Post # 1
I know it’s been discussed over and over again on here on how to handle when people ask the “when are you getting married?” or “why aren’t you married yet?” or “where is your ring?” question.
But how do you guys handle really rude or crude comments?
For example, I’ve had a customer say “well you must be doing something wrong if you don’t have a ring yet.” I also had a rather rude as hell old man say “Well why would he want to marry you when you’ve been giving it away for free for all these years?” Umm….EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?! Or even my gyno, who last year asked “Where is your ring?” during my yearly exam (she knew my anniversary had recently passed) and then said “You better have a ring next year.” I am almost dreading this question in a couple of months from her.
I try not to let these get to me, but it sucks having to just sit there quietly looking at your feet because you don’t know what to say.
This topic was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Aly7489.
Post # 2
Aly7489: “I don’t need a ring. I already have the man. It’s enough for me, for now”
Post # 3
Aly7489: “My SO and I are happy with where we’re at. We don’t feel like we need a ring on my finger to be 100% committed to each other. When it happens, it happens, and we’re loving and appreciating the here and now”.
THat’s my advice- and if you use it, make sure to say “we” rather than “he”. I think it’s important to getg across that you’re both equally in this together, and he doesn’t call all the shots.
Post # 4
I’d tell them to f*ck off, but on another note–how do these random strangers and your gyno even know these things about your personal life? (Well, maybe your doctor asked, but the customers? I’d steer clear of discussing stuff like that as there are lots of people with no filter out there who feel the need to give you their opinions).
Post # 5
Aly7489: When confronted with a really rude comment I’d be very tempted to respond in a way that makes the commenter feel uncomfortable/force them to think about what they just said:
Commenter: Well you must be doing something wrong if you don’t have a ring yet
Me: Wow thanks, I didn’t realize that getting a man to marry me was a contest that I’m participating in. I guess I’ll start trying harder!<br />___
Commenter: Well why would he want to marry you when you’ve been giving it away for free for all these years?<br />Me: So tell me if I have this right…you think it’s appropriate for you to speculate about/make jokes about my sex life? Wow, I had previously thought you were a gentleman.
Of course my real life response would be something more like, “that’s not really our focus right now.”
Post # 6
People did that to me, and even though it bothered me, I tried not to let it show. With the really rude comments, (“giving it away for free”…yeah, i heard it too), I usually said things like “being engaged or married does not define happiness in a relationship, and ring or no ring, he treats me with respect”. Usually the rude people are the ones who don’t know you well or are too involved in your personal info anyways.
Post # 7
MrsYokiman: I have pictures of us in my office and they ask if that is my husband. I politely say “No, he isn’t my husband yet” with a small smile, then they notice I don’t have an engagement ring. Then they go into the comments. Since I work in lending, most of have to sit in my office while I’m working on loans so then they start asking questions or conversations.
I generally try to say “We are working on it” or something like that. One time I snapped at someone and said “well my relationship has lasted longer than either of his sisters marriages, so I must be doing better than you think I am.” Not my proudest moments, but sometimes bitch mode gets activated.
Post # 8
Aly7489: Ah, gotcha. Wow–you have some real peaches as customers, then. I’d just look at them and say, ‘Looks like I’ll be adding another 5% interest to your loan for being an asshat…’
Post # 9
MrsYokiman: you never fail to make me laugh!
As per MrsYokiman’s suggestion I’d arch my brow haughtily and say very dryly “really? That’s how you tried to impress me?” Then I’d pretend to write down notes on their “case files”.
If I had the balls for this of course. 😉
Post # 11
cbgg: AprilinTX: MrsYokiman: Soon2ElopeBee: I was so shocked each time (those two aren’t the only ones), especially the “giving it away” comment that I couldn’t respond. What was worse was that his wife giggled at what he said.
If I had the balls, I would say “thats none of your damn business” but I don’t want to get fired.
I actually told my SO about all the comments I have received like these and he felt really bad and was offended. A majority of theses comments are from men. A few from older, snootywomen (one is the VP of the credit union I work for and thats who I snapped at in a pp) but mostly men. I used to be able to say we were waiting for me to graduate, but now anything I have tried to say gets laughed or snickered at.
Post # 12
When are you getting married? “Not today… Maybe tomorrow.”<br /><br />Well why not/ when are you getting married? “I have work to do today… Maybe I’ll get married tomorrow.”<br /><br />Why don’t you have a ring? “You don’t need a ring to decide to get married, but I’m not getting married today anyway. Maybe tomorrow I will get married. Today me and my boyfriend both have work.”<br /><br />So far that answer has served me very well. <br />The nosiest tend to ask again. Repeat the sentence with a shrug of the shoulders and a smile. “Maybe tomorrow. Not likely today.”<br /><br />As far as your relationship being none of your customers’ business, I’ll point out that you’re putting it out there as a talking point for them. You can turn your photos so only you see them, or not have photos of him in your office. You should consider calling him your ‘boyfriend’ instead of saying he’s not your husband ‘yet’. <br />Say he’s your boyfriend as a fact and it keeps things professional. Add that he’s not your husband ‘yet’ and you’re opening the door for the conversation prying into your personal life.<br /><br />Put up photos of some awesome landscape or a silly cat and it will change some of your nosy customers’ mindless banter to something that’s comfortable for you. Do a sort of SIU pact with everyone involved in your workplace. Play it cool, don’t talk about your desire to be engaged and they’ll leave you alone a lot more.
Post # 13
When they ask if he is your DH, you smile and say, “Oh, no; not yet!” If they persist and ask why, the answer is best if you make it YOUR choice – something along the lines of, “I’m so young! I’m not ready to settle down yet!” or, “I have a lot of living to do before I take that step!” Then the people asking the questions still view you as in charge and laugh with you. If they still think you should be married or considering it, it is you who should look at them with pity or like throwbacks for thinking that’s all a young woman should be concerned with. When you present yourself as in-charge, customers respond to your authority.
Post # 14
Aly7489: wow, people really suck
Well, to help you respond to these dumb questions, I would just say that “I don’t need a ring to define our relationship” Its true. In todays day and age, people are living together way before marriage, and getting married really is just a piece of paper. I mean, for DH & I, we get the same question all.the.time. “So, hows married life?” And I say, “no different than when we werent married” However, with that being said, people sometimes ask, so why did you get married?
We got married because we were willing to sign that piece of paper. Bc that piece of paper is so powerful, and its binding. And its the ultimate committment to one another. But, if we never got married, I would have been okay with that too.
Post # 15
- Wedding: Davis Island Garden Club
This really sucks. I don’t really like discussing personal stuff with clients so if I were you I would start by moving the picture out of their line of sight. I agree with PP, I would either take the position that it was YOUR choice or respond in a way that makes them feel like an ass. When they ask why arnt you married yet I would reply by saying its a really personal topic and I’d rather not discuss it. Or the guy who said your giving it away for free (he’s an assclown btw), I would ask what he means by that? And when he clarifies in would ask him why he feels it is appropriate to make assumptions about my sex life. He’ll shut up real quick.