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Honestly, I look at it like this. You question if your husband may resent you someday if he doesn't have his own child; well what about you? You have clearly expressed multiple reasons and feelings to not have a child but if you did it to please him and your daughter, who's to say you won't harbor any resentment down the road for not only your husband but the future child? I can't tell you what to do, but IMO if I had all those reservations and feelings, I would not be having another child. This isn't something that just works itself out. I personally feel a child should be wanted out of mutual love and not obligation.
Im sorry that you have so many worries. I know money is a tough one that a lot of people struggle with.
Have you thought about seriously looking at your finances and seeing what could be cut back or reduced? Maybe if you tell your husband this is your concern, maybe he will work on saving more, spending less, and showing you that you guys can still live comfortably on one salary. Maybe you still work, but maybe limit yourself to daytime shifts. Again, less income for you guys, but like you said, maybe it would also save on daycare. If its something he REALLY wants (which it sounds like he does), then work with him to have him prove/show you how it feasibly would work.
It sounds like if you could work out the logistics in your head, then you might be on board with having another. I can totally understand that its really expensive and a logistical challenge!
@SecretName: totally agree with everything you said!!
OP, my husband and I are not planning on having any children. A lot of the reasons are what you listed above. I love kids (have lots under the age of 7 in our family) but I love giving them back and going home to my house with just my husband, dog and cat. I couldn't imagine having a child to take care of all the time, and having to give up doing what I want. Our family can't really understand that, but honestly, I don't care. They have come to terms with the fact that I don't want kids, and even though they ask every time I am playing with the little ones, my answer is always the same. I even had one family member ask what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant, would I abort? My thought at this point is no, we would deal and sacrifice and get over it, and have the baby. I couldn't tell you what I would do if it were to happen, but we are doing what we can to make sure it doesn't happen that way.
Maybe, have your husband read your post. I think that if he could really make himself understand the magnitude of your fears, that he would better understand, and be more of a help in making a decision. guys don't have the mental capacity that we do, and just plain don't think like us. But if he is willing to try to understand what you are going through, then I think you could both sit down and make a better, more informed decision.
And I will say this as a last thought. My sister is almost 7 years younger than me, and yes, we didn't always get along, especially when I was a young teenager and we shared a room. But now, I am 27 and she's a month shy of 21, and I consider her one of my best friends. We just took a trip together, and had a blast. Sometimes, she understands me better than anyone. She is my carbon copy, physically (people think we are twins!) and health wise as well, but she has an amazing attitude and personality, much more like our father, where I'm like our mom, hot tempered and hell on wheels at times. Point is, if you were to have another, things might not always be rosy, but I think that they could end up forming a beautiful friendship
I agree with @SecretName:. I'm not a mom yet, pregnant, so I worry about loving a second baby the same as I love this one as well. I just have to say on your marriage, don't let your 1st marriage and how he reacted after a while, be how you thin your husband willreact eventually
You sounds like you really don't want another kid. Like, REALLY don't want another kid. I think you should listen to yourself on that!
Also, though I agree that 6 kids is crazy chaos, don't have one kid only because you are projecting your own childhood wants/needs onto your kid. i see people doing this all the time: "I never had a sibling, so I wanted to give my child one" "My parents had too many kids, so I never had what I needed". There is always a happy medium, and it doesn't lie in the extreme from what you had.
Of course, you have many, many other reasons for not wanting another child besides that, I just wanted to point out the projection. Finances and loss of personal freedom are like #1 and #2 in my book for not having more kids. My husband and I will have one, see how it goes, and *maybe* have a second...
Sorry, I'm still thinking about ya and wanted to post a few more comments.
It sounds to me like everything you listed there would fall in three categories,
Maybe try to break everything down into some categories. Talk with your husband about what he can do about the logistcal fears (like I mentioned about). On the other two, you really have to do some soul searching though but maybe with some of the other stuff out of the way this would be easier.
While reading your post, I could relate to so many of your worries. I grew up in a large family, and even though I know for sure I want more kids, I worry that I won't have the time or finances or love for another child. I worry that I only my daughter so much because she's easy and fun and if I have a "difficult" child I might not love them as much. I'm not really close with any of my sisters, and I worry that my daughter will hate us (and her sibling) if we have another baby. I had a rough pregnancy with my first one, and I worry that, if I'm that sick with my next pregnancy(s), my daughter won't get the time or attention or love that she deserves or that I won't be able to handle everything. I worry that my husband and/or I could have some tragic accident and leave her orphaned; that she could have a tragic accident and leave us completely unable to cope; that we could lose a future child; etc... The first year of her life has brought a lot of changes to our marriage, and I worry that we might not be able to handle another child and we'll end up divorced. I hate leaving my daughter at day care every day, and even though I'm planning to become a stay at home mom soon, I worry that we won't be able to afford it and I'll have to go back to work and leave TWO babies at day care. How could I possibly do that?!
