Post # 1
I will start by saying I am not yet engaged but I have no interest in legally changing my name when I get married. I am okay with going by his last name socially but professionally and legally I do not want to change it (for a number of logical reasons). Furthermore, if we ever to have children, they would also go by his name and we would be referred to as the “So-and-so family”.
I recently casually brought up the topic about not changing my name. We were at the movie rental store and he had a late fee on his account so we used mine. I said “see…another reason to not change my name if we ever got married!” He about lost it. He said “You better tell me now if that’s what you are going to pull, because I will seriously not ask you” I said: “Ok, we can discuss this topic later” He said “There is nothing more to discuss”. I seem to have struck a cord on this hot topic. Both of his sisters kept their names (well, one hyphenated) so I don’t know what the big issue is! He is pretty traditional but, GEEZ dude lighten up! This seems to be a deal breaker for some men, I just didn’t know it was such a huge deal for him!
Did anyone encounter this same issue? Solutions?
Post # 3
I told my FI up front (WAAY before our engagement) that i intened to keep my last name, it still was what felt like war fare after the engagement when we talked about it… and i think he still secretly hopes that i will cave, but culturally it is not common for name changes for me, and it is something i hold dear. We had discussed both hyphenating our names, but he backed out of that… i would suggest treading lightly, for some guys it is a def. deal breaker due to nothing more than pride.
Post # 4
@vintagefair: Thanks for the advice! I will definitely have to tread carefully. I really don’t see the big issue if I go by his name socially but not legally. It just seems like more paperwork to me!
Post # 5
My FI is taking my name and we discussed it casually for years. I can’t tell you how offended I would be if my FI reacted like yours did. Like, dealbreaker offended.
Post # 6
@joya_aspera: That’s awesome! I love the idea of combining the 2 names into a whole new name. I know..the more I think about it the more I realize how friggen rude that is – this isn’t a dictatorship, I have a say in name/life/future!
Post # 7
In my husband’s culture, women keep their name after marriage. This is my second marriage and I decided to hyphenate. It’s a real pain to change one’s name. Also, I still have a difficult time saying my new name, in that I still think of myself as having my old name. I almost wish I’d just kept it and not done anything.
Post # 8
DH was very sore about it initially, but he mostly got over it. I had what I thought were very good reasons, both professional and otherwise, for not changing my name. And even he himself goes by another family name professionally.
I say if he won’t marry you because of your name, then there were far deeper issues in the relationship, making you far better off remaining unmarried.
Post # 9
My husband told me he would have been hurt and insulted if I didn’t take his name. Chances are, he wouldn’t have proposed if I had been seriously thinking about keeping my name.
Post # 10
When I first told FI (before we were engaged) that I was keeping my name he was extremely uspet. Did not go for the idea AT ALL. We had several conversations about it which included me telling him reasons that I wanted to keep my own name, and me reassuring him that it was nothing personal against him. He slowly started to come around, and is now totally fine with it! He thinks it’s silly that he made such a big deal out of it. It was important to me to tell him early though, and to be firm and say that my mind was made up. I would keep talking about it, little by little. Make sure you give him reasons, and just take it slow. Hopefully he will come around!
Post # 11
umm… you need to talk about it now. If he expects you to change it, and you surprise him after the wedding that you aren’t going to, then… there are going to be some problems…
And if for him that is a game-changer? Then so be it. I think it is better for that to be in the air now than to surprise him.
Post # 12
@Hyperventilate: I think the same for me. But I have serious issues taking his name. Like…I don’t want to be a MRS. It seems so…1950s to me.
So I am going to change it officially, and then never respond to Mrs. His Last Name, and use Ms. My Original Last Name at work.
Post # 13
@Lily_of_the_valley: Wowzers. I kept my name. To be honest, there was never even a real discussion about it, he sort of knew how I felt and we did broach the subject briefly and I said if he was REALLY concerned then I would consider hyphenating. He said it was my choice, so I chose to keep my name. If someone calls me Mrs. X socially then fine, I wouldn’t correct them but that’s the extent of it.
Honestly, I don’t think you can take his knee-jerk reaction as the whole story just yet. But it does warrent further serious conversation. In all seriousness, if a man said to me, “Take my name or I won’t marry you”, I’d say, “Good thing you haven’t asked then, isn’t it since my answer would be NO!” That kind of ultimatum wouldn’t sit well with me, not in these modern days. I get the arguements for taking and not taking a husband’s name and think it’s mostly a woman’s decision with partner input as well but as a secondary consideration.
Post # 14
@peachacid: I can understand why people don’t want to take their last name. I do not go by Mrs. <lastname>, everyone (Even the people on base) just call me Miss <lastname> or <Husband’s name>’s wife.
Changing my name formally wasn’t a big deal. Social Security took less than 30 minutes, I had my new card in four days. Changing my bank just took a trip down to the bank and I had my card two days later. I am not changing my license yet because I have a full fledged military ID with my new name on it for identification purposes. I will wait for my license to expire before I renew it, plus I need to apply for an Oklahoma license as mine is California. I do not have any “formal titles” that would’ve needed to be changed, so I know that is a factor for a lot of people, along with professional degrees and titles.
But, to each their own. As long as both people are okay with the idea, I don’t really see the harm in it. I originally wanted to hyphenate my last name, but my husband’s name is very long and it wouldn’t have flowed well.
I just opted to take his. It was easier, and it was pretty much the only demand he had — I can respect that.
Post # 15
@Hyperventilate: I will officially change my name, but I just…feel weird about being called Mrs ANYTHING. Part of the reason for this, though, is that as a teacher I am Ms. Acid. Like, that’s my NAME. So it’s almost like getting married would be like changing my FIRST name.
But yeah, it’s like his only demand as well, so I’m okay with changing it officially. Meh. I’m not 100% okay with it, but I’m willing.
Post # 16
“Take my name or I won’t marry you”, I’d say, “Good thing you haven’t asked then, isn’t it since my answer would be NO!”
That’s exactly it! I would never marry a guy with such a sexist attitude. It honestly enrages me that there are still men out there like this. It’s one thing for a guy to ask you nicely to take his name, but it’s a whole different story if he says he’d leave you if you didn’t. That’s so fucked up.