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About a week ago I posted a long vent about my SO watching porn. I thank you all for your great advice and sympathy or just letting me vent. I wanted to update that I tried approaching SO after that and things got out of hand.
First of all, I chose an insecure moment to nag my SO about porn (I have talked/nagged about this 3 time in the past 2 weeks). It turns out he was very open and straight forward but I freaked out and at some point was crying and yelling “JUST STOP WATCHING (and masturbating) NOW!!”. The worse thing I think I said was “Chose me or porn!”. Definitely not cool, coz it just made my SO from calm and open to start feeling like he was being judged as immoral and cheating. He said he always respected my privacy and never asked about what I do in my private time on top of that would not be offended at all if I wanted to enjoy some solo time myself. I just went on and on for 3 hours and it was getting ugly.
He was mad I wasn’t giving him any credit for being honest.
The next morning we were both sleep deprived and had to go to work. SO was furious from the fight and yelled at me “IT’S JUST PORN OK! DEAL WITH IT!” before he slammed the door and left the house. All I could do was cry. Around 3 pm he called me and asked me out on a special dinner date. So he took me out to a place that was memorable for us and he apologized for yelling in my face (but said he really was not happy from my emotional talk the night before). He said he’d promise he’d try his best to minimize porn watching and try his best to meet my needs. I asked him why not promise to stop watching it all together (pushing it right?). He said he’d rather be honest about what he can do rather than lie to make me feel better.
A few days later…after a “session in bed” (sorry TMI) SO says “I watched porn earlier today and we just proved it didn’t take anything away from the real thing”. I felt furious that 1. he watched porn! 2. he actually brought porn up to prove a point.
Since everything was out in the open he told me that to him porn is for the times he just wants an “orgasm” and sex is for when he wants to “make love” and connect to his partner. He actually told me he’d like me to think that way as well as he feels so “used” when I try to nag him desperately for rushed sex (hinting ‘if you’re just bothered go get a quick fix please’).
So I’m starting to think; maybe I should let the porn and masturbating slide? Focus more on our relationship and our love making rather than trying to win but controlling him to stop watching porn? Try to look at it in a good way that it’s an appetizer that gets him ready for the “main course”?
I talked to many guy friends, (even my brother who is always on my side) and they all say that my SO has made a huge gesture and I should stop being controlling and give him some solo time. They all said “So he happens to like to watch porn and masturbate in privacy sometimes, and you just can’t let it go?”
…I’m trying to move on and stop letting porn bug me so much.I need you ladies to shake me to my senses before I become a control freak b*tch.
Sorry ladies...I'm just upset tonight and needed to vent. I really want to move on as I know there are a lot of couples out there that can be happy even with porn.
I know that counseling is something we need for the bigger issue...I'm just trying to deal with porn right now here...
I know this isn't a helpful comment at all, but I totally see things from your side. 4 hours of porn in a day is not a small amount of porn. I'd be upset and hurt and angry too. I wouldn't be ok with it.
I agree with toothfairyb - 4 hours of porn in one day is a lot, and I think most women would be bothered by it. Have you guys discussed couples counseling? Maybe a counselor could help you guys understand each others point of view and come to some sort of compromise ...
OOPSS...BIG typo...I guess was was so upset I kept ranting and ranting...
I meant 4 hours before sex...not 4 hours of porn....the porn itself was 10 mins.
I edited the original text to avoid the confusion.
sorry about that and..thanks for listening at such a late hour.
Many girls grow up without the prevalance of porn in their lives. Many guys grow up with porn/sexy pics/Playboys whatever being a very normal part of their lives. I think this disconnect can cause some misunderstanding and miscommunication in people's lives. I wrote on your last post that I'm totally okay with FI watching porn. However, I should clarify that I never expected to be okay with it until I met him. Because we have occasional communication because of it, and because I don't feel that it has any negative impact on our relationship, I've changed my opinion.