All of these fears are normal; it's part of being a parent. It sucks to worry so much and be so anxious and to stay up late at night thinking about it or crying because it's so overwhleming, but most parents can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Hugs, I totally understand this part of your post.
The other issue, to me, is that it seems like your husband is pressuring you a little bit to have another baby. Your fears, while perfectly normal, are totally legitimate, and I think in order for you and your husband to come to an agreement, you're going to have to sit down and talk them through one by one. Which things can you work on (maybe finances, relationship, etc...)? Which things are you going to have to let go (not having enough time, worry about sibling relationships, etc...)? And which things are absolute dealbreakers for you (i.e. if those issues can't be resolved, you absolutely will not agree to having another baby)? Sit your husband down and tell him, "I can't have a child with you until we address some of these issues." Write them down, if need be, so you don't forget them.
The thing is, this situation is not going to disappear. It's pretty obvious that your husband wants another child, and until you address each issue, you're not going to feel comfortable making a decision. Once you work through things, maybe you'll discover you're ok with having another baby. Or maybe you and you husband (together) will decide that your family is perfect the way it is, and decide not to try for another. Either way, the only way I can see this working out is by talking to your husband, possibly multiple times, until you work out the core issues here. Good luck; it's not easy to approach your husband with all of this, but I think it's going to be the only way to resolve it.
Sorry I am just now posting back to this... I really appreciate all of the responses and I am so glad to see that there are some soon to be parents and even some current parents that have the same fears and worries that I do.
Me and my husband had a date night lastnight and we started talking about having a baby again because he brought it up that he had dreamed about it. I started expressing more indept my concerns and he just seemed to be annoyed saying that I am so negative. When I ask him what we can do to help ease at least some of my fears (the ones we have control over... finances Time etc) He just keeps saying that we will handle it and figure something out. When i tell him that answer is not good enough that I need a plan he tells me he is more of a quick responder when a problem arises he then jumps to fix it! (I AM A PLANNER! I NEED A PLAN) He then just keeps saying it could take years for us to get pregnant that we will have 1 or both of the cars payed off then ... but my response to that is that IT could take years but what if it only takes 9 months!
This is the first time I have really collected all of my fears and thoughts and such together and I am definately gonna either read this to him or write it down to talk about. I honestly can think of at least another thing that i totally forgot to mention earlier.
His parents are in their mid 50's and have 4 adopted children all 4 are under the age of 18 3 of them are not even teenagers yet. 2 of the children are hadicapped and mentally disabled. 1 girl is 17 not only is she completely blind but she suffered brain damage as a infant and has the mind set and learning capabilities of about a 6 year old. (she can feed, dress & bathe herself... but still requires some degree of help with all those... she will never be able to live on her own.)
1 boy is 10 he is mentally handicapped his learning capabilities are about where they need to be but he is very slow to process things and is slow even in his speech. He also has I forgot what it is called but it is a muscular thing where he has little fine motor skills and limited control of his muscles.(including his bladder and bowels) He can't walk he is in a wheel chair and he even has trouble sitting and holding himself uprite.(it is pretty doubtful that he will be able to take care of himself either)
When something happens to his parents all of the children go to my husband & me. So it is pretty much a sure bet that no matter what age they go (bc we know we all have to go one day) we will then be responsible for 2 handicapped children or adults. ( i personally struggle with how I am going to handle this already. It is something I just recently found out (not that it would have been a deal breaker between marrying my husband or not but I'm just not sure I am completely OK with the idea of this yet)
I am just gonna briefly respond to a couple of things...
@MissGreen... Yes I definately worry about it both ways... I just dont want to look back one way or another and feel Like I made a mistake nor do I want my husband to feel like he has missed out on being a "DAD" because of me.
@Crayfish... Honestly I am not completely against having another child.. I use to be.... even my family & friends have been shocked that I dont just say absolutely not.. or "only when their is a cold day in hell" bc that would have been the normal response b4 current husband... now my response is "we are talking about it"
@MsMamaBear... I know the new hubsand will definately not be the same as the old one was... but it is hard not to think about how much i struggled the first time.
