Post # 1
I won’t post the whole story, as I’ve done that before, but due to my brother’s appallingly hurtful and rude behavior, he has not received a STD card from me, and I don’t plan on sending an invitation to my wedding. I could send him an invitation to be the bigger person, but it really would make me unhappy to have two people at my wedding who loathe me so much. Unless he does a total 180, he isn’t getting invited, and so far I see no sign of regret on his part. (In a nutshell, my brother uninvited me to my niece’s first birthday party and use some pretty lame excuses as to why– basically he doesn’t like me, or his wife doesn’t and he’s acting like the puppet)
I’m just fast forwarding to July of 2015, and I can imagine the shock my extended family will have when they don’t see him or his 3 kids there. How would you address this with family? Would you ask your parents to maybe prime the family and just say “I won’t go into detail, but C isn’t getting invited to D’s wedding because of some hurtful things he’s done.”) over the phone? Or would you not address it at all?
I’m bound to have family ask if there’s no explanation. I would probably respond with something like “C and I haven’t really spoken much in the last year, and we couldn’t come to any kind of resolution before the wedding.” How would you react?
Post # 2
futuremrschristensen: I think that’s wayyyy too personal to share with everyone. Theyll know the relationship is awry, you don’t need to explain.
“Oh where is your brother?”
“he won’t be coming. We’re so glad you’re here though, isn’t the weather just lovely!?”
and if they are clueless and push it, just end the convo:
“but I don’t get why he’s not here”
“it’s a shame, isn’t it? Excuse me I have to say hello to aunty x, have fun!!”
Post # 3
I wouldn’t explain any more than “He won’t be joining us” or “He’a not able to make it.” Don’t go into detail on him being hurtful because that will just lead to more questions about what he did and then a whole ‘nother can of worms is open.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
MrsBuesleBee: welcome to the bean dip!
futuremrschristensen: It’s no one’s business why he’s not there. If they ask, it’s simple – he isn’t coming. Have you tried the bean dip? You’ve answered there question and moved on to something else. Hopefully they will get the hint that it’s not up for discussion and as MrsBuesleBee has indicated, just keep bean dipping!
Post # 5
Do not give anyone an explanation. If someone asks, deflect, deflect, deflect. “Not able to make it. What do you think of the dj? I love this song!”. If they really push for info – nosy aunts and te like- just say something like “It’s complicated. Let’s focus on tonight! Want to grab a drink?”
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I really hope that in a year your brother may have moved past this. I just posted in the other thread and I think you should invite him. When the time comes he may not attend, but that’s on him.
Post # 7
Saying, “He isn’t coming,” makes it sound like he, personally, chose not to come. Even if he should not be invited because of egregious behavior, that is unfair to him. I’ve seen people get angry at others for “not going to So-and-so’s wedding,” when that option was never even available, and the invited family dishonestly pretended the uninvited guests just didn’t care enough to show up. Some of the guests were offended on behalf of the bride and took it on themselves to punish/shun the guests who didn’t “show up.” This dishonesty then caused another round of hurt and angry feelings because of the lying and unfair blaming. If they had just said, “We didn’t invite xyz, please mind your own business as to why,” it would have caused fewer problems down the road. It’s easier to forgive someone for not inviting you to something in the midst of a family quarrel than it is to forgive dishonesty and unfair blame that trickles out years later.
I say invite him and then see if he bothers showing up; in that case, it’s his own fault. Maybe by your wedding, you and he will both be over whatever led him to reject you from his 1 year-old’s birthday party. To inquiring guests, I would say, “Please just focus on the guests who are here.” If you don’t want to hear about it on the wedding day, then maybe a heads up to the more oblivious relatives (who might decide to make your wedding about your brother) is a smart idea as in, “Bride isn’t inviting Bro; please don’t mention it at the wedding or bother either of them about it.” There’s no way you’ll be seen as a wonderful person for not inviting your brother to your wedding, so either deal with it now, deal with it later in a much nastier way, or just go ahead and mail that invitation. If your wedding party is big enough, you won’t even have to interact with him much.
Post # 8
I would just say “He couldn’t be a part of the celebration today.” and leave it at that.
Post # 9
Well considering it’s a year away and you will (hopefully) change your mind and invite him anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but…
I also wouldn’t involve your parents by having them “warn” people. That’s not their job. If you make the decision not to invite him, then own your choice. I also agree with PP that it isn’t fair to make it seem that he was invited and chose not to attend. You don’t need to rehash everything to everyone, but just simply say he wasn’t invited.
Post # 10
Honestly, it’s none of their business if your brother isn’t attending. That’s between you and him. I would just say he will not be coming and leave it at that. I had the exact same thing and did not invite my brother to my wedding due to his behavior (and that of his wife) resulting from the actions of their wedding and afterwards.
My in-laws have pressed me more than a few times as to why he was not invited and I’m not about to explain it to them. I just say he will not be coming, in a firm voice, and leave it at that.
Post # 11
I agree with the PPs. I also hope that your extended family has enough tact to not ask YOU personally on your wedding day, and perhaps just ask amongst other family.
Post # 12
You’re getting married July 2015. See how things go with your brother and worry about this issue next May.
Post # 13
futuremrschristensen: Maybe it would just be easier to invite him. You’ll be too busy to even notice him anyhow.
Post # 14
canadajane: I agree, take some time and see… my EX’s brother wasn’t invited to the wedding (not our choice) and no one mentioned it… not to us anyway. So maybe they might ask someone else to get the details but I doubt anyone would ask the bride on her special day!
Post # 15
Unless you really want to explain all the drama between you and youyr brother and his wife, I would stay away from mentioning it beforehand. It isn’t anybody else’s business what has happened. Hopefully you both will come to a resolution before then, but if not, I like MrsBuesleBee’s suggestion.