Post # 1
A little background; Ever since we got engaged there’s been increasing friction with FIs family. FI is 40 years old, the eldest of 3, the 2nd to get married. FIs family are not contributing to the wedding financially.
Nearly everything we disclosed was received negatively with particular judgement on the amount we’re spending. We are not being especially extravagant, our wedding is coming in under £12k (GBP) Due to this we stopped sharing any details about the wedding with his family unless we have to. We’re being as tactful as possible about this but rather than helping it seems to be making things worse.
As things stand FBIL isn’t going to FIs stag do, FSIL and FI are barely talking and FI & FMIL are having increasingly frequent arguments which I am doing everything I can to stay out of. It’s gotten to the stage any reference to the wedding is rocky ground between them and he recently said he’s had enough and is considering cutting them all out of his life which I found very upsetting.
I’m off work this week and this morning FMIL called me at home saying she wanted to run through some details for the wedding. I explained FI was at work and asked if she could call back this evening and run through things with us together, to which she replied she’d given up trying to talk to him, he was impossible to deal with. I didn’t know how to respond to that. She had a list of questions, none of which urgent or important, I tried to hedge some and answer others as discretely as possible. She phrased most as if she’d already discussed it with FI for example;
FMIL ‘Now I think FI mentioned it’s £x per child for the childminder. is that right?’
Me ‘Well no it’s £x but FI & I are paying for the childminder’
When I got off the phone I called FI and he hasn’t spoken to FMIL about any of the things she asked, he’s actively refused to discuss some. She obviously deliberately tricked me into disclosing information FI had refused to discuss, I’m really annoyed and FI is livid. I don’t want him to have another, even worse, row with her. I want him to reconcile with his family but I’m out of ideas how to handle things, nothing seems to work! Yet again I could do with some advice…
Post # 2
Steph77: Simply say, “Sorry, you’ll need to talk when FI is here”. I know you tried that and FMIL fooled you once, but now you know her tactic, you should be able to avoid being fooled again. But continue to do what you were trying to do: let FI handle his family. It sounds like you and FI are on the same page. So long as that is the case, you will be alright.
Post # 3
Agreed with aussiemum1248. That’s a tough situation. Sorry to hear they are being so judgy.
Post # 4
I’d advise your FI to send a reconciliatory message to his family saying ”I’m sorry that we’ve had so many arguments regarding our wedding. I’m especially sorry because all I really want is for you guys to turn up and have a good time. Please don’t feel like you have to worry about finances or any aspect of the wedding apart from getting to the hotel the day before and celebrating with us. We’ll be sending out a program later on with any important information about the day, so you’ll have all the info you need well in advance. In the meantime, lets just not talk about the wedding and please just turn up on the day and have a blast… that’s all that matters to me” ?
Post # 5
Steph77: As my husband’s always says – “No pay, no say.”
When we were married, his family knew the date, time, and place, and nothing more.
I really feel sorry for you, and your situation. If his family is being so negative/toxic about something that they shouldn’t have a vote in, it doesn’t bode well, for the future (i.e. I’d never trust his manipulative mother again).
Post # 6
geneva2: aussiemum1248: Thanks. I really just want to fix things between FI and his family, it’s all so silly, but it’s not something I can get in the middle if without making things worse.
amanda3334455: Thanks, it’s a good idea but I’m afraid it won’t fly. I’ve suggested similar and he dismissed it. I’ve tried suggesting we all sit down and try talk it out but he says there’s no point. He says they’re impossible to talk to, they say he’s impossible to talk to…. ARGHHH!
PABride: Thanks. The crazy thing is whilst the whole family is a little drama llama amongst themselves I never had issues with them before we got engaged. FMIL is actually a really nice lady, I’m hoping once the weddings done the drama will die down too but if it doesn’t I’m going in with my eyes wide open, he’s worth it.
Post # 7
I wholeheardtely agree with the prior posts, you need to set boundries, she is showing you that she doesnt respect her son/ your future husband or you and she goes around him to get what she wants. The boundry really should be set by your FI with his family so that they know not to go around him to get to you… that could be very disaterous.
The other thing is, screen your calls you don’ t have to answer just because she calls, let her leave a message stating what she wants and then you and your FI, if you so choose can call her back when its convenient.
If you don’t set boundries with her now, it will only get worse. unfortunatley, you can’t fix things within his family and I think that is a mistake for you to try, trust me It will only backfire on you, I have seen it happen. His family will have to work through their issues, which were likley there before you got engaged, you just didnt see them. The best think you can do is be a support to your FI and let them work that out. For the love of God, PLEASE don’t try to fix it, it will only case you more pain in the long run.
Trust me it will be hurtful when they say to you ” who are you, you are just in in law, but out”.
Just my advice.
Hope things get better.
Post # 8
aussiemum1248: This is such sound advice.
Post # 9
creeative1: Thanks. I know you’re right and I’m not trying to fix things (other than privately suggesting options to my FI) I just wish I could!
Screening calls is a good suggestion. I always take her calls even at work because shes not young, she lives alone and her pet dog is elderly and ill. Shes called us in an emergency before, I’d hate to ignore that call but I suppose you’re right she could leave a message
Post # 10
I totally get that you want to be there because his mother is aging, but there still has to be boundries and if you are worried about her, it’s like you said, she can leave a message. If you are guys are really concerned perhaps you guys should consider getting her a life alert that way she can press a button and they will notify you guys if there is an emergency.