How to handle friends pulling away

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to piss them off but that they are just upset and need some time away from you.  i don’t think there’s much you can do about that besides give them some space

Post # 4
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is rough and I don’t have any advice. I guess I understand why they would want to keep their distance from you- remember that is not your fault and try not to feel hurt by it, even though it is painful. A good friend of mine and I started trying at the same time this past summer (although without knowing it). She got her BFP in August and I was stoked for her but stressed since nothing for us. She ended up miscarrying at 9 weeks and I felt just terrible for her, and guilty for being jealous before. They’re trying again but no luck yet. I got my BFP in November and she guessed I was pregnant because my boobs are so huge (for me, normally I’m an A cup or less so it’s super noticeable). We haven’t seen each other since and I don’t want to push it. I miss her but I’m giving her a little space and letting her come to me. It’s easy since it’s the holidays and all and everyone is busy. Ok, I’ll stop rambling. I hope things improve with your friends, hang in there and keep being understanding and compassionate.

Post # 5
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MrsMath:  I’m going to say that you and DH have done nothing wrong. Now the rest of what I’m going to say is a bunch of assumptions =) I’m guessing that Joe & his wife are a)either having one heck of a time TTC, b) did get their BFP & had a m/c & that Joe/his wife are sad. 

I think that TTC is a super tough time in anyones life and if its complicated by fertility issues & possibly even miscarriages it could be difficult for them to be around you because they can only see that you are pregnant and they are not. I’m not saying that’s right by any means but if Joe or his wife or both of them aren’t in a good place right now because they on a tough journey then I’d just give them their space. That makes me sad for your DH since this is his best friend but sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. I wouldn’t take it personal, I’d just give them their space and let it be. They’ll come around when they’re ready.

Post # 6
4440 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think if you’re good enough friends with them then you should think about bringing it up, in person. If not then let it go.

Post # 7
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Do you think there is a possiblity she is pregnant and avoiding contact until safely in the 2nd tri? Or maybe had a miscarriage and going through a rough time but doesn’t want to talk about it? 

I’m just trying to offer up some other possible suggestions. 

Hopefully it’s nothing too bad and they will come around soon. You’ve made the effort. That’s all you can do. 

Post # 8
3378 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Even just after a year of ttc, it was already hard to watch others leave me behind.  If you couple that with the (admittedly making a stab in the dark here) potential that they might have had a miscarriage (most people don’t like to talk about their losses), then you can pretty much bank on this being a survival mode thing.  You don’t want to be anything but happy for the people who get lucky, but when you are in the middle of ttc and being left behind by more and more friends each month, it’s really really tough to fight the sadness and bitterness even though it’s not directed to you, just in general.  


I hope that makes sense.  

Post # 9
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I wouldn’t take it personally! This is such a sensitive subject for many couples. I’d give them the space they seem to want. Maybe your DH can go out with his friend and have a chat or whatever guys do. Reachign out via invitations is really all you can do, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep cancelling. It’s sad, but this is where THEY are. It has nothing to do with you, most likely.

Post # 10
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@MrsMath:  I’m going to reiterate what pps have said. It is nothing you have done but I can imagine, from their perspective, it is very hard. I’ve been married since last spring too and was struggling after 6 months TTC. It finally took 8 months and I then had a mc. I will admit, I avoid my friends as it is a reminder and it is a survival thing. Regardless if is struggles of TTC or a mc, it is very hard and it is difficult to be reminded that you are being left behind. 


Post # 11
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@MrsMath:  I think the PP’s nailed it. I don’t know that they suffered a miscarriage, but perhaps there are some fertility issues or other issues. Maybe seeing you is a reminder of what they want but can’t or don’t have. So many things are possible. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. I feel for you, but I think you should disconnect from the situation emotionally and leave them alone. Hopefully in time they will come around.  We can’t control the things others do, but we can control ourselves and our own lives. If they aren’t willing to invite you into their lives, it’s their loss. You seem like a nice person. Don’t stress yourself out. If you have a baby shower, invite her and let her know you’re looking forward to seeing her. If she’s absent, then that’s too bad. I think you’ve done plenty on your part. After that, I’d probably just leave them/her alone. I’m rambling now so I’ll stop. Go enjoy your pregnancy and the amazing things happening in your life! 🙂

Post # 12
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This is so sad for me to read about so I can only imagine how sad it is for you since these are your friends. I would talk to them about it. Obviously you’ve tried to see them in person but at this point I would do it over the phone, if not then maybe through a really sincere and thought out letter. 


I agree with bees above about a lot of what they’re saying, but what if you did do something “wrong” without realizing it? Maybe not. I guess I just never approach solving a problem by acting like I’m innocent.


Let them know that you genuinely miss them and their friendship is valuable to you.Tell them you’ve noticed changes in your relationship and you can’t help but wonder if you said or did anything that might have upset them. Begin with a tone of  “If I did anything or said anything that hurt you, I am so sorry.” Being vulnerable and open allows others to do the same.


Make sure you note that if space is what they need at this time, although it may be difficult for you because you love their company, you will give it to them.


Best of luck and HUGS.


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