Post # 1
I really need some help. I will try to keep this short. In January 2013 my daughter (19) decided she was going to move in with her boyfriend (23). Being she is an adult there was nothing we could do and she moved out…. right into HIS parents house where they live now. A few months went by and we get a call to have lunch and catch up. All is going well and we learn we are going to be grandparents. Not terribly excited about the life choices thus far but what is done is done and we will make the best of it. A couple more months go by and they decide they HAVE to be married before the baby comes and ask my husband and I to pay for the backyard shindig. After some discussion we tell her that if they wait we would have time to plan and save and she could have the wedding she really wanted. This seemed to subdue the topic. Within a month of the baby being born she started planning and they want to get married in August. This past weekend they had a huge fight and she stayed at our house while he went home to his parent’s house/their house. I know every couple fights and goes thru hard times but I just don’t feel they are mature enough to make such a huge commitment. If they have such a hard time working through the little stuff how will they get thru when they are actually supporting themselves and are on their own. We love our daughter’s fiancé and his family and it’s not like we don’t want them to be married. Not only do we want what’s in their best interest we do not want to shell out $10k for a wedding that will only last 6-12 months. Please let me know if I’m being overly concerned or if I should go with my gut and ask them to postpone. Any advice on how to approach the topic and word it to get through to them would also be greatly appreciated.
Post # 2
mobcolleen: It’s a nice gesture, but is it really your responsibility to pay for their wedding? A nice lump of money is a great gift, but if she wants to be grown up in this world in 2014 then she must know people pay for their own weddings now. If you give them like 2 grand or something that’s really not that bad I guess, it would be a nice gift.
I would just save your money, and have them figure out how to pay for a wedding themselves.
Sounds mean…but she made the choice to grow up that fast, she should get the full reality of it. Let her pan her own wedding and pay for it as well..it may not be the best wedding since they have a baby, but she would figure out quickly that she needs to work for what she wants.
Post # 3
In a sense you really cant- if they truly want it to happen theyll make it happen, but here’s what I suggest:
You dont have to shell out 10k for a wedding you dont support (or even one you do). I would tell her you guys dont feel comfortable footing the bill for a wedding while all their living expenses are being paid for by another family. I would tell her as kindly as possible that if she wants to get married now in the backyard they need to pay for it- surely theyre saving a lot of money living with another mommy and daddy. If they wait until they are independant- then you would see the sense in helping them foot the wedding bill.
Maybe this will delay it more (if she cares more about the wedding). But if they really want to get married they might say fine no big we’ll pay- and you should be kind and supportive (but still not pay). I would however as the planning gets underway offer to contribute something for the sake of your relationship with your daughter (a dress, the cake, something).
Post # 4
Why are you wanting them to postpone this time? Your first reason was for you to save the money. You did that. Telling her you think they won’t last more than a year would be less than smart. Just pull your money out completely, but inserting yourself in their relationship is not cool.
Also if you want your daughter to be more mature then don’t let her come stay with you when they have a fight. Committed partners sleep under the same roof. Going back home to my parent’s is reserved when it’s time to quit the relationship IMO.
Post # 5
I agree with PP, she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to start acting like one. It is not your responsibility to pay for a wedding in any way shape or form, esp when you aren’t happy about the situation.
Do your daughter and her FI have jobs? Who will be providing for the child when it is born?
If you feel like you absolutely want to contribute to the wedding, tell them you will match whatever they contribute towards it or something along those lines.
Post # 6
I think there are two routes you could go with this. The honest route, and the white lie/slightly manipulative route.
The honest route involves planning a meeting with your daughter alone to talk about your concerns. Don’t make it about the wedding or money, but about how you want her to be happy and that some of her choices are worrying you. Ask her think seriously about what it means to make vows to someone and if she (and her FI) are ready to commit to a lifetime together, the good and the bad. I don’t think you can make money and a big wedding a reward for postponing. But you can tell her that if her decision if to marry in August and not take a seriously look at the relationship, you do not feel comfortable contributing to the wedding, but will show up and support her on the day.<br />
The lying route is to say that you need more time to save up the amount of money that the wedding will cost, so she should pick a later date. Then if she’s set on August, you can say that you don’t have the money and they’ll have to pay for it themselves.
Post # 7
Honestly, OP, I don’t really think any good will come from you trying to stop her from getting married. If the concern is about her not being grown up enough and not truly understanding what is involved in being an adult, planning and paying for her own wedding would be an excellent place to start learning (and a great way for them to get some more practice with managing conflict in a more constructive way). There’s really no other way for her to get those skills aside from just jumping in and learning. Sure, things will be rocky for a while, but I don’t think that means they’re doomed.
