(Closed) How to get FI to plan more dates

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9626 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Bostongrl25:  ((Hugs))  I understand, the family overkill thing drives me nuts, sometimes, too.  I’m like you in longing for alone time with my FI as much as possible.

You’ll have to tell him, flat out, that your love language (from the wonderful Five Love Languages book) is Quality Time. 

Try to put it like this:  What is his “love language?”  For instance, what does he value most from you and what makes him feel the most loved by you?  Say, for example, for him it’s physical touch, like a lot of men, they especially love sex.  Tell him to try and imagine if you withheld his favorite loving thing from him (not saying you should do so, please don’t, but just make this point) how would he feel?  Tell him plainly and clearly that you NEED this to feel loved by him.

And ask him if he wants you to feel loved by him.  I’m guessing, yes, he does want you to know how much he loves you.  So, this is important and he is going to have to learn to speak your “love language” or he will contribue a lot of harm to your relationship instead of nurturing and expanding it.  Ask him to think about this.  In fact, if it’s easier for you, write him a letter explaining your feelings about this.  Don’t settle for less than what you need in a relationship.  You deserve to have your needs considered just as much as his are.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 4
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m laughing because we were in the same place, no time for anything weeks before wedding. I don’t think we were alone and had a serious date night until weeks after the wedding. It happens to all of us.

Post # 6
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Things are clearly hectic for you 2 right now and will only get more so the closer to the wedding you get. 

Post # 7
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Men quantify events in a different way than women do…and he might be putting all of these family commitments and things under the “Date Night” Column….because your together, and you are not in the house….plus, I think in the Man Accounting handbook, a wedding counts for like 20 Dates…so he’s probably banking on that too…and if you have a honeymoon planned, be probably thinks he’s set until summer of 2013….I would be lying if I said that my husband was a romantic…he’s not, he’s passionate, but not romantic…so if I want to go out somewhere or do something I’ll look at him and say something along the lines of, “In the next two weeks, I would like to go out to dinner, wearing something kinda fancy…and I want a present.”  or “In the next month or so…I would like to get away for the night, and if there was champagne there, it would be neat.”  The rest is up to him…he knows what I want, but I certainly didn’t print out an itinerary.

Otherwise he’s happy as a clam to bum around the house and wrench on his Jeep, which works too…but if you can’t find a way to communicate what you need to him, without making him feel like a failure…it’s just going to turn into cry-fest 2012 and you’ll both be sad.

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok, going to take this with a grain of salt… because you say you are PMSing and looking to vent.

And as drummerbride: has said now that you are into the final crunch before the Wedding… things are crazy stressful anyhow (probably for him too, altho maybe in a different way)

That said, I’ve gotta tell you that the best way for success (and long term also in your marriage) is to get into the habit of SCHEDULING stuff… and sticking with it.  Whatever method he uses for scheduling work stuff… is the same thing he should be using to organize his personal / social life (so you are both literally on the same page, in the same way, at the same time 24/7×365)

Mr TTR and I use an old-fashioned hang on the wall caledar (actually on our Bulletin Board) and altho I am the main person to write in the entries, we are BOTH RESPONSIBLE for knowing what is on the Calendar / Agenda.  It would be no more acceptable for him to “NO Show” for a work meeting, than it would be to “blow off” something we have going on together for the two of us (or to double-book without consulting me… which is WHY if someone suggests “Hey lets get together next Friday” he is now quick to say “I think that might work, but I’ll check with the Mrs and get back to you”)

Our Calendar entries vary… longterm we write in Vacations, Dirty Weekends, and Overnight Getaways.  Date Nights for us are always the same days of the week… so they now just are part of our routine.  Other stuff… like Invites from Friends, Concerts, or Activities / Chores that need to get done (we have to get to Home Depot this weekend) get penciled in, or if it is a weekly thing (like Grocery Shopping) we just chat about it so that each other knows what the other has in mind and WHEN

Establishing this routine will truly keep your marriage on target… and YES it is possible that as time goes on, you may have to put more emphasis on scheduling “couple” time (Vacations – Dirty Weekends – Getaways – Date Nights – and YES even Sex).  Because as the years go on… and if you have kids, the demands on your Schedule will become greater (another reason WHY it is good to start this practice NOW… having a Household Schedule that EVERYONE USES will create a better flowing, less stressful household for all that live there)

Hope this helps,

PS… Nothing wrong also with scheduling in FREE Time… or Girlie or Guy time either.  Mr TTR has a long-standing “date” with the Guys for his weekly hockey games.  And I respect that (as does he my “lunch dates” with the Girls… or my visits to the Hairdresser / Spa etc)

 

Post # 9
Member
9626 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@This Time Round:   I LOVE this suggestion!  We do this, although not quite as organized as you are.  But my FI and I discuss plans and fun things we’d like to do, for instance, just lying in bed we’ll say, “Wouldn’t it be fun if …” and then one of us will jump up and write our ideas down.  By writing things out and scheduling them we have accomplished so many things!  We’ve visited museums and parks and beaches and taken hikes and the symphony is next, lol. 

It really does work to make a concrete schedule and plan.  In our case we do it so we don’t forget all the great ideas we come up with at midnight after a couple of glasses of wine.  (You know how that is, lol). 

Smile

OP:  I hope you will give us an update on your talk!  And I also hope your PMS is feeling better today.

Post # 10
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

It seems SO unromantic but scheduling dates is the way to go.  We switch off every other Saturday night and the person that has ‘date night” that weeek makes all the plans, pays, etc…  This Saturday is my turn and I’m planning a picnic in a park.  I have also found that for most men you have to TELL them what you want.  A little direction can go a long way.

Good luck!

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