How to ethically adopt a child?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I was adopted. My parents adopted me through an agency that worked locally and nationally, not internationally. I am thankful to have been raised by such a loving, patient, nurturing, and sometimes quirky family.

I’m curious. What is your trepidation about adopting a child through an agency that is based in the States? Sadly, there are many unwanted babies and children in this very country in need of loving, capable families. (I’m assuming you live in the States because you mentioned America.)

Post # 4
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

The best advice I can give is picking a reliable adoption agency. I strongly believe that no one 100% wants to give up thier child for adoption. However I do believe that most do give them up for adoption because they feel its the best thing for them. I have 2 brothers and 6 cousins all through international adoption.  i do know alot of adoption agency’s will give some information on why the child is up for adoption (ie unwed mother or death of the parents). When you find an agency to use I suggest you express your concers they certainly have more information to put your mind at easE! best of luck!

Post # 5
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

One thing that a lot of people who choose to adopt internationally also forget about is loss of cultural identity. There has been a lot of research into why taking a child from one country/cutlure and bringing them up in another can be very unfair to the child and their sense of self/identity.

Unfortunately the overseas adoption industry can be very dirty. Even the so called reputable organisations can be involved in unscrupulous practices usually by ignoring practices of other organisations that refer children or perspective parents to them.

Why not adopt from within your own country?

 

 

Post # 6
Member
5543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Domestic adoption! Depending on where you are you can go through CPS (usually not a newborn then)- or any number of ethical domestic adoption agencies. While I think international adoption has it’s place there are certainly also many many children who need families in your state or whatever.

Post # 7
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

If my husband and I have children we will likely adopt. Possibly even an older child. We will look in our own country first (America). I have a friend who adopted three children through his local county.

My cousin was adopted from China. Her parents made sure to have her involved in things that involved her native culture. I don’t think her being adopted by American parents was in any way unfair to her. Children just need a stable home where they are loved and cared for, with access to a good education.

Post # 8
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@IncognitoBeeeeeeeeee:  My fh wants to adopt as well, its something they do alot in his family his sister has his mother did its very important to him. 

 

I would suggest, looking into what ever company or group you get an adoption form. Also try and sourse out family information. I mean the main thing is that a child goes to a good home. Not to say an uncle or a grandmother wouldn’t be a good (but grandparents don’t live as long) 

so in that kinda case maybe do visits back to teach the child about there roots I believe in that anyways if someone adopts a child they should go visit assuming its safe to do so 

 

Also don’t think of the fad thing the main reason I hear ppl adopte form other places is b.c. its very hard to adopt in the north america it’s a sad fact thats why my fh sister adopted form russia 

 

so i just suggest really diving into finding all the info about who is connecting you with that child and aobut where thy come form … b.c. chances are ther ewould be some records of what happened to family memebers be sure you know b,c, say they are all gone wel one day taking the child home to visit the people who created it brought it into the worlds grave might be important … meeting uncles or aunts or grandparents or cousins could be wounderful for a child

 

Just do your homework or maybe hire someone to do background checks for all of it 

Post # 9
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@iloverocks:  Google the stolen generation in Australia and have a read about what can and did happen to children taken out of their culture and put into “white western society”. Google the documentary Our Generation and hear the real life stories of people affected by this. This happened to my great grandmother, my grandmother and countless other family members so I am not talking out of my arse. It is a slightly different scenario but the principles are the same. Children being “saved” and taken from their home and culture and having a sense of loss around who they are.

The same thing happened in the United States and the same sense of loss of cultural identity is currently being researched about intercountry adoption. The long term effects can be severe emotional and mental health issues.

If people had the concerns of these children as the reason to adopt from another country I would agrue that wouldn’t it be better to invest in these countries and make them better places so parents do not have to sell adandon their children and encourage families within that country to adopt or foster children that are truly without family/parents.

Post # 10
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

I second that! It is extremely hard to adopt in the us!  Alot of people don’t understand that and have given my family grief over the fact that we adopted outside of the country.  I also agree with keeping their culture alive. We have taken my brothers back to where they were born on a great tour group made for adoptees working with the adoption agency from thier home country. Quiet frankly I love my brothers culture! It was great growing up learning about it with them. And I personally have plans to adopt from the same country my brothers are from.  After what I’ve grown up with, was taught, and the research I have done as an adult. I believe it’s the right thing. Though I’m in no possition to adopt right now I do help support the foster homes and orphanages in my brothers home countries

Post # 11
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

@j_jaye:  It really does all depend on the parents. A child can be traumatized in many different settings. For instance, by their own biological parents. I think those who give their children up for adoption do so for a good reason. My younger cousin is not traumatized. She is a good kid, and well adjusted. Has a good head on her shoulders. Her parents made an effort to educate and immerse her in different aspects of her native culture. Additionally, I have a friend who has three children from America whom are all a different nationality to him. His kids are all Asian, and he a Caucasian. Before he adopted the twins (now both in college) the bio-grandparents asked about how he would raise them according to their Asian culture. He was upfront and told them he didn’t know anything about that, but would raise them as his own. His kids are not traumatized by it.

