Post # 1
Ok, I feel like a horrible friend and I’m trying to be a better one… so here’s my situation. My friend has been married 2 times already and she is only 29, she is getting married a third time now and I’m having a hard time being authentically excited for her. Mostly, because of the things she has told me, and I feel like she is getting married for security, even though it’s none of my business why she has decided to marry him.
Here the background:
They were together for 2 years and got engaged, not even a month into the engagement they got in a horrible fight on NYE, they were both drinking heavily, she antogonized him, he ended up being physical with her, the cops were called, it was a yucky situation… however they decided to work it out… fast forward 5 months and she isn’t happy with him, he sleeps all day and isn’t motivated and she is very motivated, self starter, etc. she ends up planning to meetup with a guy from her past and his friends for a weekend float trip and kisses the guy. Out of guilt she tells her fiance who forgives her, but the relationship is headed downhill, they end up splitting up. They were apart for about 6 months, she casually dated a few people, but nothing serious. Her and her ex fiance still kept in contact, he wanted to get back together but she kept saying that there were reasons she just couldn’t do it. Then NYE rolls around again, she came out with me and several friends who happened to be married or in relationships, when the ball dropped I saw she was upset as she was single and didn’t have someone to kiss… So I tried to comfort her. After we dropped her off that night she called her ex to come over and they got back together… within 2 weeks she had all the major wedding details finalized and deposits paid.
I just can’t help but think she may be doing this because it is comfortable and she doesn’t like being single, and it’s making it hard for me to be super excited about her getting married. I know she would take it the wrong way if I tried to talk to her about this, and everyone has their own opinion on relationships. I just feel like it is an impulsive move and don’t want her to regret it later and be 3x divorced. In the meantime, how am I supposed to be excited about this, I just don’t want my feelings to show and make her wedding experience not as great as it should be…
Post # 3
Ugh, that’s really tough. I know you love her but it sounds like there’s nothing you can do but be supportive and let her figure out her own stuff. Try to focus on what you love about her and minimize your involvement with the wedding.
Post # 4
@LiveLoveLaugh2012: You definitely don’t need to be authentically excited for her. Just pretend when she brings it up. She is old enough to realize what she’s doing is stupid but it’s her life and she can do what she wants. Try not to talk about the wedding unless she brings it up.
Post # 5
Sometimes, it’s best just to smile and be there. After all, you can’t tell a grwon woman what to do. Trust me, she hears that little voice in the back of her mind. Just be her friend, if you try to tell her about the mistake she’s possibly making, she’ll turn it around and make you out to be jealous, not happy for her etc.
Post # 6
We don’t have to agree with our friends decisions on how to they live their lives.
Post # 7
@LiveLoveLaugh2012: You don’t sound a horrible friend, you just sound concerned for her! In the end, people will do what they want so all you can do is smile and pretend to be excited when appropriate (particularly as you know she won’t want you to know) – it doesn’t make you a bad friend, it probably makes you a nice supportive one!
Post # 8
@LiveLoveLaugh2012: Omg..I’m sorry but 2 divorces by the time you are 29 is not normal. You are not being a bad friend for not being excited. Hell, you wouldn’t even be a bad friend for not supporting her. Whether you don’t want to be involved in yet another wedding, you are probably genuinely worried for her wellbeing. I think your friend and this fiance need to go to counseling. I am not one to lightly throw this around. They should go before they marry. She should also seek individual counseling. I think you are right on the mark about her being insecure and comfortable in relationships. She is not leading a healthy life and and its unfortunate that at the end of the day all you can do is watch.
Post # 9
@LiveLoveLaugh2012: I am betting you are probably not alone in how you are feeling. Is your friend planning a largish wedding(You said deposits, so I’m assuming)? I am betting not many people are going to show up for her third time at bat.
I don’t know how close you are with this friend, or what the dynamics of your friendship are, but I think you should tell her what you are observing. Approach from a place of love and support. She may need someone to tell her these things to stop her from making a mistake. If you don’t think you have the kind of relationship where you can bring it up, or if she is not the kind of person who will be receptive to hearing your observations, then just nod and smile when she brings it up.
Honestly though, she should realize that not everyone is going to be optimistic about a third marriage. I am actually my husband’s third wife(he was in his forties though). We both knew there would be some negativity, and that is part of why we eloped. You can bet when we made it to our first anniversary, money exchanged hands 🙂
We are going on seven years and getting married again though, so you never know. Maybe third time is a charm for your friend 🙂
Post # 10
Thanks everyone. She is going to have a large wedding 250+ people, this is his first marriage, and her first two weddings were smaller from what I understand. I guess I am going to look at it as positively as I can… I want her to be happy, and you’re right, she is a grown adult and anything I say will come across as being jealous or mean (even though I’m happily married and not a jealous bone in my body when it comea to this) so I will try to stay as positive as possible, and open in case she does need to talk. I know she could find someone she is truly compatible with, that would compliment her personality and needs and give her a better shot of a lasting marriage, and I just don’t see him being that person… Before this she would put him down and not have respect for his decisions/hobbies etc. he is a bit of a nerd, and she was obviously worried about what others thought of him. she said they have gone to counseling, so that is a positve thing. I’m crossing all my fingers and toes for her that she truly is doing this for the right reasons and not to just have a ring on her finger and the security of saying “I’m married”…