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I think that if you decided to forgive him...then that's it. If he is truley showing a change and hasnt gone back to his old ways then you have to really trust him, which I know sometimes is easier said then done. But if you chose to forgive him and be with him you have to compeltely trust him and put it in the past. If you can't get past that, and are always worried it won't work out. I think it will destroy your relationship.
Good luck hun!
all you can do is put those thoughts our of your mind when they crop up.
it sounds like he grew up and realized what was important. congrats! don't let anyone make you doubt your relationship.
T I M E... time and new memories will replace old doubts. Knowing what someone is capable of isn't a terrible thing in my opinion. Knowing how he was, could make you love him even more because his feelings for you slapped him in the head and woke his butt up. ;)
With time as long as your FI proves himself to be consistent and trustworthy, your feelings about this incident will probably fade. He should be understanding if you feel hesitant at times and maybe require a lot of information about his whereabouts, and at the same time you should make an effort to give him the benefit of the doubt.
So I don't think your feelings will instantly disappear and it will always be a dark memory, but with time you can heal with FI's help.
I agree with mlnpns, it takes time. Forgiveness and trusting someone isn't always an automatic thing, it takes time to forgive and heal and also to trust that someone isn't going to revert. I would be hesitant to get engaged to someone a year after something like that happened it wouldn't be enough time for me for them to demonstrate their changedness and new trustworthiness to me. But I do think people can change and you just need more right now to feel completely secure, and that's OK. If it's really something worth holding onto he'll keep proving himself to you.
It sounds like you both have move forward. He's made amends. You've forgiven and trust again. But forgiveness can be a process. Have you ever told him how you still have thoughts? Or in general do you feel like you've talked everything through to your satisfaction? If not, maybe try that.
But honestly, it sounds like you are in a good place with this. The fact that some of the bad memories creep up... I don't know. They are memories. I'm not sure you can simply forget them. But just because you remember them, doesn't mean he is less forgiven. Sometimes we have a few scars. (And sometimes it's remembering is a good thing.) I agree time will help.
Good luck.
The bad memories will pop up time to time - it's normal. As long as you KNOW there is no backsliding and he'd never do it again, I think you'll be fine. If you're alone, take a minute and let yourself cry if you need to, but don't let yourself dwell on it. Time is the only thing tha will put those memories further and further away from you.
@Tanya123: That's right. Forgiveness doesn't always equal forgetting right away. TIME will heal.
Same thing happened here. It happened 8 months ago and like you said, it's still fresh in my head. And it still makes me so angry and upset. But like your man, he is 1,000% better about EVERYTHING. It's been the greatest 8 months of our relationship and there's no doubt he's the one. I don't think we should ever forget. Forgetting something like that would be stupid. The things we go through make us stronger and we need to remember where we came from.
I think it will take more time. He hurt you and you've fogiven him but that doesn't mean you forget everything that happened. Just be patient and it will all work itself out :) I don't think it's something you can force...it just has to happen with time.
Definitely time. Not only will your feelings of anger and hurt cool down in time but hopefully he will have proved his trustworthiness to you over and over again until the old stuff feels like a different person. In the first two years of our relationship I held some stuff from his past over my now husband's head. Some issues were strictly taboo between us, I couldn't even stand the mentioning of some girls' names etc. We've now been together for over five years and been through so much together all that stuff seems so distant and trivial now. I can run into any of those girls at a party and just shrug it off. They're all distant vague memories from a past life.
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I think my fiance and I have a great relationship. I would do anything for him and vice versa. I can honestly say he is my best friend without trying to make my relationship sound valid. When he proposed, he drove 2 hours to have lunch with my father and ask him, man to man. He takes an interest in anything I do,... he is constantly helping with the wedding.
Unfortunately it hasn't always been this great. When we first started dating he was very mysterious... late nights, ignore my calls, girls numbers, pictures, etc. etc. Of course, he had a fantastic excuse for every single thing previously mentioned.. now... I am not stupid, I know when he is lying to me..and I knew on numerous occasions he was lying. I don't need any girl to come out and tell me - HEY I SLEPT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND... I just knew. At the time, I chose to forgive him, or believe him ( in his mind).... about a year ago he stopped. I found a series of pictures in his e-mail.... ( i didnt trust him and went through all of his stuff)... I left him and he begged me to stay. From them on he stopped going out with his single group of friends, he stopped going out til 3 am, he wanted me with him all o the time, he wanted to put our phone plans together for a better deal, he wanted to move into my house with me, he just.. put more of an effort into our relationship.... and it was obvious all the way around... it's almost like.. he just grew up.... and i kind of feel like that is where our relationship began. It was also bad for him because I didnt trust him AT ALL. I looked through every ounce of his phone calls, his car, his emails, his facebook.... i am the world's BEST stalker.
Before he changed so much, I would have never married him -- in fact, in the back of my head, I thought - what the hell are you doing with this guy? and now I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me.. he is my dream man... and I can now honestly say that I trust him to do anythign with anybody...I dont check any of his stuff basically because I know he is with me and only me.
MY problem is forgetting about how he used to be..forgetting about him cheating...forgetting about all of the tears I cried for him. I can still see the text messages in his phone like it was yeseterday... I can still see the girl's pictures in his phone.... It just doesnt seem to fade.
Will this ever fade? Will I ever forget? I want to so bad.....
I know most girls are going to say, you should have left him! but I didn't and I don't regret staying with him.... i just want to be able to see our relationship how it is now, instead of thinking about the past.... can anyone relate here?