How to get a husband to understand you are not a maid…

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband is messy in different ways. Like, he doesnt clean crumbs off when he makes something in the kitchen, or doesnt wipe down the sink when he shaves. All I do is keep pointing it out to him. If I keep pointing it out, when he successfully wipes down a counter, like a puppy, he has to show me his good deed lol.

My current project is getting him to NOT turn on the vent in the bathroom, just because the switch is right next to the light switch and he chooses not to learn which switch is which. It actually drives me up the wall. I think i’m going to put tape over the switch so he can’t use it. 

Post # 3
42101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  He does these things because he can. He knows that you will clean up after him. Did his mother do the same thing?

When I married my first husband, he started out the same way. he would literally take off his work suit and drop it on the floor at the end of the bed. The laundry hamper was in the bathroom for the washables, and the suit jacket and pants obviosuly needed to be hung up.

I surprised him by just leaving them there. It wasn’t until this pile was  few feet high that he finally asked me when I was going to do laundry as he was running out of shirts. I told him that I have been doing laundry all along, but there wasn’t anything of his in the hamper.

He didn’t do it again because he knew I was serious- if it wasn’t iin the hamper, it wasn’t my job to run around the house looking for laundry.

Post # 4
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Maybe say it exactly like you’ve said it here: “Start helping out more, or I will smother you in your sleep.”

That should get the point across…

I am so sorry that he’s being a lazy bum. I would really tell him he needs to put in the effort.. he can’t use the “I can’t change over night” excuse. He’s using it as a cop-out.  It’s not *that* hard to remember to put dishes in the sink, or wipe down the counter…

Does the messiness bother him? I would just leave the mess, not clean up after him, and see how long it takes him to realize he needs to clean up after himself!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  urchin.
Post # 5
3014 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  I foresee a few fights on this front over the next few months/years.  He needs to realize that trying to take his cups to the kitchen and putting his damn shoes away so his pregnant wife doesn’t trip and fall and hurt herself or the baby isn’t part of the “household chores” it is part of being a decent human being.

i say any cups he leaves sitting for four days? He gets to clean them. If he leaves his shoes out? Pile them in his side of the bed so he realizes he has done it and has to put them away before he goes to sleep.

Post # 6
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If you figure this out, please let me know… according to mine, everything in the house (kids stuff included) is mine. So if there are dishes in the sink, it’s my mess, or if the kids school papers are all over the floor because they dumped their bookbag, it’s my mess. Not the kids mess or his mess, mine. It drives me nuts. I understand he works more than me, but I shouldn’t have to be responsible for 100% of taking care of the children, cleaning, cooking, etc when there are 2 parents here. I would be happy if he would just fold laundry one time. But he grew up with a mom that did everything, so I guess it’s not going to change anytime soon.

Post # 7
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014


the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  What is with the leaving of the socks in the middle of the room??  Is it a game they like to play??  I’m not amused by this.  And LOL @ him making a sandwich.  When my FI cooks, you’d think it was a Saturday night dinner rush at Applebees.  My God. 

Post # 8
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Yeah, just because you’re the main one taking care of the house doesn’t mean he needs to be unecessarily messy.

I’d do what Julies suggested, honestly. I wouldn’t pick up after him in these cases. I’d do the laundry that made it into the hamper. But the stuff on the floor? It can sit there. When he runs out of socks, he’ll get the picture. The dishes? Do the ones in sink/dishwasher, but he can go without a plate when they run out because he couldn’t tidy up. It shouldn’t take long for it to sink in. It’s not unreasonable for him to get his socks in the hamper.

Post # 9
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012


babeba:  “He needs to realize that trying to take his cups to the kitchen and putting his damn shoes away so his pregnant wife doesn’t trip and fall and hurt herself or the baby isn’t part of the “household chores” it is part of being a decent human being.” 

…and this as well. He seems pretty inconsiderate. Being as pregnant as you are, he needs a wake-up call in terms of how much more challenging things are for you, and how dangerous his slobby-ness is as well!

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Post # 10
413 posts
Helper bee

Let me know if you’ve found a solution! I’m done being mad and fighting about the same I gave up! I have so many clothes so I only do laundry every two weeks. If he needs underwear before than, he can do his own laundry!  The Dahl wood floor looks so disgusting bc after I clean it, FI makes sure half of dinner ends up on the floor and he acts like he’s blind! Or floor now has footprints, paw prints, cat hair, and food all over. FI couldn’t care and as soon as I clean, he messes everything up so now I only clean when I have company over. Nothing I say will get him to do anything so I’ve given up the battle. Good luck, girl!

Post # 11
4649 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014


the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  I’m pretty convinced that once a slob, always a slob. Maybe some small changes can be made, but… its ingrained.

Post # 12
2385 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

DH used to do this & it annoyd me to no end… At first I would just leave the stuff there & clean around it thinking he would notice. Nope… My second try worked pretty good. I just started gathering his stuff up & putting it in a big pile on his side of the bed so he had to clean it up before he went to bed.. He said he didn’t notice how bad he was with it all until he saw it lumped together in one place. He’s pretty great about it now that he knows I won’t clean it up period- if it;s left out it goes in a pile for him to deal with later…. 

Post # 13
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

the_newlymintedmrs-s17: Possible to get a maid? I know you guys are cutting WAY down, but between a baby and chores, you need help if he won’t step up. 

You can create budget for a maid by bringing lunches, reselling some of your old clothes on Poshmark, Threadflip, etc. 

I hid FI’s clothes in his car. He got the message when he couldn’t put anything in the trunk. Maybe do the same for DH, because that is NOT COOL. 

Post # 14
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Marry a guy that actually helps out?  Seriously.  Both my ex husband and my current husband help out with everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything.  I wouldn’t date a guy that expected me to do all of the housework.

Since you’re stuck figure out what chores he can do and get him to agree to at least do those.  He needs to understand that when he leaves everything for you to do, a little piece of you ends up resenting him and over time those little pieces of resentment add up.  A strike here or there may help out some but ultimately he may be able to hold out longer than you and then you’re stuck cleaning up a bigger mess or washing/drying/folding a ridiculous amount of laundry.

Post # 15
643 posts
Busy bee

I would tell him that I will do dishes that are in the sink, laundry that is in the hamper, and that you will clean around the piles of stuff he leaves everywhere. I would simply say, “I am your wife and your partner, not your mother or your maid. I will do the household chores as we agreed, but I will not follow you around with a garbage can. You need to respect me and our home – if you live alone, would you do this?”

You’re requesting his support and he should be happy to give it to you. Focus on how it’s impacting you and making you feel – unappreciated. 

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