But I do want to say that I've been following your thoughts on this topic...and I think there is something really good here. I think that you are very open to understanding that you have overreacted/badly reacted on occasion, and you realize that for some people, some porn might be considered normal. On his side, he seems to be attempting to focus more on your needs. Most of all...you are talking about this issue openly. I don't think that you have to be okay with porn or he has to totally change after one conversation. Since this seems like a big problem for you, I think it will take a lot of conversation, time, and perhaps some professional assistance you can find a situation you are both comfortable with.
yeah I think your SO has been amazingly open about it, have u thought of watching it together?
Do you worry about his porn addiction turning into something more serious down the road? Addiction doesn't normally level out. Once you're not able to get the same high you move on to another level of it. I'd personally be worried about infidelity.
Having always had more male friends than females I have to weigh in that if a guy says he doesn't watch or look at porn AT ALL - he's lying. I've had friends and SOs that ran the gamut of frequency from very rarely to what I would consider an addiction (including one crazy ex that, towards the end, used to flip it on when I walked into a room just to piss me off. He was an odd bird all around)
I don't think that fact that he watches porn should be much of an issue. As long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship, ie he can still have sexy time in real life with you, and he respects your boundaries, ie makes an effort to at least hide the mags, clear the brower history - whatever, you're each entitled to your privacy behind closed doors.
I personally have always thought a guy watching a little porn discretely was helpful for a relationship. Let them get it out of their system because some of that s*** I WILL NEVER DO=)
I had a ex that used to often times choose porn and solo time over having sex with me. We were working almost opposite schedules and once I'd get home and be ready to start something he'd be like well I took care of that a few hours ago. So needless to say I've had a really negative view on porn for a while now. FH does watch porn on occassion but has never kept it from me, has offered to watch it with me, and has never once let his solo time take away from our relationship. Surprisingly its never once bothered me- personally I think as long as he's open about it and still willing to meet your needs as a couple then you've got to just let it go and quit focusing on it so much.
Well, just from my own perspective, I think what he's doing is really not something to worry about. Like another poster said, I don't know any men who don't openly admit to watching porn. I understand what your FI is saying about wanting just a quick tension release versus emotional, intimate connection time with you. As long as his porn habit is not affecting your sex life together, which it sounds like it isn't, I would try to let it go.
Have you ever read Dan Savage, the sex advice columnist? He has a very strong perspective on this issue--he always says that you can either let your FI be honest about his porn-watching, or force him to lie to you about it, because you're never going to be able to get him to completely stop watching it for the rest of his life. I always thought that was an interesting way to frame it, at least.
Wait, 4 hours a DAY?!?! Where did that number come from? That is NOT okay. I'm sorry, 4 hours a day... what should he be doing in that time? Working? Helping around the house? Paying attention to you? Sleeping? That's 1/6 of his day.
No, KM, it was a typo--she said she meant he watched porn for ten minutes, four hours before they had sex.
Edit: Not sure if that reads as harsh, but it's not supposed to be! Just trying to clarify so everybody is on the same page about the issue the OP is trying to solve. Also, I would have FLIPPED if it were 4 hours a day.
Actually I think that is actually really great of your guy. He is open in expressing his position, trying to be considerate and making a compromise. I think you may be over analyzing this just a little bit. I don't think that he was trying to prove a point with telling you that he watched porn after a session in bed. It seems like he was just trying to help you know that the porn is not such a big deal. Just like I think that you having solo time would not be a big deal either.
Guys are just this way. It's OKAY! I'm sure someone will come on here and post how their SO would never watch porn, but if that's true they are one in a million that don't. Everyone I have ever met DOES (be it friends, my brothers, whatever)...and who cares! My FI works on computers and I can't tell you how many times he's been transferring files for clients or backing up data an all the porn that has been on these machines either in their browser favorites or in files on their freakin desktop. Probably every single one that was used by just a man. And, we're talking very wealthy, high profile businessmen...and married.
