how to handle family members asking for money

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

audrey_lane:  You two need to get on the same page about this even if you have to see a counsellor or mediator. You are a family now, and dealing with your own finances needs to be your priority. While you still have student loans, bills to pay, a down payment to save etc is not the time to be giving away money to his entitled nephew. How you use your money should be a joint decision, not his alone.

People can only take advantage of you to the extent that you let them, and your DH is letting him.

Post # 3
Member
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

That is insane. Unless you’re a damn rockefeller its nuts to have people on your bankroll. Especially that little nephew shit! And his sister? She has a working husband- they need to provide for themselves!

i think you and your hubs need to practice saying no! 

And because the precedent has been set you both need to unset it asap. “I’m sorry ____, but we need to focus on our own family’s future”

the nephew should get a much less diplomatic explanation.

Post # 4
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yeah I’d be shuttin all this down so fast.  I can kind of/sort of see helping his mom occasionaly but not the rest of the able bodied people.  His family is using him and unless you want to become a part of that you need to put a stop to all this bs and save money for your own future.

Post # 5
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

audrey_lane:  You two need to get on the same page about finances.  Lieing about your finances, or having one person make decisions in isolation, is a major issue that could split you up in the future.  It’s ok if you two decide that you’d like to subsidize expenses for his mom and sister, but this nephew is clearly out of control.  You need to come to a compromise that you can both agree on.

 

Post # 8
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that his nephew gets zero. I can understand a little money to the women who raised him, but not to a nephew in the prime of his life. I just can’t wrap my head around adults doing this.

I would tell DH that if he pays the nephew again then it comes out of something your husband enjoys. Either that or you refuse to do some household job you usually do for him. He needs to understand that you are a team and any money you give needs to be agreed upon.

And I think all bank accounts should be shared so there’s no possibility of him doing it secretly.

Post # 9
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I want to defend your husband a little, because what’s the point of having money if it can’t make you happy? Dining out and weekend trips make you happy, does supporting his mother make him happy?  Some men spend on golfing, or motorcycles, or electronics, it seems like this is his weakness.  The problem isn’t where he’s spending money, it’s how much he’s spending.      

I think you need to write out a budget (yes, difficult when his income isn’t steady), and decide your monthly spending as well as your long-term financial goals.  Decide together how much you need to save for your mortgage, emergency fund, for your retirement fund, paying off student loans.  There will be some fun money leftover, which you can spend on new shoes and he can spend on family gifts.  If you plan on having kids, you’ll be relying solely on his income for a while, and he won’t be able to continue spending the way he does.               

Post # 7
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Oh, honey, no. How long will you allow them to drain your bank account? Are they employed? I understand helping a parent, within limits. For a sister….ehh maybe once a year, but ONLY if she is working full time and still struggling… Though I think she can make it in her own. For the nephew, I would have knocked him on his ass a long time ago.

Time to get hubby on the same page- visuals help, so make a budget- money in vs. money out. ” after bills, groceries, helping mom, we have $x left over for savings and kids’ college funds. If we continue to encourage nephew to act like a child by funding him, then our family will suffer monetarily.”

Perhaps if he can see the numbers, he can wake up…and grow a pair. This isn’t just HIS money anymore, and his family isn’t entitled to a single cent… Especially that lazy, gold digging nephew.

Post # 11
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Unfortunately this is a situation that should have been dealt with before you got married and if you didn’t know about it then you should have discussed it.  It’s one thing to help out an aging person close to or at retirement, it’s another thing to help out another able bodied adult because she’s put herself in a porr financial position.

At this point you are stuck with the situation so you need to discuss it with your husband and it might be wise to keep your finances separated entirely.  Sit down and show him the money coming in and the money going out so he can actually see how it’s affecting your financial future.  If he doesn’t care then you need to be scared.

