How to explain to my mother?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

I have no advice, really, except to be firm. “Mom, this is what we want, so this is how it’s going to be. I love you, and I value your opinion, but this is what Ryan and I have decided is best for us.”

I do empathize with you. My mother got married in 1984, and her dry church reception featured finger foods and cake, and no centerpieces… Yeah, that won’t work for us, Mom! 

Post # 4
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

My dad is acting the same way. I keep trying to tell him I’m doing things as simple as possible, but this is what weddings cost! I can’t change the price of things. I had to flat out tell my dad and stepmom that FI and I have been together a very long time, we’ve worked up to this point, and we deserve what we want. They agreed and are helping to make that happen as much as they can. It is extremely frustrating to have your parent compare your wedding to their wedding decades ago (especially when you’re the only daughter, i am too). You still have a little while for her to chill & get used to how the wedding will be, and I would bet she’ll really enjoy the day when it gets here.

As for the alcohol, give her a list of nearby bars she & your grandma can have an afterparty at lol

Post # 7
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Lizzy723:  Okay so I may be a little freaked out right now. hahaha We have the same wedding date, same name (if lizzy is your real name), and my parents were also married in 1991. My FI family is 60 people on our list and my parenst wedding was my dads third and my moms first and very small. My dad is actually the one who compares cost all of the time. “We paid $200 for a photographer in 1991!), Why do you need this or that we didnt do that!” He isn’t paying so what I just do is say, “Well this is our wedding and our money so I think we will do it the way we want to but I know your gonna enjoy it!” I also keep him in the loop about the one thing that will make him happy – THE FOOD hahahaha By not telling him details he will whine about and letting him in on stuff he likes he has been much easier to deal with. 

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Just ignore it.

My father went to the restaurant’s main bar and opened a tab because he was HORRIFIED that we “only had all-you-can-drink Mimosas” at our LUNCHEON wedding.

Then he told all the guests about it during the cocktail hour… Depite that we specifically requested that the bar NOT be open during our reception. That was fun.

Just say “Mom, his family is like 70 people. We can’t go smaller, and we don’t want to. We love the wedding we’re planning. If you need a flask to have fun, I guess that’s fine.”

Post # 11
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you should stop talking to your mom about your wedding if she’s going to make disparaging remarks.

And if she wants to bring a flask, maybe you can remind her of how disrespectful it is to ignore the bride’s (her daughter’s!) wishes. Just for one day – I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

You need to be more firm with her and really… stop mentioning wedding details to her.

 

Post # 12
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Lizzy723:  Oops! When I said “flask”, I meant hidden drinking (like car drinking or bathroom drinking or classy drinking like that!). But as my family proved, they’re all going to do whatever they want, anyway!

Post # 13
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

1) The booze thing, it’s annoying that she’s making comments about it. Honestly, odds are you would never notice anyway though since you’ll be busying with a 1000 other things at the wedding. I’d just let it go.

2) “Pairing it down” – are you paying for it are they? If they’re footing the bill, I think they get to decide how much they can afford. (I also believe if they’re paying for it, you’d at least owe her a conversation on alcohol rather than order.) If you’re paying for your own wedding, she needs to politely smile and STFU. 

 

Post # 16
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Lizzy723:  I see, OK. Sorry about that!
If your mom wants to pare down on costs though, I don’t see why she can’t, since they’re paying. :  I don’t mean cut things out, but maybe find alternate options?
It should be a goal to not be a burden on their finances.

About the alcohol: I would try and make a comprimise.
Can your mom not drink for the wedding & reception itself, and hold an afterparty somewhere else? FI’s family can skip out (read: not be invited, sorry guys there’s booze here!) and your parents can party and drink to their hearts content.
You and FI can make a surprise appearance to be congratulated and whatnot, and then pop off into the night (because the bride and groom are not expected to stay at the afterparty)

P.S. My mom compares her wedding to mine occasionally. I think she’s just reminising (though her marriage ended poorly, she had a wonderful time at her wedding and wants me to have a good time, too).

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