@Secretname... I really appreciate all your input I am definately gonna talk more to my husband about it and just think more about it myself ... weighing the options.
@missSpring... I am so glad to know that I am not alone in all the worries and fears... sometimes I just feel like a bad person sometimes with the fears and such I am having... like what if i dont love them the same or cant bond with them.
Wow, that would be a lot for me handle, re: inherting your DH's siblings' care, I mean. That in itself might take some time to adjust to.
As far as being a planner goes, we're in opposite situations. My husband is a long term planner (he even has an excel spreadsheet outlining our financial lives until we're 60, lol) and I am very much a short term planner (like looking to tommorrow, but not much beyond that). Sometimes, my husband's *ahem* enthusiasm for planning long-term can actually be overwhelming for me. I need time to process, but he moves really quickly.
What works for us, is that he is allowed to plan to his hearts' content. He already handles the finances in our house, and he makes spreadsheets and documents, etc... with all of his plans. When he feels like he has a good idea in place, he'll approach me with it. I usually need a few days after that to think about things and then we get back together and compromise or work out the details. Idk if this would work for you, but maybe making some concrete financial plans (i.e. if we save this amount every month, we can pay of the car loans in X amount of time), and then approaching your husband would be a little easier. He might be like me and get overwhlemed by thinking too far in the future, or maybe he just needs something in place to work from rather than starting from scratch.
I really understand all your fears, though. I want another baby so bad right now, but my biggest fear is that I won't love the second one. I am so worried I only love my daughter because she's easy and fun. I'm so worried that if our next one is colicky or difficult, I won't love him/her. My husband keeps telling me our daughter is so great because we're great parents, but I'm pretty sure we just got lucky. I'm honestly terrified we won't get as lucky the second time around. :/
@Mrs. Spring: We do have some plans as far as finances go .. in paying off loans and such early.
I can totally relate to those fears... my husband has even commented that I am just spoiled because I have a "perfect" kid...(I hear this all the time when I am complaining about how horrible other peoples kids are! In my mind I am thinking... if thats normal kid behavior ILL PASS!
he did once even say that it is kinda scary to think if we had another one it might not be so easy. I know this makes me sound horrible but I just fear what if it is a little demon and a problem child... what if I dont love it the same and just regret my decision.
@FutureMrs.Harless: Yep, I'm totally there with you. :) I don't think it will stop me from having another (like I said, we for sure want more kids), but it's something I think about a lot and stay up at night thinking about sometimes. It was like love at first sight with my daughter, and even now when she's started getting more difficult, it's easy to love her. I just want to make sure all my kids receive that kind of love and patience and nuturing.
I was talking to my dental hygienist the other day about this (hairdressers and dental hygienists, right? lol!); she had her second the day after I had my daughter. She said she was worried about the same thing, especially because everyone always says how easy she had it with her first. She told me that although her first was easy, her second was easier! She said she had all the same fears, but not to worry; it's just as likely that you'll end up with another perfect angel as is it that you'll end up with a little demon. :) That did make me feel a little better!
Wow, I don't mean to be too upfront but you have a lot of worries. And I respoect you for admitting them but I think you should put all your worries aside and just ask yourself do you and your husband want a baby? Not does he or do you, but come to some kind of agreement based on what you both feel comfortable with. I think you are rthinking too much about what if this or that, and no one really KNOWS what will happen, we can just trust God and let things happen the way they are supposed to. Think about it and talk to your husband about it, but don't worry so much an dput so much pressure on yourself. I don't know if that makes sense but I just feel like whatever your decision is, you should be happy nad not worried about it.
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So I guess I am here because I really do not know who else to talk to this about or maybe just to vent or perhaps just to get it off my chest I dunno. I do appologize for the long length I am sure this is going to be... but I would appreciate you reading it and just giving me any imput thoughts whatever. Maybe you have the same concerns and are undecided.
I guess I should start by saying that I got married and divorced before when I was younger and I have a soon to be 8 year old daughter from that marriage that I have joint custody of with me the primary caregiver . So I myself already have one child and I know how hard it is and how hard it all was. I Love my daughter so much and we are so close. She was a god given miracle in my life & a true blessing in so many ways. All that said though... I never EVER Pictured myself having a child, I never liked kids much( honestly i really still dont like other peoples kids for me the most part (love babies! hate 90% of all kids) and honestly my daughter was a big mistake but a good one bc it changed my life for the best.