Post # 12
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If you have combined finance you need to have a frank discussion. My brother is a mess and will ask for money about a billion more timea during our lives. I will never ever give him one sent. He isn’t responsible with money so he doesn’t deserve the money I worked hard for, FI gets this. I would be happy to but him a nice dinner or something sometimes because I can afford a few more luxuries that him, but I will not give him money to spend with reckless abandon. 

You and your husband need to work out something you both agree with. Yes, help out his mom. Sure, buy nice Christmas gifts and help out when people are actually in need. Of course you wouldnt want his family to be hungry or living on the streets but that’s not what they are asking for. A vacation is a want, not a need. You don’t need to fund that.

Post # 13
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

1) your husband needs to be paying half the bills. Then maybe he will see that he has less money than he thinks and won’t feel as guilty.

 

2) you should not be paying for anything but gifts of your own choosing for Christmas/birthdays for a family that brings in $135k, let alone one where one half of the working age members make that much.

 

3) it may help if you were to work out how much money goes to his family (as a whole) then how much goes to bills, to savings, to student loans and to future children.  I would point out that it is unfair for him to give so much money to his family and none to yours – there should be some more fairness there. (Whether you would actually give that money is kind of immaterial, there is a principle involved.)

4) your budget should be worked out to reflect each of you putting in an amount of money to your lifestyle you are both able to pay that does not lead to the other subsidizing them beyond what is fair. For some people this means putting money for expenses together (contributing a set amount each pay check) and the rest of yr money is yours to do with as you please. For other people this means putting your paycheck into common purse and taking a set amount of money as personal money each paycheck. Either way, you should be getting an even amount of money to spend how you see fit and his family (or everyone other than his mom) can come out of his money. At that point you don’t get a say over how much goes to the nephew, but you do get a say as to what of your money goes where. 

Post # 14
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Kitty79:  I’m not outraged her husband is spending money on his family.  Nope!  Don’t you think he was spending money on his family before marriage????? This probably isn’t a surprise to OP, it’s just a surprise to me the issue wasn’t resolved before getting married. 

OP also said he pulls in more money each year, so it’s not like he’s sitting on his butt watching tv while she’s slaving at work.  And I come from a culture where helping out your family financially is very common and almost an expectation, so I understand that.  And I think everybody wastes money on fun stuff (I certainly didn’t need that Starbucks coffee this morning), it’s just a question of wasting within your means. 

Personally, I see this as “We’re not agreeing on how our money should be spent” and if OP doesn’t want her DH to get “sensitive and defensive about his family”, that’s the route she should take.  If she goes in swinging with “You’re throwing away MY money” it’s going to lead to a huge argument.       

Post # 15
Member
6504 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly? I wouldn’t have married into this and I would likely not be able to stay in a relationship like this. I can see helping out his mom and sister a very little bit but the rest needs to stop.

At this point I would start splitting bills and not have any combined accounts. You have your money and he has his money- if he wants to use his money to pay for them than he can go ahead and do that.

Post # 16
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can see helping his mother, who sounds like she truly needs the support, and maybe his sister, but he needs to shut down the nephew – he needs to tell him that he doesn’t have the extra money. 

The nephew’s kids are getting older – they don’t need expensive gifts from their great-uncle – if he wants to get them gifts, send a small giftcard or gift for their birthdays, not whatever nephew tells him they want. 

For the sister (and even the mother) – if they need money for important things, maybe he can cover specific things instead of sending cash. For instance, have his sister send him her electric bill (or pick whatever one item), and he pays that. That way you can at least guarantee the money is going to where it is needed, not just spending money.

Also, cut out the over-the-top gifts for Christmas for the sister. Completely unnecesary – she’s an adult; he doesn’t even really need to get her a gift. If he feels he must, get her something small as a nice gesture. He’s giving her money all year – that is a gift already.

How to get your DH to do all this is the difficult part – I never recommend counseling, but for this, it might be the best option. He needs someone objective to tell him to stop… you and he are both too close to the situation.

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