Post # 1
My DH’s best friend Joe (not his real name) and his wife are our go to couple to hang out with. DH has known Joe his whole life and we used to see them at least once or twice a month to hang out. They got married last spring and we got married last summer. We used to talked about everything when we were together and right before the wedding the topic always settled on kids as we both planned to start TTC right after our perspective weddings. Well, they got married in the spring and still haven’t had luck TTC. We got our BFP on our first cycle TTC.
I knew it was going to be a sensitive subject so we had them over for dinner and told them at the end of the night. They seemed so happy for us and I thought it would be okay. However, we have only seen Joe maybe 4 times since then. Every time we try to get together with them, something comes up. When we do find time, Joe shows up and has some excuse why his wife couldn’t make it. We have only seen her once out of those 4 times. Finally a few weeks ago, we asked them 2 weeks in advance to go to dinner with us and they said yes. No one said a word about the pregnancy through the whole night even though I am definitely showing. They didn’t ask how I was or how things were going. It was just the big elephant in the room. I just brushed it off because I’m sure it’s hard for them.
I am feeling hurt and feel like they are cutting us out. We always have dinner the day after or a couple days after christmas to exchange gifts and celebrate the holidays together. We have sent them several messages to see when they are free and they haven’t answered. We have been going to their house for New Years for years now and when we were at dinner, they said they weren’t sure if they were going to do it this year and they would let us know. They still haven’t said anything to us. Another couple who is usually there as well wrote on their FB that they couldn’t wait for the New Years party. We have tried several means of getting in contact with them over the last week and haven’t heard anything. I sent a FB message and got nothing even though they both have made posts in the last few days.
I am sad and I feel bad for DH because he has never spent so little time with his best friend and he feels hurt. DH wants to take him out alone and have a talk about it, but Joe keeps canceling on him.
Any advise on how to handle this would be great. We have been racking our brains to think of anything else we might have done to piss them off and can’t think of anything. When DH has talked to Joe and asked if everything was okay he say “yes, everything’s great” and DH is too passive to actually confront Joe about all of this over the phone.
Post # 3
it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to piss them off but that they are just upset and need some time away from you. i don’t think there’s much you can do about that besides give them some space
Post # 4
This is rough and I don’t have any advice. I guess I understand why they would want to keep their distance from you- remember that is not your fault and try not to feel hurt by it, even though it is painful. A good friend of mine and I started trying at the same time this past summer (although without knowing it). She got her BFP in August and I was stoked for her but stressed since nothing for us. She ended up miscarrying at 9 weeks and I felt just terrible for her, and guilty for being jealous before. They’re trying again but no luck yet. I got my BFP in November and she guessed I was pregnant because my boobs are so huge (for me, normally I’m an A cup or less so it’s super noticeable). We haven’t seen each other since and I don’t want to push it. I miss her but I’m giving her a little space and letting her come to me. It’s easy since it’s the holidays and all and everyone is busy. Ok, I’ll stop rambling. I hope things improve with your friends, hang in there and keep being understanding and compassionate.
Post # 5
@MrsMath: I’m going to say that you and DH have done nothing wrong. Now the rest of what I’m going to say is a bunch of assumptions =) I’m guessing that Joe & his wife are a)either having one heck of a time TTC, b) did get their BFP & had a m/c & that Joe/his wife are sad.
I think that TTC is a super tough time in anyones life and if its complicated by fertility issues & possibly even miscarriages it could be difficult for them to be around you because they can only see that you are pregnant and they are not. I’m not saying that’s right by any means but if Joe or his wife or both of them aren’t in a good place right now because they on a tough journey then I’d just give them their space. That makes me sad for your DH since this is his best friend but sometimes there isn’t anything you can do. I wouldn’t take it personal, I’d just give them their space and let it be. They’ll come around when they’re ready.
Post # 6
I think if you’re good enough friends with them then you should think about bringing it up, in person. If not then let it go.
Post # 7
Do you think there is a possiblity she is pregnant and avoiding contact until safely in the 2nd tri? Or maybe had a miscarriage and going through a rough time but doesn’t want to talk about it?
I’m just trying to offer up some other possible suggestions.
Hopefully it’s nothing too bad and they will come around soon. You’ve made the effort. That’s all you can do.
Post # 8
Even just after a year of ttc, it was already hard to watch others leave me behind. If you couple that with the (admittedly making a stab in the dark here) potential that they might have had a miscarriage (most people don’t like to talk about their losses), then you can pretty much bank on this being a survival mode thing. You don’t want to be anything but happy for the people who get lucky, but when you are in the middle of ttc and being left behind by more and more friends each month, it’s really really tough to fight the sadness and bitterness even though it’s not directed to you, just in general.
I hope that makes sense.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I wouldn’t take it personally! This is such a sensitive subject for many couples. I’d give them the space they seem to want. Maybe your DH can go out with his friend and have a chat or whatever guys do. Reachign out via invitations is really all you can do, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep cancelling. It’s sad, but this is where THEY are. It has nothing to do with you, most likely.
Post # 10
@MrsMath: I’m going to reiterate what pps have said. It is nothing you have done but I can imagine, from their perspective, it is very hard. I’ve been married since last spring too and was struggling after 6 months TTC. It finally took 8 months and I then had a mc. I will admit, I avoid my friends as it is a reminder and it is a survival thing. Regardless if is struggles of TTC or a mc, it is very hard and it is difficult to be reminded that you are being left behind.
Post # 11
@MrsMath: I think the PP’s nailed it. I don’t know that they suffered a miscarriage, but perhaps there are some fertility issues or other issues. Maybe seeing you is a reminder of what they want but can’t or don’t have. So many things are possible. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. I feel for you, but I think you should disconnect from the situation emotionally and leave them alone. Hopefully in time they will come around. We can’t control the things others do, but we can control ourselves and our own lives. If they aren’t willing to invite you into their lives, it’s their loss. You seem like a nice person. Don’t stress yourself out. If you have a baby shower, invite her and let her know you’re looking forward to seeing her. If she’s absent, then that’s too bad. I think you’ve done plenty on your part. After that, I’d probably just leave them/her alone. I’m rambling now so I’ll stop. Go enjoy your pregnancy and the amazing things happening in your life! 🙂
Post # 12
This is so sad for me to read about so I can only imagine how sad it is for you since these are your friends. I would talk to them about it. Obviously you’ve tried to see them in person but at this point I would do it over the phone, if not then maybe through a really sincere and thought out letter.
I agree with bees above about a lot of what they’re saying, but what if you did do something “wrong” without realizing it? Maybe not. I guess I just never approach solving a problem by acting like I’m innocent.
Let them know that you genuinely miss them and their friendship is valuable to you.Tell them you’ve noticed changes in your relationship and you can’t help but wonder if you said or did anything that might have upset them. Begin with a tone of “If I did anything or said anything that hurt you, I am so sorry.” Being vulnerable and open allows others to do the same.
Make sure you note that if space is what they need at this time, although it may be difficult for you because you love their company, you will give it to them.
Best of luck and HUGS.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your insight. I think I will take the advice to give them space until they come around. You all are right that I have no idea if they have suffered a loss or are having a difficult time dealing with fertility issues. We will continue to check in with them occasionally, but leave getting together very open ended so that the ‘ball is in their court’. This is going to be harder on DH than on me as he is starting to get frustrated, but I will just try to explain to him what they could be going through. He is a caring guy, so i know he will understand and give them some space.