Every guy I've ever dated watched it, and it all started long before I ever stepped in the picture. He's not hiding it from you and the fact that he screamed back at you "It's just porn" is probably exactly how he's feeling. To a guy it's just NO BIG DEAL and his comment to you about having watched it earlier was not to make you feel bad, it was to show you that "See I watched it earlier and it obviously has no effect on the way I feel about you, etc.".Him calling and wanting to take you on a date was his way of reaching out to you and trying to be sensitive of your feelings, which was really nice, so take that at face value. I'm telling you he really doesn't think it's a big deal, he never will, he's a guy, it's what they do, he's done it since he was a teen most likely and it's just stupid little thing he does.
Let it go. Enjoy your life with him, maybe even watch it with him and see that it's no big deal. You might even get a chuckle out of it.
I'm just going to chime in and say that I do understand the variation between "getting yours" and "having sex/making love". There is a big difference....maybe sit on it for a couple weeks, see how you handle your SO's new dedication to doing it less often and working on your relationship. THEN reevaluate. I think you're still pretty emotional and he's still defeated about it and perhaps letting it lie instead of tackling it head on for awhile would help? Then you can always bring it up again.
Maybe you have an unrealistic concept of what he's doing, particularly when you say things like "Choose it versus me"...obviously you said that b/c you feel that on some level! I don't think porn is to guys what girls think it is sometimes....
I don't think he's ever going to think it's a big deal, either. I think it's just how some guys are. I know my SO doesn't think it's a big deal and me telling him not to do it would be relatively unfeasible. If all he wants is to get his rocks off, asking me to take care of it in a non-sexual, non-loving manner simply isn't something I'll do. I'm his wife--I don't fulfill tricks like that. If ALL he wants is that, he can do that on his own. It's like football to him. I dunno if he watches it or what he does, and I don't ask; I just know from the general concensus of my guy friends that it's not a big deal at all. But, the same goes for you--you may never be okay with it, just like they will always be okay with it. And if you have other problems festering in your relationship, this could just be the icing on the cake.
YOu are doing yourself and your SO a favor by dropping it. He is not cheating on you, he is masturbating to relieve stress, out of boredom, whatever. The important thing is- he's not cheating/comparing/whatever (on) you- my SO says he can't masturbate without the visual.... and truthfully.... I think it's worse I stare at the cute boy at work than him looking at some anonymous naked chick.
However, if you keep at this- he will see you as a prude- and it sounds like from your fighting that he resents you trying to control this part of him- and you sound like you don't want that.... because that would be a recipe for disaster a few years from now. Let boys be boys- give him his privacy, it will be okay! *Hugs* I hope that helps next time it irks you!
The middle of the night arguments and yelling probably aren't very helpful to your cause. But at the same time, I don't think you should have to have a certain opinion about it, you're allowed not to like it. Honesty is very important in a relationship, and it sounds like he's being somewhat honest with you, as you are with him (just in a loud sort of way). And it sounds like you guys are reaching a compromise on it.
However, I do think the way you described it in your last post it sounded like he focused too much on it and not enough on you. Although it's not necessarily a substitute it can be a substitute. And while he has legitimate points you do too. You just have to think hard about what you're lacking, what exactly you're upset about, and be able to express it clearly. And keep doing what you're doing now and realize there's two sides to the story and try to understand his point of view so you can reach a point you're both good with.
Hmm, well it seems like I may have an unpopular opinion here, but here's my take on the whole thing:
I mentioned this on your last post as well, but I am not okay with my FI watching porn. It makes me very uncomfortable and I've expressed that to him and he no longer watches it. And it isn't like many girls on here have said where he says he doesn't watch it just to make me happy - he really doesn't watch it at all because he knows how it makes me feel.
I do think that (as you've already said), you may have handled it poorly. Yelling at him isn't going to make him want to talk about it, but at the same time I don't believe that you should swallow your feelings and just forget the whole thing to make him happy. That's not fair to you if it genuinely hurts you.