I do think it does show some level of maturity that they want to commit to building a stable life for their baby as a couple. (Not that I think that’s the only way to raise a healthy baby, but that’s not the point. Just don’t want to be misunderstood.) Maybe let her know that you’d be glad to give her a small amount as a wedding gift and allow the use of the backyard but that the rest is up to them. Then support her in her planning and offer advice only when asked.
Post # 7
mobcolleen: If you can afford to help out and you want to, then by all means, do it. That doesn’t mean you have to shell out 10K – give them what you’re comfortable with, and if that’s not enough, they can make up the difference themselves.
Our parents are splitting the cost of our wedding 50/50, and we are both incredibly thankful for that. That said, we totally understand that our wedding is not their responsibility, and we never would have imposed on them or forced them to pay for anything. Both sets of parents independently offered to put up X amount and it was more than enough for us. We are very grateful.
In your situation, I would tell them that right now, you don’t feel you are able to shell out any amount of money. If they are deadset on getting married right away, they’ll find a way to make it work. If they’re not, they’ll wait for awhile, until you are able (and willing) to give them some amount of money to help out. Without any money, their priorities will most likely shift and they’ll want to postpone.
Post # 9
I agree. You daughter has to learn on her own. If she wants to marry, she is going to do it. My all means, you dont have to pay. I would be honest with her instead of shelling out excuses. Maybe she needs to hear the reality from her parents?! I also agree, that if her and FI are fighting, you shouldnt open your house to her unless she is leaving! Its just telling her that it is ok.
I would maybe tell her that you cant afford it right now, but if they were to wait 6 months, you could. Option is in their court!
Post # 10
I don’t understand why you have to shell out any amount of money for your daughter’s wedding. If she’s mature enough to want to get married, she should be responsible enough to fund her own wedding. I would put the $10k in a savings/investment account for your grandchild.
Post # 11
KingsDaughter: totally agree. Don’t tell her you don’t think it’ll last, just tell her you can’t afford to pay for it. If she wants to live with her bf, have a baby, and be all grown up, she can figure out how to pay for HER wedding that she wants. If she goes ahead with it and they end up making it, you can always gift her the money you were going to pay for her wedding toward a house or some other big expenseif you want.
Post # 12
You’ve already told her that if she wants your help financially, she would need to give you time to save, which is more than fair. I would just tell her that this is her decision, but you can only give her $2000 (or whatever amount you could spare right now). She can then make an informed decision. Realistically, are you throwing away your money? Probably. But you committed to helping with what you can, so follow through.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
mobcolleen: It’s not your responsibility to pay for their wedding. Pushing her one way or the other is only going to cause more problems with your relationship. If you already promised then tell her that your financial situation has changed and unfortunately you can’t help them out with the wedding.
Encourage them to save up their own money for a wedding (it’s really their responsibility to pay for their wedding anyway.) And encourage them to work things out in the meantime. They have a child together so unless one or the other is abusive you should be somewhat supportive of them working things out so they can be together for their child.
Post # 14
I have a friend whose parents didn’t want to pay for her wedding until she was 30. She didn’t like it but she got over it. The engagement fell through, but if it hadn’t, she would have paid for her wedding herself. Simple. And she’s still very close with her parents.
You’re completely within your rights to tell her that seeing her choose to live away from her fiance for a night has caused you to rethink things, and you won’t feel comfortable paying $10K for her wedding until she’s 25, when statistically the chances of her marriage lasting are much higher. A wedding is an investment, and if you’re going to invest financially, you want it to be in a marriage that will last. You don’t want to see your baby girl get divorced, because you love her, and you want statistics on her side. Divorce is much worse than a break up. Their baby won’t care if they never get married, but they will care if they get divorced, and might feel guilty if they think they’re the only reason their parents got married and had to go through a divorce in the first place. Also, it could be so much more special if the child is more aware of the wedding.
Post # 15
It seems like your daugther and her FI have managed to stay together for a year and a half and they do have a baby together. I could undrestand your concerns more if they had been together for maybe 6 months or even a year but they’ve been together for a year and a half. Yes they are young, but seems like they want to get married and as a mom I would highly suggest you support her in her decision, having your parents support you really makes all the difference.
Plus you did tell her before if she postponed the wedding you would save money and give her the wedding of her dreams, and she did postpone, pulling back now because you don’t like her decision might damage your relationship with her.