How to explain to someone they will Not be in the bridal party

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What to Do ?
    Put her in the wedding : (3 votes)
    7 %
    Don't say anything : (29 votes)
    67 %
    Tell her the truth about why she isn't going to be included : (10 votes)
    23 %
    Comment on your helpful advice : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2364 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    amy.millerful:  I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell her she’s not in it, but you should somehow work it into conversation so she’ll get the hint.  Hey, maybe she’ll be relieved!!  

    That really sucks.  She shouldn’t be there if you don’t want her to be.  My best friend was obligated to have 7 bridesmaids, all family she just felt she HAD to put in, and said she wished it could have just been me and a couple friends. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    202 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I don’t think you need to go out of your way to tell her, but you need to be honest with her if she starts talking about how great it will be to be in the wedding or anything like that. At that point not being honest is going to make it hurt and embarass her more when she finds out she isn’t actually in it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1499 posts
    Bumble bee

    Don’t say anything to her about not being picked. It will eventually come up, she may ask directly etc. but stick to your guns. If she is bold to ask why she wasn’t included, you can be honest (with some tact).

    Post # 6
    Member
    2895 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I wouldn’t explain my decision to her, but if she is hinting has heavily as it sounds like she is that she expects to be included, I would nip it in the bud sooner rather than later. It will give more time for the dust to settle prior to your wedding.

    Post # 7
    Member
    5017 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    amy.millerful:  I wouldnt say anything to her. She should get the point. If she is rude enough to ask, I would simply say you chose your two closest friends/and sister. If you and FI have an equal number, you could also use this (saying you wanted the sides to be even!).

    Post # 8
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee

    I dont think anything needs to be said. You didnt ask her, she isnt in. thats it. If she ask’s you why, keep it nice and clean!

    Post # 9
    Member
    1110 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    Honestly, if she acts like an ass I would be honest and tell her she isn’t in the bridal party because you didn’t feel she would be an active and caring participant in everything that the bridal party will be doing.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    When the topic of BMs come up let her know the people you picked. Don’t be apoligetic about your decision-own it and then move on to something else where her thougts or opinions on the subject are welcomed. 

    You ddon’t need to tell her she was a bad BM at your cousin’s wedding. At the end of the day all you have to do as a BM is show up and walk down an aisle and stand during the ceremony. Sounds like she did the minimum. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1298 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    How many groomsmen are going to be on your FI side? Does it work out to even numbers if she is not included? Maybe that can be your excuse. Have her do something else like give a reading during the ceremony so family can’t say she wasn’t in the wedding. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3206 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I asked the same question a couple of months ago regarding one of my friends. We had been drifting apart for a few years, but after her wedding last November it became abundantly clear that we simply weren’t as close anymore. However, I agonized over whether or not I should speak to her and let her know in person she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid. The overhwelming response on the Bee was not to tell her and that she’d “get the hint.” We are both bridesmaids in a mutual friend’s wedding and, after the topic of MY wedding came up, I could tell she started to get very uncomfortable and hurt when I started discussing it, and after our friend started talking about bridesmaids dresses, she actually got up and excused herself from the conversation. I definitely felt terrible and I agonized over it so much because I never wanted it to seem like I was throwing it in her face.

    In retrospect, I actually wish I had taken the time to talk to her before I asked the rest of the girls and sent them their handwritten cards asking them to be in my bridal party. I could have explained my reasons and then maybe it wouldn’t feel as if I was purposely excluding her. I won’t speak about my wedding in front of her anymore because I feel very awkward and I think a big part of that could have been removed if I had at least talked to her prior to asking the rest of my girls. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Not saying this is the right thing to do.. but what I did was just put a post on facebook so that my cousin would see that she wasn’t a bridesmaid. I was her MOH but she was in such an awful mood on her wedding day that I knew I didn’t want to spend my wedding day next to her. She at one point told me that “it’s her day and she can freak out if she wants to” after I tried to nicely calm her down. I really didn’t know what to do but I knew that I didn’t want her to go on thinking that she was a bridesmaid. So I made gifts for each of my bridesmaids and put photos of them on facebook. GoodLuck!

    Post # 14
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee

    I was excluded from my cousins wedding for a very similar reason. She is very particular about how she wants things done and she felt like I wasn’t excited enough about her wedding. I know she was hurt and tried to talk to me about it a few times but to be honest, I was completely relieved. We are just so different. I don’t know how in the world we were raised side by side by siblings that were raised side by side. We were close when I was a kid totally. When her brother came out her response made me realize that not only were we no longer close but that I barely knew her. I’m pretty liberal and I’m oKay with people that are not. I totally understand we all have different opinions. For some reason her rejecting of a member of her immediate family made me realize that yes, she is a selfish person. Yes, all those things that have bothered me over the years are not just bothering me. There’s something wrong with her that I can’t pin point but makes me unable to spend too much time with her. Now that I have a baby I know there’s no way I can spend anymore time listening to her make racist comments or call people fags. A huge one is the way she talks about money. She’s commented on people having no taste due to where they come from and all this other stuff that I just don’t remember hewrong from her parents. Maybe my dad asked them to censor themselves around me or maybe they just knew to do it but I can’t help but ask myself, where the hell did you learn to be this way? 

    Post # 15
    Member
    1729 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    A girl I was friends with in late high school/early college assumed that she would be in the wedding and about 6 weeks out, asked if I was ever going to tell her what color dress to buy and what style! I had chosen my two best friends (both friends since elementary school) as BM’s and sister as MOH. The other girl assumed that she would be included as well since “you chose all the girls who are like your sisters and I’m like your sister too!”.  I simply told her that I wanted a small bridal party and that we wanted equal sides, I was limited to 3 girls since DH had 3 GM.  She eventually understood and still attended as a guest. 

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