I agree with ejs's opinion that you should just sit on it for a few weeks and then reevaluate how you feel. You're obviously very upset about it right now and you need to calm down before you talk to him so that you can have a calm and rational discussion - from what you've said it sounds like he's willing to do that as long as it doesn't turn into a screaming fight. That's really awesome that he's mature enough to discuss it openly with you.
You may end up deciding that you are okay with him watching it every once in a while, but please don't just ignore how you feel. If this truly upsets you then you guys need to come to some sort of compromise that you can both be happy with. To be honest, if I would have just given up on the idea of FI not watching porn, it would have made me unhappy and I wouldn't have ever been able to truly let it go. If that's how you feel then you need to be honest with your FI and tell him that this is a serious issue to you because it's not fair to him to just pretend like you don't care because you'll end up taking it out on him for other things.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you stick with how you truly feel, whether that means you're okay with the porn or not. Just make sure that when/if you do approach your FI about it again, you do it in a calm and rational way! I hope this works out for you. Keep us updated!!!
I've been stalking the boards for a while, but I feel so strongly about this ...I went ahead and got a user name.
I am amazed, and constantly surprised (and appalled) at how many women think it is OK, it is normal even, for their guys to look at porn. "oh it's just a guy thing" IT IS NOT. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. I don't know why women just expect it now. Lower standards? Why do we expect to be disrespected in this way? Disclaimer: I know some women are really actually OK with it, to each their own.
My FI and I went through this about a year into our relationship. I suspected, and hinted at it, and he finally came to me and told me that he did look at porn. I was crushed. It progressed from simple photos of women, to more gratuitous photos, to videos.
It made me feel like complete and utter crap. In my mindset, porn is almost just as bad as CHEATING itself. It's just the way I feel. In fact, we don't have sex - we are waiting. So for the FI to see all these naked women before me, made it seem like I would have to hold up to them, or I would be a let down. Even if that wasn't the case at all.
If porn is something that bothers you this much, I believe that he should respect that. You do need to handle it in a different manner, just cool off and get your thoughts together (and like amanda.lynn said you may change your mind). But if it still hurts you, you need to be clear (although, no ultimatums) how it makes you feel. He may say it's not what he intended to do (obviously because it's not), but explain to him that it doesn't matter how he intended it to be - it's how it makes you feel that is important.
Also, does he not get the idea of a quickie??? My FI and I are so looking forward to those (well as well as everything else). You still have a connection, but it's just a quick, in a hurry, make your heart beat fast, good time. Or maybe a quick hand job, or bj? Those would all be great substitutes for porn. When your not home, and he is in the mood...he has gotten used to the idea that he can just get to the computer for it. Instant gratification.... I don't understand why guys just can't wait until their SO get home.
I know I'm just rambling...but basically when you do sit down and talk to him about this stuff,
1. make sure you know how you feel
2. stay calm, no yelling
3. speak from the point of view of "this is how this makes me feel" and make sure he understands that it doesn't matter how he intended it to be...it's how it made you feel that is important.
4. don't point fingers (it will just make him feel attacked)
5. try to come up with some alternatives to porn. quickies, bj, handjobs, watching each other masturbate...etcetera
(this is all just IMO)
I am going to echo the previous posters that watching some porn occassionally is not unhealthy to a relationship. I don't like porn (frankly I find it more amusing than sexy, but that is just me), but guys are more visual. However, I saw that you mentioned you guys might need some couples counseling for other issues and I wonder if porn is just a lightening rod for deeper issues. Just make sure that when you are discussing or arguing about one issue that is indeed what is bothering you.
I do not think that it is okay for one person in a relationship to do ANYTHING that is hurtful to the other person, porn included. Plus, I just don't agree with the 'porn is okay, at least he's being honest argument.' It is not okay. Watching another naked chick is not okay. Becoming aroused and following through to someone other than your partner is not okay. Trying to talk down to someone else to rationalize your lack of judgement is not okay.
