Post # 1
My husband and I have decided to start TTC on our one-year anniversary, which is in October. I’ve felt emotionally ready to start trying for awhile now, and feel like we’ve accomplished a lot of the things we wanted (married, stable careers, good amount of savings, great family support system, have travelled, are late-20’s). My husband expresses almost daily that he’s excited for us to have a baby, and even very sweetly and impulsively picked out random baby paraphrenalia when we were out shopping recently.
However, he’s also mentioned intangible fears for having kids (“anything could happen to them and I wouldn’t know what to do”) and has said that he needs a date (our anniversary) to give himself time to mentally prepare himself as opposed to just arbitrarily beginning now. When I asked why he chose our anniversary, he said he wants to enjoy married life for a year before introducing kids to the picture. That’s a little confusing to me, as we’ve been living like a common-law married couple for over four years. He said he just needs time to reassure himself mentally, and that he’ll definitely emotionally be there by our anniversary.
I’m pretty happy with that timeline, though a little confused about the kind of mental-preparedness that he intends to accomplish. So I guess my question is, is there anything I can do for him to help or reassure him? I’ve asked him this question but he’s a real ‘don’t know my own mind’ kind of guy, if you get what I mean. Like, he’s very uncertain and emotional. I suggested reading a baby book in the evenings together, which he seemed game for. Is there anything else you’d recommend?
Post # 2
anonybee0810: I would not suggest trying too hard to “prepare” him mentally. Some things just take time and if mentally that’s what he prepared for it may be best to go with the flow. Some people backpeddle or panick when they think things are going too fast. You can try again to speak to him about his reason, but, if I understand correctly, he just needs time to be mentally ready.
Post # 3
Relat: Thanks so much. Rationally, I know you’re right and it’s something he needs to just process. Irrationally, I always want to help him but in this case, it’s hard to do that without just sounding pushy. Sigh!
Post # 4
I’ve been working on my husband. Once we set a timeline I made sure to remind him periodically how much time we had left. In the beginning he was like oh man “x” months? Then he’d do some heavy breathing and we’d drop the subject. As we get closer, he’s doing less heavy breathing and has actually begun asking, how long until we can try? I also point out all the things he’ll enjoy when we have kids. When he said he thought the shopping carts with steering wheels on them were cool I told him he’d get to drive them one day and not get crazy looks. I believe all men have a little boy side to them. Tap into it!
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I know what’s really helped my husband not be freaked by the idea of TTC is hanging out with our friends wth babies and toddlers. Do you guys have friends with little kids?
Post # 6
anonybee0810: I’ve been TTC since Feb 2013 and have one mc behind me And to be honest having a baby terrifies me. They’re hard work and the only way to know what to do is to have one. I know I will never feel fully prepared no matter how long it takes to get pregnant. It’s just one of those things you need to jump in at the deep end. Remind him that you will be in it together. Plus, the positives waaaay outweigh the negatives, that I know for a fact without doing it!!
Post # 7
lolot: No friends with little kids, unfortunately. We are both the oldest of our siblings and all our local friends are newlyweds, like us. Most of my highschool friends have kids but are just too far away to see.
phoebephoebo: This has always been my sentiment; that you never feel fully prepared and at some point, when as many of your other stars align as possible, you just take the plunge. But I absolutely have found that it helps to remind him that not only are we in it together, no matter what, but I also come from a childcare background (used to be a nanny of infants) and have faith we will learn along the way.
Post # 8
anonybee0810: Honestly, I would just give him the time and not bring it up much. I can see where he’s coming from about wanting to be mentally prepared, but I don’t think you can make that happen for him. He seems pretty confident that he will be ready when your TTC time hits, which is actually a huge step for him. Let him do his thinking and preparing on his own. If he brings up something that concerns him about having/raising kids then just sit down together and talk about how you would deal with it together. I think that’s all you can do.
Post # 9
I woukd do nothing. I was this person in my relationship and if my husband tried to prepare me it would have had the opposite effect. The only thing that helped was getting pregnant accidently before our official TTC date lol. He will get there and it will be fine. Having kids isn’t something you should push before both partners are ready. But you’re right, no one os ever fully prepared!
Post # 10
anonybee0810: I think the best thing you can do is continue to live life as you do now. If you try to do things to help prepare him, or talk about babies incessantly, that will only increase his anxiety. It is perfectly normal to feel the way he does and you guys obviously have a great level of communication. I would take it slow, not do anything for now.. when it gets to your anniversary then discuss going off birth control and just continue to live life as you are now, be involved in each others lives etc. Lots of people feel overwhelmed in the beginning and once the process starts they figure out they know what they are doing.
Post # 11
anonybee0810: I’d do nothing. I think the more you make him do the worse his anxiety will be. Sometimes women focus too much and it comes off as pressuring, and that can scare a guy. Just let him prepare any way he can, and when your anniversary rolls around express that you’re ready to start trying for a baby. And who knows, it could happen before then. DH and I wanted to wait a year. We both had good jobs, house, dog, everything, and a about a month before our 1 year anniversary we couldn’t really think of a good reaso nto wait any longer other than we told ourselves we weren’t going to try for a year.
Post # 12
anonybee0810: I would recommend being open to listening to and validating his fears as well as sharing your own (come on you have to have at least one, having kids is a big deal!) Furthermore, as your life goes on together, other fears may pop up, and you’ll want to continue to do the same thing. I totally understand that he may want some time to sit with his fears and worries. Having and raising a child is no small undertaking. And also, maybe being married means something else to him and he wants to share that with you. You will be surprised what you might learn about each other 🙂
Post # 13
You ladies are definitely right. It’s such a hard switch for me to take a step back and let him have his time/space to muse. So much of our relationship and lives has been achieved through frequent conversation (we are both guilty of ‘talking a subject to death’) and mutual encouragement, it feels so uncomfortable to back off. But it’s a good lesson for me, hahaha. Thanks 🙂
Post # 14
anonybee0810: My DH has a child from his first marriage. When we started talking about kids, he too was nervous -even though he had already had one!
I think it’s just something he has to prepare for himself. It seems you have done a pretty decent job and preparing yourselves and supporting him. 🙂
My husband has told me that even though we are in our mid 30’s he still worries about being a good provider. I imagine a lot of men might feel this way. Perhaps it has something to do with that. I just didn’t push him and talked things out as they came up.
I really feel he will come around or get more comfortable. Especially if he picked out random baby supplies. 🙂