How to handle FMIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

amber12358:  Well, essentially, if you’re just involving her for the cash, which apparently seems to be how she feels, I can’t blame her. You want her to pay for stuff, but plan the wedding your way. Does she get a say in anything or an opinion? Have you involved her beyond the rehearsal dinner (which I don’t conider involving since she’s paying for it)?

Seems like this whole issues is because all of you have money on the mind. She should be mature and nice about how she approaches things, so I’m sorry she made you cry, but I just think there is more to this.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  megz06.
Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

amber12358:  Sounds like my FMIL – say one thing, do another.  

So she’s NOT contributing and giving your FI a hard time?  About what?  

Post # 5
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Did you give her free reign over the rehearsal? Because you should have if she’s paying for it. Its considered a gift.

Post # 6
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

amber12358:  I could only assume since your whole post was about money she paid and wouldn’t pay and you made no mention of involving her any other way. It was in poor taste to ask her to pay half of the flowers and everything else theat is “traditional” of being the groom’s parent’s responsibility. You state it in your OP like you did her a favor by offering her the opportunity to pay for them. If she was already paying for the rehearsal dinner (which, my understanding of traditional this is the only thing the groom’s family is truly responsible for), she probably feels very put out at the fact that you guys asked her to spend even more money. Like I said, is that any reason to treat you like crap? No, but she feels equally as upset.

I would talk to her. Not because you think she might have too many whiskey sours and be loud about the money issue to guests, but because you genuinely care that she’s upset, and you feel hurt. Tell her your feelings are hurt that she has made you feel bad about this, and you too are sorry if you made her feel bad because that wasn’t your intention (I hope).

Post # 9
Member
4797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

amber12358:  If I were her, I would’ve said, “I have XXX amount of money to contribute to the wedding, do with it what you will.” Too late for that I know, but then all this would’ve been eliminated.

Post # 10
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

I’m not reading the question the same way as other posters are. it sounds like she’s been involved and has been consulted and at first was alright with contributing but is now (after the fact) complaining about how much money she spent, and yet won’t let you take over paying for some of the things she was paying for. The OP wants certain things for her wedding (absolutely okay for her to want) and the FMIL is now making it about how it’s the bride’s fault that she’s paying so much, despite the fact that the bride has offered to take some of the expense off her hands. It sounds like she’s just being a whiner. What is it exactly that she wants? to go back in time and plan a simpler wedding like her daughters? I get sticker shock, but if she had had a problem with it she should have spoken up earlier. and now that she’s speaking up now, the bride is doing the appropriate thing by offereing to lower her expenditures and she’s refusing. it sounds like she’s just the squeaky wheel, making noise for the sake of noise. 

Post # 11
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Did she have the option of not paying for anything? I understand that at some point there were “traditional” roles for who paid for what but it’s my opinion that when two adults decide to marry, nothing is owed to them. 

Post # 13
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

amber12358:  no problem. You’re trying to provide a solution. You can only deal with what’s happening now, unfortunately “we should have”s are only helpful when talking to her. The way it stands, you’re trying to make it better, and she’s rejecting your offer. it doesn’t leave you with much else you can do apart from trying to talk to her with your FI and figure out what WOULD help her. Maybe she has a solution that she’s been passive aggressively withholding and trying to make you guess, or maybe she just wants to be upset about something. Time will tell!

Post # 15
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

I understand that you are doing things traditionally, but maybe your FMIL doesn’t have the money to contribute the way in which you’d like. She could simply be tapped out.

People get touchy when it comes to anyone getting in their pockets, And of course she should NOT be making you cry and lashing out at you.

Seeing how she’s behaving, maybe it’s a great idea not to have her pay for anything else.

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  absolutely_tati. Reason: LEFT A WORD OUT
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