How to get on the same page before TTC?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
41855 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrsdfarrar6714:  You make the decisions for babies you birth, he makes the decisions for the ones he gives birth to. When he is the one with his legs spread open to the world and pushing something the size of a watermelon out, he can decide how many people he wants in the room to share this magical moment.

As far as overnight visitors, I would agree to leave that one until after the baby is born. Unless there are real problems, I can’t see the need for anyone to stay overnight when they all live so close. You may change your mind about the advice though. They all do know a thing or two having raised the two of you. You may find you appreciate the help, but it is nice when everyone goes home and you can just be yourselves with the baby.

Post # 3
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

When you are giving birth (especially if you end up doing so naturally), the last thing you are going to be worrying about is what is going on in the waiting room.

Post # 4
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree that the person giving birth should have a say in who’s in the room.  But the waiting room, I feel like you can’t control who is in the building, nor will you likely be thinking about it.  If they want to sleep on plastic chairs waiting for your body to do its thing, that’s their perogative.

As far as overnight visits, that’s probably a convo best had when you’re not far from a due date.  If parents start talking about overnight stays, just let them know that while they’re welcome to visit, you won’t be in much of a state to entertain so going home/going to a hotel is probably best.

Out of curiosity, was SIL’s baby a first grandchild?  My MIL has been going bonkers over my nephew, she did everything you’re worried about, but it was also her first grandchild.  I’m really hoping she chills out for any subsequent grandkids.

Post # 5
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think there is much you can do about them being in the waiting room when the big day cones, but I would have an agreement in place with your husband ahead of time. An agreement that the second baby is born, no one is allowed to come flocking in as they please. That you want the first half hour or whatever time frame you choose to just be about you guys bonding with your baby. You may want to do skin to skin for a while, you may want to try breast feedin, etc. 

 

As far as overnight visits, you will likely have to put your foot down closer to the time. That you are trying to establish somewhat of a routine and all guests are out between 9 and 9 or something. You’ll want privacy. Especially those first nights as you get to know your baby. 

Hopefilly your husband will come to recognize the importance of space and boundaries once he sees how stressful extra people can be right after a new baby arrives. 

Post # 6
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee

Use the science on him. Oxytocin (the happy hormone) is one of the most important hormones involved in labour.  This is because your body needs to know you are safe before going through something like labour.  The hormone is released when you are happy, relaxed and safe, signalling to your body that it is a good time to have the baby.  You need to be in a situation where your oxytocin levels are as high as possible and if you will be stressed and worrying about an audience then your levels will be lower potentially making the labour harder.

Post # 8
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee

mrsdfarrar6714:   I wouldn’t want them at the hospital either.  They are likely to raid your room before you are ready. If they do show updduring yourb labor, make it clear to the staff that you are not taking visitors until you are ready.  Hopefully they respect your wishes. I hope your husband comes to his senses.

Post # 9
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wonder if your hospital allows extra people while you are in labour and delivery. For me, I was only allowed 2 support people during labour. I only had my husband. Guests were welcome once I was wheeled up to the postpartum ward. It was nice because it took them 3 hours to get me a room. This way, I was able to have privacy with husband and baby with no threat of unwanted guests for the first 3 hours. And believe me, I would never want in laws in while the pad  underneath me was being changed because it was full of blood, while I was just stitched up, while I’m in an open gown, figuring out how to latch baby onto breast. I really hope this works out for you! You are more patient than me!

Post # 10
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

mrsdfarrar6714:  Wow, that is kind of rude of the FIL there.

And yeah, it can be irritating knowing that people are waiting to see you when you want bonding time alone with the new babe, but just try to ignore them.  In most hospitals, they can’t come into the room without your approval, so don’t rush and they can deal with waiting.

Post # 12
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

mrsdfarrar6714:  Since you’re talking at least ~2 years before any of this becomes a reality, you’re putting the cart before the horse. For me, it was important to get on the same page about 1) wanting kids; 2) when to have them; 3) how many; 4) how long we’re willing to try; and… that’s about it.  The rest will work itself out.

Post # 13
Member
2046 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

 mrsdfarrar6714:  well as someone who has had similar thoughts way before we TTC….I can understand where your coming from especially seeing first hand how things have been running with SIL. But I will say its best not to stress too far in advance and you need to be careful how you word things with your DH because he will possibly see you as trying to shut his family out, which will only make him defensive and he will try to put his foot down. In reality You the one giving birth and going through recovery so you get more say!

