How to get closure from being in an abusive relationship? Serious advice please

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Silly_love:  I think it would be enormously cathartic and helpful to write that letter, but don’t send it. Get everything out on paper as a way to confirm that this is the end. Sending the letter isn’t necessary – it could be seen as an invitation to contact you again and you do not need that. The only way to show him that you are so much better off is to happily live your life and never hear from him again.

You are so strong! Hugs to you!

Post # 6
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Silly_love:  Dear, I’m glad you got out alive. I would write the letter, burn it, and if you still don’t feel better go talk to a counselor.

Congrats dear! Your about to enter the BEST days of your life and can now help women who are abused.

Post # 7
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@remijp:  +1


write the letter and don’t send it. i’ve done it before and it has really helped. to be honest though, there are still times where i wonder what my ex is up to and secretly hoping he’s in jail or, even worse, dead. they’re fleeting moments and don’t happen often but i wonder if i’ll always have them on occasion. my ex was an abusive bastard and leaving him was the best thing i ever did. that was over 10 years ago. for awhile, i felt exactly how you do right now. i wanted him to know that i was doing better without him and that i was happy but then i realized he wouldn’t care. it’s not worth it to contact him because he won’t give a shit how you’re doing. in fact, he’d probably think you’re lying and it would be an invitation for him to contact you. it will make you feel worse so just write the letter and then burn it.



Post # 8
11300 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

However, I am so not in love with my ex or I don’t care for him, but I can’t help but to find myself bothered by him still. It’s like I want him to hurt by knowing that I’m happy now, without him, even though he said no one would ever love me. And that I’m marrying a man that’s 100x a better man that he’ll ever be. I want him to know that I survived without him and became a better person with a happy life. He might not care, but I was with him through most of my 20s and he took so much from me. I died inside, lost myself and want him to know that I gained myself back and so much more. I want closure that he knows I’m doing great despite how much he said I was a loser, bitch, cunt, slut and worthless. 

I went through this. I started dating a guy at 19 who was extremely emotionally abusive (never physically, thankfully, but he did threaten it). This is how I’ve felt for the past five years. I allowed myself to start getting over it the last year that I was with him, and have been working on that since then. I still hold on to some anger towards him, because how dare he do this to me? How dare he treat me like that, call me names, call me worthless, and make me forget who I was? But you know what? I’m better now. I’m a better person, better than him, better than I was. I am strong and beautiful and perfect in every way that he thought was wrong.

I agree that you should write everything out and then burn the paper. I ended up writing out the whole story on another forum, and it made me feel better, and a lot of people who knew me through that time finally knew what I’d gone through. 

I’ve actually seen my ex since I left. Not much, even thought we live in the same city, but honestly, it’s been more than enough. Unfortunately, he knows what kind of car I drive now (he’s a police officer and passed me on my way to work one morning, and I definitely saw that he recognized me…boo), but that’s okay. He’s seen me with FI and all I did was smile knowingly, as my 30 year old ex stomped out of the store like a child. I just laughed.

Post # 9
30 posts
  • Wedding: November 2010

First I would consider counseling even though this is all behind you it is traumatic stuff.  You can call the national domestic violence hotline even years later just to talk or get referrals for counselors in your area.

Lundy Bancroft offer retreats for DV survivors. If you google his name and retreats you can get info.  

You should feel so proud of how far you have come!  Sometimes helping can be healing.  Maybe volunteer at a local DVD program or collect supplies for a shelter.

Post # 10
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Silly_love:  I’m going through something very, very similar & I understand how you feel. I’ve done the letter, blog posts, but not the counsellor. The letters helped for a while but sometimes something just reminds me of him & some things he said. After I left, he frequently said something like “No one will ever love you since you are rubbish I threw away.”

I too, want to show him that someone loves me more than he ever did, even before he knew me. Personally, I’m just going to go with the engagement ring/wedding on FB set to friends of friends with a loving, gushing post about how wonderful I have it since we still have mutual friends. Other than that, I just try to put it out of my mind & forget it because I think I’m as over it as I ever will be. 


Post # 13
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Silly_love:  Darn it. =P You could just put it as your cover photo or something. Anyway, these abusive crazy guys do come back & check, and you already know he won’t like what he sees. Just knowing I don’t have to do anything & he will do the legwork to upset himself satisfies me. XD

Post # 14
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Agree with PP’s writing a letter would be conducive to healing.  Don’t send it though, because he could take that as an invitation back into your life.  

It could be really nice to go to meetings for abused women.  Not only for your benefit but theirs as well to show them you CAN be happy and have a life if you leave!  It really helped my Mom, and I think its just different to share your acomplishments with people who know and understand where you’ve been. People who probably feel the exact same way you’re feeling right now.

Post # 15
4138 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

🙁 Wow. I’m so sorry you were treated that way.


I really reccomend CBT, therapy etc. 

Good luck on your journey to healing 🙂 

Post # 16
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Therapy helped some, but for me the ultimate catharsis was telling people I know and love.

I’m VERY selective in who I’ve told, and even then with VERY few details, but I’ve told my four best friend, DH, my Mother, and my sister/MOH.

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