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My cousin, age 26, has once again chosen to return to her abusive boyfriend. This guy was always emotionally/verbally abusive but it escalated on several occasions to the point that she was bleeding and bruised, and she was motivated by her parents to file a police report. She moved out of her parents' house and in with a friend to try to escape from him for a while. She struggles with a lot of emotional and mental issues including depression, but she seemed motivated to work on her life and get things under control. To make matters worse, she has a three year old son. She is very lucky to have such a supportive family as her mother has always been, for the most part, her son's primary caregiver, but once she had to move out, her son stayed with his grandparents. For about a month, things seemed to be improving, but tonight she apparently decided to "see things through" with her abusive ex (those are her words).

Please help, girls. Does anyone have experience with trying to help a friend out of a situation like this? If you have been in an abusive relationship - what could someone have said to you to help? We are all so scared for her and her baby and are totally at a loss for what to do.

Thank you girls for your input - I think that most of the family has moved to a "tough love" way of dealing with her because they're just so hurt by her repeatedly endangering herself and her son. Unfortunately I live very far from her so I can't be there physically for her but I definitely plan to reach out in a carefully worded letter. Any suggestions on what to say?

For someone in an abusive relationship, the "tough love" approach is the worst thing you can do.  I really can't stress this enough.  This will drive her further away and she will be even more isolated.  The best thing you can do is to support her, check in with her frequently, and let her know that you love her and are there for her.  I'd encourage her family to do the same.

I have so been there. No one, nothing could get me out of it. I just had to realize it on my own. It was honestly like one day I woke up and knew in my heart it was over and I was done. I had not been happy for a long time, it was just getting up the acutal courage to leave. That was the hardest part for me... so maybe encouraging her to think about her life outside of HIM and being without him would help.

I was deeply in love with him and we had a very emotional connection that I will probably never have again with anyone (this is for the best). It was hard to let go of the intensity and drama of that relationship, but thankfully something in me finally just snapped.

I have self-esteem issues and that was a big reason I kept hanging on.

Lucky for me, I met my current SO not too long after the split and he's been amazing. I finally know what it's like to be respected, loved, and treated right. I didn't know how bad it really was until I was in a healthy, loving relationship.

I hate to say this, but from my experience she has to learn on her own. I know that is probably not what you want to hear and hard to accept, but when her heart is so deeply involved with this man no one can say much to make her let go. It's truly awful and a really tough situation. I wish you the best of luck and I hope and pray she gets out of that relationship safe and happy.

Tea also makes a really good point! I had NO clue where I would go. I had no one to live with, no family that lived close by. I think if I'd had the money or resources to leave, I probably would have left sooner.

I had to ask my grandparents for money for a rental deposit, but they gladly paid since I was leaving him.

@EleanorRigby: This is 100% the best advice.

kirabee, I also recommend calling a domestic violence/abuse hotline for any advice that may be specific to your cousin's circumstances. These hotlines aren't just to support abused women, they're also there to support those who are trying to help.

@EleanorRigby: I definitely agree, but unfortunately that's how her mother and sister have reacted this time. They're especially angry because at this time, she has literally abandoned her son, since her mom will not allow her to endanger him by bringing him around the boyfriend.

@gocubbies: Thanks for sharing your experience. She has definitely always has self esteem issues that has led her to have a series of unhealthy relationships (she was married once, divorced several months later, got pregnant with another guy who didn't even stick around to see the baby born). She definitely has a ton of resources (she was still living with her parents who have made it clear that she can always come back home, our grandparents live close, her sister lives on her own locally, the friend that took her in last time, another cousin of ours who lives close), but it just seems like he's the only one she will listen to right now.

Here's a draft of the email I plan to send to her, please let me know what you think:

"[Cousin],

I really cannot imagine what it must feel like to be you. I'm turning 24 later this month and I cannot imagine being pregnant, giving birth, or raising a baby. You've shown such strength raising [baby] on your own, he's really an amazing kid. Though you've had your struggles, I really have looked up to you over the past few years. I'm sure it's hard to feel like you've given so much to another person and to want things for yourself. It is absolutely true that you need to be your own person and work on yourself before you can care for others in your life. Unfortunately, I really think you're going about it in the wrong way.

I know what it feels like to be so consumed by loving another person that you really feel like you can't survive without them. I really don't have any doubts that you love him. But a person who can hurt their partner emotionally, mentally, and physically does not love you. A person that takes you away from your family and friends does not love you. A person that forces you to leave your son does not love you. A person who loves you will do everything to be with you and do anything to make you happy. Is this decision truthfully making you happy? Being with the right person should be easy. If it's not easy, it's not right.

You have people in your life who care so much about you, you know what real love feels like.

Please know that even though I live far away and we haven't always been very close, I'll always be here if you want to talk, without judgment. I love you so much."

@kirabee: 

If it's not easy, it's not right. Yes, yes yes. This is so true. I think your letter is really heartfelt and does not attack or belittle her in any way. It's great. You are a great person for caring so much and writing this letter to her. I know if I'd gotten a thought out letter like this it would have really made me think. Good luck with everything, I wish you (and her) the best!!

@gocubbies: Thanks, your input is really helpful. I'm hoping that since I'm somewhat more removed from the situation than her other family and friends that she can see me as an ally.

@Mrs Grape and @jayce: Somehow I missed your responses earlier. Thank you so much for your input, I'm going to try to reach out to her first and will definitely consider contacting a hotline.