You've asked your HUSBAND to stop watching porn and he's not willing to. THIS is an addiction. I have a hard time understanding people condoning it. There is NO possible way to justify this behavior.
I really confused here, do people regard watching porn as a sin? If so, what about masturbation, premarital sex, kinks, etc..... where do you draw the line?
Just curious- seems like people have really strong opinions on this as someone just compared watching porn to a disease.
@sulaii - Just wanted to clarify that I personally don't think porn is "disgusting" or any of that...I know that many people on here are perfectly fine with their SOs watching it, and that's great! But for me personally I am not comfortable with my FI watching it. It makes me feel devalued and very uncomfortable. But it all stems from personal feelings and if other people are okay with it, then I have no problem with that! 
This probably won't help but- my SO says masturbating is something he needs/wants to do and he really just needs a visual for it. He honestly can't remember what the girls look like, (and he has no reason to lie- he knows I could care less.)
"What I do by myself is lonely- (but feels good in a pinch,) porn can't replace you or the emotional/physical connection we have."
This probably won't change your PO, but he wanted you to know the guys' perspective.
This is a sensitive topic to a lot of people so I will TRY not to step on any toes.
1. Being ASKED to stop watching porn and not doing so is not indicative of an addiction. WANTING to stop watching porn and not being able to IS indicative of an addiction.
2. I have seen a lot of postings on this topic and others, stating that watching porn or refusing to stop watching porn is disrespectful. Personally, I don't think it's any more disrespectful than wanting someone to stop doing something they clearly think is harmless and want to continue doing. Relationship requires compromise and we all must choose our battles.
3. If your significant other is totally open and honest about certain activities, how they view them, etc. then the LAST thing you want to do is become combative and make them feel like crap for being honest. Respect the honesty and try to come to an amicable solution. How you handle this situation may affect what your significant other shares/does not share with you later on down the line.
4. Make sure that the problem is not self. What I mean by that is this...naked and half-naked women can be seen/found all over the place. Your significant other doesn't have to actively look. Some women will come on to your SO with no regards to you. If you personally have insecurities..be it about your body or your desirability in general...work on it. Don't be threatened by the perceived "competition" of some nameless chick on a computer screen. To most guys....porn is just something they watch...like we watch wedding shows.
porn can be an addiction, just like video games can be an addiction, alcohol can be an addiction etcetera. There is a fine line....
It all comes with how you, as a couple feel. If one person in the relationship feels devalued and uncomfortable (stealing amanda.lynn's words) with something the other person is doing in the relationship then, they should respect them enough not to do it.
It's all personal preference - I believe pornography is wrong, but another person could totally be fine with it. I just find it funny that it is a common acceptance that men just watch porn....and I don't believe it should be (again, just IMO). Anywho, I am a Christian, but I believe if I wasn't I would feel the same way about it. I don't think there is anyplace for it in a relationship. Think about it, you or your SO - lusting after another person, getting aroused, and orgasming to that person - someone who is not the one you are in a relationship to ... you can spin it anyway you'd like, but that is basically cheating in your head (IMO).
side note: I really really dislike the notion that "men are more visual" and need porn.
@pinksugar does that mean you count sexual fantasies as cheating? Jus' wonderin
@JamaicaBride I hear you on our wedding porn, it's a damn good point- I spend more time on WB than he does on porn. For those of us in Waiting- I glad my guy is supportive of my WB community- but what if he wasn't?
While I completely agree with compromise and respect and whatever that means to a particular relationship- I think you get to own your own imagination.
well, sure it is a little extreme...but yes.
I don't sexually fantasize about other men, so I expect my SO to do the same. Honestly I don't think that is too much to ask.
It is a misconception that men HAVE to masturbate. They don't, plain and simple. The body will take care of it. IE. Men who don't masturbate will get rid of the sperm via a "wet dream".
Granted, that is not fun, or pleasurable...and with the age of instant gratification ..why would guys not want to simply turn on the computer and go?