Since I had my daughter though I had known that I did not want another one. I had many reasons behind this
1. I came from a big family(6) and hated it, I dont blame my parents but they just never had time for me. not only did they work all the time to provide for us all but BC I was the good kid stayed out of trouble and did well in school. I was also just kinda the loner forgotten kid. Honestly even when I needed something I usually got the response of I dont have time right now .... I have to help (insert other kid here) with such and such. I use to wish all the time I was an only child. I was the baby of the family by several years and I have never had a good relationship with my siblings bc of the age gap and I dont still to this day. So to me I just dont see having a sibiling as being that important. They arent who I turn to or lean on.. we just never had that relationship together.
2.I had an extrememly rough pregnancy. I stayed sick the entire time. Everything made me puke. EVERYTHING! I felt bad all the time. I had horrible acne. I had horrible heartburn. I was put on limited activity. I had 4 different doctors appointments a week for 2 months. I had to have an emergency c-section because i was severely hypertensive. My daughter was born at 7.5 Months and we both had to have a bit of a hospital stay ..... She actually did better than I did!
3.Time....My marriage just went to hell after her birth (now while I know this would not be the case again) While I have some wonderful memories for the first part because I got to be a stay at home mom. It then became a struggle, to be mom and dad and try to work and go to school and be a mom and raise a child pretty much on my own. AND it killed me to not be able to be there more for her like I was in the beginging. Honestly it still kills me I dont get to spend nearly as much time with my daughter as I would like to.
4. Finances .... how could i possible afford another?
My current husband is AMAZING to me and my daughter...in her eyes that is just as much her daddy.... He has really stepped up the roll of dad which is something her real dad only seems to want to be a handful of days each year ( he could get her 3 days a week but only averages about 2 days a month when she calls him) Anyways....
Honestly being with him for the first time has made me consider wanting to have a child with him. There is a huge part of me that wants to give him a baby or his own. My Husband loves kids, he always has and he has always wanted children. We talk about the idea alot and he brings up the lets have a baby thing alot. He would be 120% happy with the idea. He also says sometimes though that he is happy with the family we have and he doesnt care either way if we were to have another one.
My daughter has begged for a little sister (just a girl if its a boy "we can send it back" ) for over a year now. In fact she prays for it everynight. It makes me sad sometimes to hear her pray for a little sister so she doesnt have to be alone.
My in laws want a grandchild of their own.
and then there is ME.....
Sometimes I really think I would like to have a baby with my husband But Honestly the idea scares me so much that I change my mind... because Honestly I dont know if "I" want to have a baby or if "I want to have a baby to make everyone else happy"
This is something that has been crossing my mind ALOT lately & odviously my husbands too. He asked me the other day if we could start trying in 3 months. ( 3 months being bc I have already paid for 3 months of my nuva ring and he wants to as he says "put it in gods hands after that")
I feel like if I was going to have a baby we need to bc of age start trying now.... I am only a couple years away from 30 and my husband is already 31... and I know i definately dont want to be like my parents and have a baby late in life like they had me not only bc of medical reasons but bc I dont want to have to worry as much about not seeing my kids grown or my kids wondering If I will get to see my grandchildren or great grandchildren. ( Me under 30 yrs old I worry alot about how much longer my parents will be around because They are soon turning 70.
I also worry about that age gap between a new child( there would already be 9 years) and my daughter that caused me and my siblings to never be close.
I worry about my daughter not adjusting well or feeling left out or like an odd ball because my husband is not really her daddy. ( my daughter already suffers with this sometimes because her last name is different, even to the point she begged her real dad to let him adopt her after we explained to her that she couldnt have his lastnight) And I fear sometimes what if she feels upset that her sibling has both parents and yet her real dad barely ever wants to see her.)
I also worry sometimes .... what if my husband resents me later in life if I do not give him a child of his own.
I know it sounds horrible but i worry sometimes What if something was wrong with the new baby? Could I handle that? Could our family Handle that? could our family withstand that?
I then worry what if I do give him a child of his own and his realtionship with my daughter changes? What if he no longer loves her the same or treats her the same.
I worry what if I dont love the second kid the same way ? Or bond as well with it? My daughter has been a great kid ... honestly I have no idea how i got such and awesome well behaved loving sweet kid... What if the second one is the total opposite? ( what if it is just like all these kids I cant stand to be around)
I worry (which I worry about this all the times anyways and this is something we are currently working on trying to see what can be done about this) But I worry about what if something happens to me .. what if I die... even though it is in my will that I wish my daughter to remain with her step dad ... her real dad still has custody as well. If by some chance her dad got her ... not only would be be split up from what has been the biggest & most of the time only"father figure" in her life but she would also be split up from her sibling.
