comment to me a few months later at how polite we were when telling her to back off & she totally got our point 🙂
Post # 6
@ThePrincessBride10612: Oh I like the polite message to back off. The overbearing stuff is so annoying!
Post # 7
@AnonymousCupcake: It’s crazy annoying especially when I have a mom who is completely opposite!!!
Post # 8
@ThePrincessBride10612: Your situation sounds exactly like my situation! My MIL is so overbearing and my mom is so not overbearing, nearing underbearing… We are working on boundaries, but it is tough. I worry about having kids because of my MIL. We are not pregnant now, but I definitely sometimes think maybe we should wait until SIL has a baby (she just got engaged) or move far far away!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@AnonymousCupcake: Learn to say no and mean no then make sure your husband can back you up on it. Also, sometimes saying yes, will make your no’s count more.
She’s planning a baby shower you don’t want. I say suck it up and enjoy the gifts. She’s planning a first birthday party (that your one year will have no memory of or clue what is going on). Say no thanks, we want to do something private, just us or just the immediate family. She’s not going to kidnap your kid for a party.
Post # 10
I definitely agree with PP that say to say no and mean it. It does sound better when it comes from your husband though, since he’s actually their son (vs you are just the daughter-in-law). My ILs are not as pushy as yours, but even when we were dating, they were saying things like the baby should be named after us. When we got pregnant, DH told them in no uncertain terms that we will pick our names ourselves and we will make the decisions ourselves. We will ask for feedback when necessary. It took them a while but finally it hit them that WE are the PARENTS and THEY are the GRANDPARENTS. After they had that realization, it was a lot smoother.