A lot of the time IL’s who are about to be grandparents start spouting off things “they will be doing” but a lot of the time its just excited talk…. in the end you and DH will make the decisions so yes its impt to be on the same page.

1) your SIL is the daughter of your IL’s?? or the married in spouse? Im assuming shes your DH sister so more or less I can see how they are all over it because shes the mamma. She may have wanted this…. like…have you spoken to her about whether she asked them to stay or did they push in? To each their own but I think its ridiculous for them to have stayed the night when they live 5 minutes away? I dont even think MY IL’s would be that bad and they are pretty darn (how do you say…overly attached) lol.

Has your DH commented on it at all? does he agree with wanting them there? I noticed you didnt mention his personal views (so assuming you havent had any convos yet). He may not want that either. I personally think you do need space to figure out your own baby without people in your face 24/7 so staying over is something I would be prepared to put my foot down on if your DH does want it. Theres a few good articles out there that explain about “visiting after baby” and one of the main points I take from it is…. yes it can be helpful at times, but it also depends on the specific person…. their personality….. ie: is this someone you can completely loose it in front of and tell them to f*ck off and get out of your face and break down on the floor crying in front of? or is this just someone you can only handle for 2 hours at a time? If its the latter then they should NOT be staying with you! You need to be 100% comfortable with any “houseguests” during the first few weeks if not it can cause you a lot of stress/being overwhelmed that your baby will be able to feel through you…..and it can affect things like breastfeeding etc… if your tense. Sometimes the men in our lives dont think about these things because its not something that crosses their minds, but its not just a cut and dry situation of (my DH original opinion) “oh more people/more hands will help”… well….it can actually be the opposite unless you really want that person there, so make sure you have some facts/and good points to bring up to your DH.

In the end…. lets just say you get pg, baby arrives, and your Il’s come over for a visit and say “ok we’re staying the night”….. completely rude and unacceptable so guess what? you dont want them there? who said you have to be a gracious host lol…. You’ll be fresh outta the hospital with hormones raging… you can always just unleash on them like al pacino in scar face…. They wanna make you uncomfortable? 2 can play at that game, and see if they try and pull it again lol. Obviously thats a last resort, but if someone is going to disrespect you and your space, you dont have to sit there and take it!

My parents live a 7 hour plane ride away and will not be coming to visit until 2 weeks after birth….DH and I have decided we dont want to be bombarded asap. If we need/want help sooner we will let them know, but thats our rule.

2) Labor. As I said my folks dont live here but IL’s do. We’re not having anyone at the hospital either a) because of the “you have no idea how long this will last” aspect. Whats the point of sitting around for 5, 10, 15 hours and missing work/nights sleep for nothing? b) I think there’s a manditory 2 hour wait after the baby is born before anyone can come in anyways, c) one of my rules is that I want some recovery before people come in. Maybe I’ll feel like it after 2 hours, but maybe I need more time? I have no idea, but what I dont want is to feel pressure and rushed into letting people in because they’ve been sitting out there for 10 hours! I personally couldnt give a crap how long they are out there, its their choice… they can sleep on the floor for 2 days, not my problem. The problem is…. the constant badgering once baby is OUT…..why cant we come in yet why cant we come in yet why cant we come in yet….. THATS what I dont want!

For the above reasons we arnt even telling people Im in labor. Right now the plan is to call once she’s been born. My mom and Dh dad are so high strung they would literally be harassing us every 5 minutes “whats going on, wheres the baby, is she here yet, whats going on???????????”……and well if they dont get immediate responses to msgs they freak out (on a normal day)…. our focus needs to be elsewhere during that time lol.

You never know how your going to feel once it happens and even I dont know…. plans might change, I may want diff things, but as of this moment I know what I want NOW. But….I will have an open mind. Im lucky my DH supports whatever I want or need. I would also look into getting a doula once your pg… she will help you and your DH communication about your wishes for the birth and post birth. Sometimes all a man wants is support and thats her job. He will likely rely less on his family and focus more on your needs if you have someone he can trust too.

 

Post # 15
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

You may find that when you go through your birthing classes, hearing from a third party on how important it is to limit visitors may help get your DH on board. At ours, they really stressed momma bonding with baby, how tired both you and baby will be, etc. 

since your mom won’t be there and your goal is a natural birth, having a doula might be a good idea. that could also help limit how many people are in L&d with you.

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