How To Enjoy Romance?

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@PositiveThinking:  Hi there.. for what it’s worth, you sound like me. I’m not particularly romantic although I don’t have the same desire for rough sex, I definitely would get annoyed at someone doing those same “cheesy” things with me.

I think you’re going to need to meet each other halfway. Maybe you can’t be staring into his eyes, but maybe try to be a bit more accepting of some of the other things he’s doing. Try not to focus on what he’s doing, but try to think about why he’s doing it (ie. he loves you so much and he’s showing you how much he cares). On the flip side, he has to meet you halfway with the things you enjoy as well. Maybe you can rotate – one night for him, one night for you?

I don’t know about your history or your past, and only you can determine if you need to seek help, but you don’t sound broken to me. Good luck. OP.

Post # 4
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@PositiveThinking:  Hmmm. To me it sounds like you are scared. Probably because of your past. I can kind of relate but we’re all different. I was raped and had a really hard time letting FI in. Certain things were off limits and for a long time I felt like I couldn’t fall asleep next to him if we had been intimate.Things have changed now… I’ve never been so connected to someone intimately and I’ve never trusted someone with my body so much.

I agree with PP, try to meet in the middle. When he dips you, try not to feel a negative feeling or have a negative thought, like “this is so cheesy.” Just smile, or laugh, and let him do it. He’s not being fake. He’s being romantic because he loves you. I think you think it’s fake and out of a romance novel because you aren’t used to it. Let yourself get used to it with him. Look him in the eye when you make love…you don’t have to stare, but give him that eye contact.

It’s going to be really hard to open up to him but in the long run it will be worth it..

Post # 5
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@PositiveThinking:  You’re not broken.  I personally think romance is for women who read Twilight and 50 Shade of Gray.  I just can’t deal with over-the-top corniness because it feels so fake.  The phrase “passionate kisses” makes me dry heave (and by the way there’s a song called passionate kisses–I thought I was having a waking nightmare when I first heard it).

Like you, I have a FI that is all about romance. Your SO is probably overcompensating with the eye staring & the dipping hoping that the more romantic he is, something will finally click & win you over. 

I disagree with the PP about meeting halfway because really there is no realistic halfway for someone who thinks it’s incredibly corny & someone who embraces it wholeheartedly.  It’s still going to be too over the top for you.  My advice (and what I’ve done) is to come clean with your SO in the nicest terms possible. Don’t blame him (and don’t blame yourself), but be honest.   Then tell him that you’re going to try to be more romantic, but your version of it. 

And then take little steps to sometimes be a more romantic version of *you*.  That doesn’t mean dipping people, eye contact & sex in front of a fireplace on a bearskin rug. It just means finding something that makes you comfortable. Something like maybe asking him to take a walk & hold hands. Or getting dressed up for a nice dinner? Or bringing home a bottle of wine & cooking dinner together.  My FI will tease me now and say, “Careful there, bags, that’s verging on romantic.” if I suggestion something like that.

If you’re honest with him, and you make an effort to just be a bit more romantic, he’s going to appreciate that a lot more than you pretending to like dipping & all that romantic crap.

Post # 6
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

For the record, I’m the guy and he’s the girl, stereotype wise anyway, when it comes to sex.  I’d be perfectly happy with ~5 minutes from clothed to orgasm.  Him… he NEEDS the “stuff”, the romance… it’s not feigned, I can see it in his eyes and feel it. Quicky to him is half an hour from clothed to orgasm.

Me pssh… insert, thrusts, orgasm… yipppeee!  Him… there’s all this STUFF he needs… lol.

But it’s not really funny.  He NEEDS it, it’s part of him.  I can see it, I can feel it, he NEEDS this stuff.  It doesn’t hurt me, even if I don’t “swoon” over it or even really “get it”.  But I can recognise and enjoy that it makes his moment/time/experience!  I get that he needs it and that it’s important to him.  And it doesn’t hurt me at all.  Think of how many men are 5 minute wonders and their women partners wished they did all the romantic stuff… this is just reverse.  And they do it, manage to make it work.  Really, it’s easier for the person who doesn’t need all the trappings to get them, than the other way around!

If we did it “my way”… he’d feel like things weren’t right, like he was missing something… so we do it his way.  Not cause I “give in”, we never discussed “how” we do it… even though I’ll admit at times I think it’s damn corny and a waste of time … but he needs that romance, that closeness surrounding sex.  Just because I don’t personally care I won’t deprive him, it doesn’t hurt me any to let him have it… and it would hurt him not to have it.  And we know it, even joke about it at times… that the sexual roles are reversed.

I’ve been abused as a child, and I know how hard it can be to seperate what was “caused” by abuse and what is just me.  And I had some pretty rough years, for a long time.  At 37, I know it’s just me… I love closeness, cuddling, random kisses, gropes, etc at all times… in bed… while I like all the romance once in a while… a as a basic rule I could care less, orgasm please… I’ll help!  Years before I met DH I was with a guy who told me “I never laughed during sex before”… I’m like “how the H*ll not?”… sex is funny, noises, people fall off beds, parts get alll akimbo, things don’t work right (legs, arms, pillows, bedding, furniture, private parts, etc), how do you not laugh and enjoy each other?… that’s when I knew I was well healed from abuse. 

The basis of sex should be enjoying each other however you do it… if you know he needs the romance even though you don’t… if it doesn’t hurt you, and you know it’s a sincere part of him… why not?  Sometimes I miss random 5 minute sex… but not enough to give him up for it.

The question is if you step outside yourself and your past, is his behavior HIM or is it contrived?  I honestly think a lot of guys do these things because they really want to, because it makes THEM feel closer and they want to make you feel good.  Really talk to him.  You can work out what you both really need, and what you are both willing to do/have done. 

If you need to work through some things with a therapist more power to you.  I didn’t, and I’m sure it took me longer to work it all out than if I had.

ETA: No matter what: YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!!!

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