How to get past previous cheating in a new relationship

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

@worldtraveler: I don’t exactly have any advice, but I do think your decision to do premarital counseling and hold off a little on getting married is a great idea. I think the counseling alone may seriously help with this issue.

Post # 5
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I can tell you from being in the position of your fiance and to dealing with a similar situation with mine, that its a slow process.
I did not cope well at all when i found out my previous long term bf had cheated on me and it resulted in my loosing the trust of most people i knew, as how could i tell who to trust anymore?
I took me a long LONG time to get to the point where i could open myself up again to be in another relationship, and even thought i know my SO loves and adores me it seriously something i stil struggle with. He has two good female friends, and they get under my skin like nobodys business!
My SO knows how much they get to me and constantly resures me i have nothing to worry about when i am being a jealous manic b****.
Its not the feelings of the ex that are the problem, but of having somebody who was so close to your heart break the trust that you put in them thats the worst part. And so you guard your heart and at the slightest incling im going to hurt again, a massive wall goes up, where before would be benefit of the doubt.
I dont need to be constantly reminded by my SO but i do appreciate when he reminds me that it is me he is marrying and plannign a life with and not these other girls. Im the one he put a dimond on the ring finger and not them.
I personally feel better when he tells me converstaions or when he sees them, all the little stuff that may not matter, reassures me hes not hiding anything.
I think you really need to reasure him you arent going anywhere, and its him you want to be with, not your other male friends. invite him to hang out with them, and encourage them to develop their own friendship and he will soon see that they arent a threat to him.

Post # 6
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

I have a bit of a different background story… my FH’s mother had an affair when my FH was 19 and he was the one who caught her. It affected him quite a lot, and he was hesitant to trust me because of it. 

For a while, if I went out, I told him where I was going, who I was going with, and when I expected to be back. When I got back, I’d give him the three sentence summary of what happened. For whatever reason, it made him feel better. It took some time, and a lot of reassurance, but it worked. He rarely gets “paranoid” (as he called it) anymore.

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