Post # 1
We have been married for a year and a half and are very happy. We both have educations, good secure jobs, and a steady income. We own our home. I’m 27. He is 28.
DH and I have agreed to go off BCP in January and start trying a few months after. Yes, a year from now. We had a bit of scare this month and it made me realize how ready I am and how much I want this.
We normally have great communication, but this seems to be a really difficult topic for him. He has agreed to a time frame, but I feel like he is hesitant, not really onboard, and just wants to make me happy. I also dont know if this is something he will every be ready for. I am also worried he is going to change is mind.
Anyone else having the same issue? Is there anything I can say or do to mentally preapare him, or get him to be more open.
Post # 2
I didn’t have this situation with my own husband, but I don’t think it’s abnormal. A girlfriend of mine who is now due only two weeks before me did run into this with her husband. He was kind of ambiguous about ttc, he never really was like “I WANT A BABY!!” But he was also never really against it. Now that they are pregnant he’s been excited from the beginning.
I think that it’s a scary subject, especially for men at times. Having a baby is a huge life changing event. Sometimes doing huge things deliberately can be scary, it’s easier to just have sex and see what happens and not really discuss it, and that’s ok.
As long as he’s not saying no he’s not ready, then I think it’s fine that he’s not jumping up and down about it. Hell get used to the idea eventually!
Post # 3
clairykoo: I was in the same boat as MsJ2theZ…I didn’t have an issue with my own DH, but I think this is normal. Men tend to think a lot about one subject, especially kids, and I think they do better when you just see what happens than if he were to have a timeline picked out. A timeline is scary. Heck, even just knowing you’re TTC is scary. We were both ready, and the first time we had sex completely unprotected was a very awkward moment because we both kept thinking “this could be it.”
And sometimes the feelings of not being completely ready don’t go away. I have had many, many moments where, after I got pregnant, I was telling myself I couldn’t do it.
Just because he isn’t acting excited doesn’t mean he isn’t excited. He might be once you actually get pregnant. My DH didn’t just up and down with excitement at TTC. He might be scared, and he’s allowed to feel that way. As long as he isn’t against it, I would think too much about it. I would DEFINITELY, come January, bring it up again in a serious talk because you don’t want to ignore his hesitant feelings completely because they could mean something, but I think it is just normal at this point.
Post # 4
From my experience, men REALLY don’t like pinning down the fact that they are making a baby. Part of it with my DH was that he didn’t know if he was ready, and also was worried about “failing” at making said baby.
With my DD, we were NTNP. We had to go about it that way for him to be on board. He didn’t feel the pressure.
With our second, current pregnancy, I was shocked when I actually convinced him to actively try for a baby. He did express worry about it, but since we had already made one baby, he felt les pressure. lol
I think the key is not to nag. Not to approach it like it’s a chore. No saying, “it’s time to go make a baby!” More approaching it like, “lets go get dirty” …then their mind isn’t all jumbled with baby-making stress! lol
Post # 5
I’m in that situation. DH is happy to have kids and he cant wait in that aspect, but he is also terrified of the changes it will mean for us. We’re very happy right now and i think he is afraid to ruin that.
I would note, i DONT really blame him for these feelings. I went through an episode of depression before the wedding and hes scared it will come back which would not be good if i was caring for a child. So i am in a different situation where although i feel ready to handle a baby, i cant blame my husband for wanting to wait a bit. He knows that i’m not preventing though so the ball is in his court each month if we decide to try.
Post # 6
clairykoo: Is there anything you can say or do to mentally prepare him? Or change his mind? If he’s like my DH, then No.
I’ve tried every trick in the book short of crying every day, which I can’t promise I won’t do in a few months time (we’re not trying until December and we are 28, own our own home, both have full time jobs with decent income, have savings, been married since September last year).
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
clairykoo: Have you discussed his childhood and whether he wants to raise your child the same way or differently? That is usually a good conversation starter about kids. Most parents worry about how their marriage will change once they have a child so a lot of that apprehension is likely related to general fear of the unknown. Discussing how you plan to raise your child and discipline them is as important to discuss as how often you plan to have a date night or vacation for just the two of you after the baby is born.
Also, it helps to take him around couples with children that model the type of parenting and family life you see yourselves having. My husband was pretty hesitant until we spent some time around my cousin’s kids and he realized how much fun it’s going to be to have a child. He pouts and laments about having a child every time we walk by the Curious George waterpark play area at Universal (which is often because we have annual passes.) My husband admitted to me that his biggest fear is that he won’t be a good dad. Bringing him around kids more regularly helped him realize that he will be a great dad because he has fun throwing the ball around and pushing them on the swings.
Post # 8
I’m not sure there every is really a way to do this. Each man is different. My husband and I are planning on TTC around the same time as you (a few months later) and I think putting an actual timeline on it scared him at first. A year isn’t a long time, and thinking about how much changes when you are responsible for another human can be so overwhelming and terrifying, no matter how much you want it. If you’ve agreed on a timeline, I’d just let it go for awhile and let the idea settle in. Sometimes men just need to mull things over for a bit before they get used to the idea of change. Do you have friends with kids who he could be around more? My husband and I started dating shortly after my older sister became pregnant with my niece, so he has been around a baby our entire relationship. He’s seen me love, play, and interact with her and has been able to himself for the past 4 years, so he has a lot of practice. Before our niece, he had never really been around kids and it was pretty scary in the beginning for him. He was afraid he would do something wrong and hurt her. I think that’s always a big concern for people-that they will do something wrong and mess up their child’s life. Maybe giving him some time around kids/babies will let him see he can handle it and it will be even more awesome when it’s his own child. Good luck!