Post # 1
I’ve seen a few posts here talking about the MIL equivalent of the Bridezilla, and that’s not quite what this is. I like my FMIL and FFIL very much, and get on well enough with all my future in-laws. However, my fiance’s parents (and, to a lesser extent, siblings) seem to feel a deep need to offer advice on every aspect of our wedding plans. They ask what we are planning for, say, catering and then give their opinions on our responses. This is driving both myself and my fiance somewhat up the wall. However (big however!) I do like these people, and in the ordinary way of things this wouldn’t be a problem, not least because I know it’s from genuine conern rather than any desire to be controlling (FMIL is an inveterate worrier – it’s sweet, but irritating!). I’d like a polite way of telling them “Sod off! It’s our wedding and we’re paying for it – if we want your advice, we’ll ask you!”. I don’t want to give offence and while I’m not afraid of resorting to bluntness (I have told my mother that if she can’t cope with my wedding date she’s free not to come to the wedding) I do very much want to try something less confrontational first!
I also think that there’ some merit in setting a precedent here – in general, my fiance’s family are somewhat freer with advice than I’m necessarily comfortable with, and I fear that this may become problematic later down the line when there are (I hope!) small children.
Again, I emphasise that I’m seeking something polite and not too confrontational, and thanks in advance for your replies!
Post # 3
Once you find the answer to your question, please let me know!
Post # 4
Can you try just saying, thanks for the advice, but we’re going to do x. Over and over until they get the hint? LOL or “We really appreciate your adivce but we’re really excited about our decisions for our special day”.
Perhaps your FI should sit them down nicely and say something to them about how you’d both like to plan this day the way you would like and that you’d both appreciate it if they would keep judgemental comments to themselves.
Post # 5
I’ve seen other posts on this topic and the best advice I’ve seen is to tell them as little as possible -cheerfully, breezily, and vaguely. “what caterer have you chosen?” “oh someone good, you’ll love it!” “who is it?” “we’re so excited, we’re keeping it a surprise!” “what are you doing for x decor” “oh gosh, I’m still working though that” – let them offer opinions, but if you don’t reveal your choices they can’t critisize them. Good luck!
Post # 7
I would just let them give their opinion. Everyone will have gone you just have to know which ones to actually consider. Weddings are important peels parents want to feel like they’ve had some part in the planning.
Post # 8
Next time they ask about your plans, tell them that you want it to be a surprise. lol Or you can just say something along the lines of, “Thank you for your advice, but we’d really like to do it THIS way.”
Post # 9
Thanks, you guys. I think something along the lines of “thank you for your input, but we’d already considered those points when coming to a decision” would work quite well. The trouble with just letting them speak and ignoring it is that they are so eager to “help” that it is sometimes pretty difficlt for FI or I to keep our tempers. Hopefully this will also get easier to ignore now we won’t be seeing them for a while…
Post # 10
@Aquilina: Maybe just say ‘thanks so much for your helpful advice, but I have my own ideas for _____.’
Post # 11
@Aquilina: That’s important – and by ignoring the behavior, you are also sending the message that it’s OK. So, that behavior will probably continue if/when you’re pregnant…when the baby’s here…etc. You’ll probably get it anyway, but at least you can diminish it some. FI should takem ore of a lead, even approach his parents and tell them, “We appreciate your help on everything, but she and I are settled on everything. It’s going to be great – just wait and see.”
Post # 12
We deal with something like this too. We keep everything strictly on a need to know basis — if we don’t get the question, we don’t give info, and if we do, we try to be vague.
We like to say things that make it sound like we’ll consider things when we won’t.
“Ooh, there’s an idea, thanks, we’ll think about that.”
“That’s interesting, let me look into that.”
For more negative: “Hmm… I dunno…. maybe…. [subject change.]”
If you answer in a way that simply acknowleges without agreeing or disagreeing, they can’t get upset, and when they show up at the wedding and it’s different, they’re not exactly going to complain. (I mean how rude would that be? You could just laugh that off!) For that to work though, you have to quietly take them out of the loop and only give them info they really need to know.
On a couple of religious issues, FH has stepped in — something that needs a plain and simple no should be HIS job, as it’s his family. Stuff like:
“Thanks for the idea, though I’m not really sure it fits into our plans.”
And in one instance, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m sorry, we’re not comfortable with that.”
Post # 13
@CookieCreamCakes: Most of the time, FI does take a lead in setting the tone with his family, but he finds this as vexatious as I do, and so having a stock put-down for the pair of us is probably a good idea.
@Bebealways: We’ve been trying that. Unfortunately, it’s going to be low-key enough that they already know most of what we’re planning, and it’s tricky to hide the fact that we’ve been location scouting.