Now I know most of these are issues that may or may not happen and soem of them would be temp & some of them would be adjustments
Here is the 3 biggest concerns I give my husband
1Time... I am a hairdresser that works (38+hrs a week.. not to mention the 1.5hr I spend traveling back and forth from work everyday and the other 45 mins it takes me to get ready for work) It is almost a daily basis that I have to work over or go in early... Not to mention that I work a variety of shifts each varying from day to day week to week... it is not uncommon for me to be at work up until 930 at night. I secretly cry sometimes (ok alot) because I have to work so much. I hate it. I hate not being able to have dinner with my daughter and my husband. I hate missing bath time... story time.. bedtime. ( when school is in and I have to work nights I dont get to see her except in the morning bc I leave for work b4 she comes home and she is in bed before i get home at night.) Sometimes I feel like I have missed so much of her growing up and it kills me. I try my best to make as much quality time for me and her but sometimes It is hard because I am so tired and just want to rest and I really push myself to do it. Then of course I want to have my time with my husband too. I dont want her to grow up to feel like I did having parents that are never have and never have time. I have trouble balancing my time and feel like I dont get enough quality time as a family and definately not as mother daughter, husband and wife ..... and time to myself has come to the ride home in the car. HOW COULD I POSSIBLE MANAGE TO SPREAD MY TIME OUT TO HAVE QUALITY TIME WITH YET ANOTHER PERSON! It is hard enough on me emotionally that I have one kid that I feel like i barely get to see .... why have another one? If I could stay at home & just work on the side which i would LOVE to do ... I think i would be more on board with having a baby....which brings us to the next problem......
2. Money...I would want to stay home at least 3 years.... but no way could we afford that.. like i said I am a hairdresser my husband is a paid firefighter ... which means (whiile we both love what we do) we are poor! We do good to bring in together and income of $80,000 a year (that would be counting my tips) now for our area is actually not tooo bad we actually make more than the average income for a family of 3. We spend our money wisely have nice things and dont want for much (within reason we buy whatever we want) We have a very small amount in savings around $8k (we NEVER TOUCH THAT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EVER!) Other than that we always have a few hundred here and there and me more so than my husband. My husband pays pretty much all of our bills (house all utilities, insurance, medical, 2 car payments, 2 credit cards.. puts away a very small amount each paycheck toward our vacation fund and then uses the rest to save or spend on whatever he wants... he sometimes allows himself to get down to less than $100 in his bank account! I HATE WHEN HE DOES THIS) OH BTW we have seperate accounts bc of this ... and honestly we are ok with it though.
My pay checks currently pay (1 car payement, we are making double payments on my car, gas for both of our vehicles, groceries, all unexpected expenses, I pay for everything for my daughter (her dad is always way behind on child support) I put 100 each month in her savings account. It also pays for any other misc needs and wants and all of our entertainment, clothing etc. I never let my account get less than $200 in it and I always stash away some here and there for things i wanna save for or just bc and I have another saving account of my own that I have a few hundred in.
Now all this being said ... even though i said we live pretty comfortably ... I worry about it all! We dont save as much as I would like and Because I know that if something happened and my husband couldnt work... I could not support our family.
Now could we make sacrifices and lifestyle changes yes we could.. do i think any of us would be happy changing our lifestyle... no and even my husband has expressed that.
3. Sitter? I struggle to find someone to watch my daughter when me and my husband both work...over the summer or when she is out of school and afterschool. Everyone works just like us... If its hard to find someone to watch 1 child... its gonna be even harder to find someone to watch 2. And with the outrageous cost of child care could we afford to hire someone? NO i doubt it! Would I worry myself to death over a stranger watching my child exp at such a young age as they cant express whats going on YES i would.
So I think that about says it all.... And yes I have expressed pretty much all of these concerns to my husband and he just seems to live in a dream world where he thinks It will all be fine.... It will all work out just fine... It just makes me mad because I ask.. how? what will we do to solve the problems? He says you just wont work as much.... I asked him if he planned to get a second job to pick up the missing income he said no??? (which btw would be easy for him to do bc he goes to work 10 days a month
So here i sit everyday these thoughts go through my head... I think and I pray and I cry alot and I am still left so confused... I just honestly dont know what to do or what i really want. I dont want to look back and feel like i made a mistake either way but I dunno what will be better for me