All I know my FI doesn't do it now, and I trust that he doesn't. It's not some big sacrifice - it's porn. It's just a unnecessary habit guys get into. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would do the same - I would stop watching out of respect.
Basically everyone has their own opinion about what is right and what is wrong....
My relationship with my SO is solid. It is perfect for us. No porn involved
But other people have solid relationships and watch porn
to each his/her own...what it comes down to is how you/ your SO feel about it.
It is nice to have a community to discuss it, Annie, but I don't think people should tell you how to feel or what to do about something - IE "just drop it" "shouldn't be an issue" and others on the flipside, myself included.
Just know that we support you, and you should do what is best for YOU, and your SO.
Someone mentioned you guys are getting counseling for other things, or are going to? Best of luck with that and I hope everything works out for you and the SO.
some people are imposing their morals on others...ultimately, it is what is right for you and your FI...If you don't want him to watch porn, it might ultimately be about you or porn...not that you should put it that way, but are you willing to accept this, even if it becomes a full blown addiction? I know of at least a handful of girls whose BFs/hubbies would watch porn, then not want to have sex w/ them...to me that is unhealthy.
On the flip side, are you saying your FI should never masturbate? that I would take his side on...
Here is what me and DH came to as a compromise:
he would watch limited porn before we were married and we didn't talk about it in detail...we did not have sex until we were married...at that point, I gave him boudoir pics of me (not full nudes but still sexy!), and he agreed to give up porn 100% from that point...he could either sleep w/ me or look at my boudoir pics.
I just don't think it's that big of a deal. It's just porn. he's still coming to me for the real thing.
To each their own, I guess.
@Mermaid - I don't want to put words in her mouth but from her last post from what I understand is that's part of the problem right there, the real thing. Her = once a week Computer = everyday.
Also-the issue is not just porn, it's lack of caring about how his actions affect the person he loves most.
Pinksugar! I completly agree with you and your advice! And share the same feelings on the topic.I don't think it is right how It has become so accepted that porn is ok. Your watching people have sex... And it is a distorted version. Not loving or meaningful at all.
I wanted to elaborate on the fact that sexual fantasies are a sin, if you are dwelling and entertaining them in your mind. Doing this produces lust. The fact that you thought of it in the first place is not a sin. Like I said, it is the dwelling on it part that is, and in most cases leads to action on it.
Being tempted is not a sin.
Jesus was tempted and yet remained perfect.
I don't mean to get preachy or throwing out bible verses but I do believe this to be truth so there is no avoiding it... the bible says that even if you look at someone lustfully even without acting on it you have committed adultry in your heart.
Thank God for the redemption brought by Jesus! I need forgiveness in this constently. FI is so darn good looking :)
p.s. I am not saying that I am perfect! Or that I don't personally struggle with dwelling on the excitiment of having sex with my husband.
These are all personal opinions and I am just telling what I believe.
Like I said, I don't get it. Maybe it's because I'm not in the situation, but I just could not disrespect my fiance by telling him to stop doing something that is natural and non-offensive. People masturbate. Oh well. She said herself that it's incredibly controlling and I think that is a bigger issue than him spanking the monkey. He's not cheating. Masturbation is not wrong or dirty. Porn is just stimuli. I honestly think he's not doing anything wrong and I think the OP is not in the right.
Just my opinion, I guess, but I think she needs to lighten up and realize she can't control everything about him,
I agree that there is no right or wrong in this matter but your own preference, value, and beliefs. If you are not ok with it, then it is his problem as well, and you two need to come to a middle ground or agreement. I personally have problems with porn (I had an ex who lied to me so he could download porn on a Friday night than being with me lol) and I try to get this issue sorted out early on in the relationship so I don't end up being with a porn addict/watcher. If I were in your situation, though, I'd definitely try to see if anything can be worked out (alternatives, etc.). I think it's up to you to see what is comfortable, rather than what other people think.
I am so sorry you are going through this. :(
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