Weddingbee boards

I hope that I can get some advice from all of you regarding this:

My husband and I had our amazingly wonderful wedding three weeks ago, but tonight, while at a local watering hole, I was chastised by one of the bartenders for not inviting him.  Granted, I've known him for almost a decade, I've spent several years drinking cocktails that he has made, and we even played on a softball team together, but I wouldn't consider us close friends; in fact, I don't even have his phone number.  I would even venture to say that he was cold to me about the matter.

As the night went on, he eventually bluntly stated that he was upset that he wasn't invited to our wedding, and I had no idea what to say.  We had a giant wedding (well, 275 people), so I couldn't say that we were trying to keep it intimate.  I can't even say that we had a real method to deciding who to invite and who not to. 

Regardless of our history of a minor friendship, I find myself devastated that I upset someone by not inviting them, and frustrated by the fact that there is nothing that I can do to reverse that.  

Is there anything that I can tactfully say to try to ease his hurt feelings?

Oh, Emileee:  You totally called me out on what I didn't originally include in this post:  I told the friend/bartender that if my husband knew less people that I would have been able to invite more of my friends.  It's not entirely untrue...  I think that two-thirds of our wedding were his guests!  Passive aggressive?  Check. 

Who ever thought you'd have to define your friendship with the bartender? Is it possible to say, "I didn't realize you would want to be there. I know we've known each other for a long time, but our socializing has been limited to the bar and a bit of softball. I'm really sorry this has upset you, but please know I didn't mean to exclude you -- I honestly didn't think it would matter to you."

If this is really bothering you and you care enough to do this, perhaps you could offer him some sort of peace offering (a favorite bottle of spirits, or an invite to the house for dinner with you and your hubby). But I don't by any stretch of the imagination feel like you owe him anything. You don't even know his phone number, for crying out loud!

For the record, we live in a relatively small city (about 80,000), so it was definitely difficult to form our guest list.  There was lots of, "Well, if we invite so and so, we have to invite so and so."  But you're right, million - I honestly didn't realize that he would care to come.  I thought about giving him a big hug and an apology before I left the bar, but I ended up leaving in such an upset hurry that I didn't even say goodbye.  I guess the biggest issue for me here is encountering a problem that I can't fix.  I hate that!

I sure hope so, northernazbride!  I'd be more than happy to just avoid that bar for a bit

Whaaaaaaaaaat?   This guy whose phone number you don't even know assumes he should have been invited to your wedding and calls you out on it?  I would just say this:

"Thank you so much for your enthusiam about our union.  Unfortunately, between family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, we just couldn't invite everyone.  How about a round to celebrate?"  Then flash him a big smile!

@sf carrie:  WOW!  You are one charismatic girl!  I wish that I had thought of that response on the spot, but I think that it can still be applicable in the future.  Thanks for your help!

@eloping - I don't disagree that the bartender is out of line (from an outside perspective). But as is usually the case with relationships/friendships we can't know the dynamics of Lexatron's interactions with the guy. For whatever reason he was upset by the lack of invite, and now she's upset because she doesn't know how to fix it.

Do I think she NEEDS to fix things? No. But if it matters that much to her and if she wants to keep things friendly and amiable with the bartender, then a small gesture may help smooth things over.

i have a feeling i am going to have similiar issue , but with co workers ..so i may be using some of these lines too...

Thank you so much, everyone.  You've all made me feel a lot better about this.  And Miss Root, you have a good point:  We have definitely never hung out when we weren't playing softball or when he's working.  It also helped to talk to my husband about it.  He pointed out that he has met this guy dozens of times, and yet the bartender never remembers him or is friendly with him.  My husband adamantly stated that he wouldn't have wanted him at our wedding.  I'm just going to cross my fingers that he'll get over it.