People migrate. It happens. I am not traumatized because I don’t know all about my lineage. Am I curious? Sure. I’d love to see where my roots originated from. I’m sure most people feel that way. But traumatized? No.

One thing I would like to mention is that I was forced to live in a foreign country as a teenager, and was not in the custoty of my parents for 2 years of my life. Had I been in a loving situation at the time, it would not of been an issue for me.

Kids are very adaptable. More than most people give them credit for. The majority of people adopting are doing so because they 1. want children, and 2. are in a good place to do so.

I would also like to mention that adopting in the USA is easier if you open your heart to older children. Yes, there can be some behavior and emotional issues. But I firmly believe that a majority of these kids just need some stability, someone with patience, proper resources, someone who isn’t going to harm them or give up on them, someone to love them and care about them. I think too many kids get lost in the system because everyone thinks they are too much work, and they would rather have an infant/toddler. It isn’t as competitive to adopt older children, and they need families just as much as the younger ones.  

Post # 12
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@iloverocks:  But it is also an ethical thing. Is it ethically right to remove a child from it’s homeland and culture just because YOU want a child and it is easier to get one from overseas.

I think people who have never experienced loss of culture due to being removed from it by force can never understand how someone who has had it happens feels.

It is not comparable to migration/immigration which is a choice or not knowing your culture (again a choice) after 2/4/6 generations of immigration to a new country. It is a bit offensive that you would suggets that it is comparable.

This is about choice and not giving the child the chance to grow up in its homeland and culture because you (a foreigner) decide you want them.

And your agruement is based on children not having suitable homes (by your standards) but unfortunately child adoption is big business and parents give up children (from a loving and stable home) in order to recieve money. Wouldn’t it be better to give money in the form of aide for food, agriculture, job creation and education?

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

@j_jaye:  I did experience loss of culture by no choice of my own as a child. If I had been in a loving home while that occurred I would of been fine.

I’m not sure what you think my ‘standards’ are. I think there are lots of different ways to live. I do think though, that anyone who thinks it is a better idea to give their child up for adoption into a loving home, for whatever reason, should absolutely do so. I say this coming from personal experience. My parents should never of been responsible for raising a child.

Post # 14
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@j_jaye:  I think there are a lot of gray areas here, but this is rather simplistic. Children are not removed from their home countries SOLELY because some white people want them. One of the biggest sources of adoption, China, has a real stigma against adoption.  There are SO many unwanted children there, and very few people willing to adopt them. This is very much true of girls, even MORE true of disabled people, and at this point in time, giving the parents aid in terms of food or shelter would not help when these parents would rather have a healthy boy. All of this is obviously fueled by cultural reasons as well as very strict political policies. Yet in the end, like others said above, a loving home trumps being in a certain cultural environment, to me.

Cultural misplacement is a very real phenomena, but I think its important to balance the ethics here. I spend a lot of time in China, and quite honestly, I think the children I see adopted in the US, especially girls, especially children who have some sort of disability or defect (most commonly harelips), are being given far more opportunities to be great.

Obviously there is abuse, obviously there are problems to be aware of. But I would in no way agree that keeping children in their home cultures for the SOLE reason of them being born in that culture, regardless of the conditions from whence they came, is the morally superior choice here. 

To the OP, I do know there are pretty stringent regulations on adoption agencies that adopt to parents in the US, namely that any orphanage has to spend at least 1 year looking for the parents of abandoned children. I would try and meet with and talk with others who have used a certain agency. If China interests you, I can probably put you into contact with a person I know who has adopted, but keep in mind, the waiting period for a child with some sort of defect is 2-3 years, for a healthy child is up to 10. 

Post # 15
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@iloverocks:  Your experience as a teenager (who can choose to still practice their culture whereever they are and still self identify with that culture) is very different to a baby having no choice at all.

I think you are missing the main point that a lot of these babies are given up for financial gain and via manipulation (from brokers and soemtimes adoption agencies) and not because they cannot look after their child and give it a stabe home. The money offered to parents (much the same way as the sex trade works in SE Asia where daughters are sold) is more than they can hope to earn and they give up a baby to better the lives of the other children. That does not mean that if they kept the baby that it’s life would have been so bad, it just wouldn’t be to the standards of a western culture. It is a form of economic manipulation and people who choose intercountry adoption can be contributing to this.

Post # 16
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

@j_jaye:  I had absolutely no choice in practicing my culture, just so you know. My point of view comes from that experience.

I would never, ever sell a child. Ever. As long as I could give that child a good life I would never give up a child. If a person does, it is out of necessity. Try and understand that.

What matters the most is these children go to loving homes, to people who want to raise them with care. Life happens. It isn’t perfect. Everyone has their own trials and tribulations. It is part of what makes people who they are.

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors