(Closed) how to handle jealous friends?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

First of all, congratulations!!  Like anything else in life, there are always going to be people that try to rain on your parade.  Easier said than done, but try to focus on how exciting this time in your life is…being engaged is ridiculously fun!  Engagements don’t last that long, so enjoy this time!  I definitely had people say some funky things to me too, but what I try to do is to share wedding related stuff with only the positive people in my life.  True friends should be happy for you.  If it keeps up, maybe mention to them that you would like a little more positivity and enthusiasm.  If I were hurting one of my friend’s feelings, I would definitely want to know about it.  Hope the situation gets better!

Post # 4
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I can completely relate, and I will tell you how I handled it…I IGNORED IT!  My MOH loves to tell everyone how she spent not a penny over $5000 for her wedding.  Her wedding was exactly what she wanted. 

Now she is my MOH and can say nothing but negative about every aspect of our over $5000 wedding.  I have never disclosed what we are spending, and we are not going overboard by a long shot, but she can tell that I am picking out options that are a bit more pricey. 

She at first was constantly making remarks about what we were choosing for our wedding:  "That’s expensive."  "You don’t have to have that."  "We didn’t need to have that for our wedding."  And so on, and you get the picture.

I think this jealousy and resentment came from several things.  She got married young, so of course they did not have as big as a budget as a couple that is older and more financially stable.  She also has inferiority complexes that go far back with her dad leaving and other family issues.  She has taste that is a little more….country…than what I would pick out for myself, and because of this, I don’t particularly care for her flower suggestions or dress suggestions.

So how did I deal with this?  I completely ignored it.  I think that she was hoping that she’d get me riled up and that she could justify me getting a "better" wedding by the fact that I’d be a bridezilla.  I knew this, and I am a fairly composed person, so I did not show any signs of annoyance or retaliation or even recognition of her catty comments. 

Eventually they have faded away, and now she is back to being my friend and my MOH.  It took awhile for her to get it out of her system though…

Post # 5
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

OMG i know exactly what you are going through. My gf for years is my closest best firend of all. And i asked her to come withme to try on dresses. Then told her about my plans on going to get married in hawaii. Then she said wow thats a great idea get maried with only your imnedate family. On the beachj of hawaii. plus i can have my honey moon there as well, and stay an extra week. So three days go by and she decieds i dont want to be in your wedding i have decided i want to get married in hawaii too. I literally dropped my mouth… Are you kidding me. She is not engaged and also has some seriours issues to work out before she even thinks about getting ready for a wedding. So shes literally making up a wedding. sehs planning it for aug 2010 in hawaii then broadcasting it on facebook and everywhere msn wedding blogs and shes not engaged. So i basically droped her as a friend. Cause instead of talking to me about her change of plans she wrote this huge blog on how i am an awful friend and i just say hate words about her pretend wedding. then i called her up and basically said what is going trough your head women. Knock it off. Then she said ok i am jealious of you getting married before me. So shes trying to get her wedding kicked off before i do. And she is doing the same theme. Stole my idea, like invitations and all the little ideas i had planned, i just wish i didnt tell her. arg i made an amens but i cant be more rude to say this i wish i didnt. shes hurt me in so many ways through my life. Not a real friend. Seriously. I feel your pain. I happy for your new news, and dont let anyone hurt you ITS YOUR BIG DAY SO ENOJOY IT WITH YOU AND YOUR HUNNY.

Post # 7
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I wish I couldn’t say I was in the same boat as you, but I am. After I chose my three BM, two of them broke up with their long-term boyfriends. Hello, jealousy. They kept going on and on about how I shouldn’t turn into a Bridezilla, and therefor anytime I opened my mouth I was afraid of talking about the wedding too much. They even went out and said they found black dresses they really liked (my colors are brown and pink). I finally talked to them (a little bit) and things are a tiny bit better. They’ve even said that they’ll wear whatever I want and be there for them. Le sigh. I wish we didn’t have to go through this with our friends.

Post # 8
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

yeah I know what youre talking about; I made a small circle of friends here in New York and many of my girlfriends are starting to pair off, my real friends are very happy for me of course especially those who are dating; I had one friend in the group who gets jealous of my friends dates; I mentioned  I could be moving to  England, she said what are you gpoing to do there? in a disdainful voice;  I brushed it off knowing she’s jealous of my other friends happiness so now maybe I’ll keep things to myself and those I know will be truly happy fo rme

 Little things but it can get to you and pull you down, I say just do your thing and be happy for yourself and dont let anyone ruin it for you

Post # 9
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

It totally sucks when the gf’s start getting jealous. My MOH has been a bridesmaid for I don’t know how many weddings and I know she got a little jealous when I started planning my wedding, but she was completely honest with  me about it and we had no issues. We’d joke about it instead and I would make sure to not talk about ONLY the wedding when I was talking with her. But two of my other gf’s who were my best friends from college pretty much stopped hanging out with me once I got engaged. One of them would try and she doesn’t have a car so that made hanging out hard, but she’s never had a bf so i know jealousy played a part. The other friend just hates when the attention isn’t on her. So she didn’t talk to me much and when we did talk, anytime the wedding came up (which was rare because I didn’t want to make things worse), she’d just kind of brush it off and change the subject. She didn’t even bother to come to the wedding, or even RSVP that she wasn’t coming, even though I know she was fully capable of coming. It made me mad, but I’ve forgiven and moved on. I had plenty of loved ones around, and I was used to attention-needy friend bailing on special occasions, so I didn’t let it bother me. But the best thing I think to do is ignore it. Talk about your wedding to friends that you know actually give a darn. But be careful, also, to not make your wedding the only topic of conversation. That’s hard to do, but even your most loving of friends can tire of hearing about it.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

It is hard.  There are so many angles that a girl can be coming from when her friend gets married.  If she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she might be thinking, "Is this ever going to happen to me?"  If hse’s been dating a guy for a long time and no ring, she’s probably thinking….. well same thing.  If she’s already married, she  could just be jealous of her own wedding being over with, or if yours is more expensive.  So many things….

I think the easiest thing might be to invlove them with wedding details as little as possible.  If you do something and want to mention in an e-mail in a breezy way, "Let me know if you’d like to join me."  That’s fine.  See who wants to be there to help.  But if your friends are feeling jealous, perhaps they realize they are having ugly feelings, they don’t want to have.  If not sooner, hopefully after the wedding is over, they’ll return to normal.  I’ve had jealous feelings before, although not about weddings.  I sometimes had a hard time getting a grip on some feelings.  But eventually everything works itself out.

Post # 11
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

The snarky comments totally suck – sorry to hear about that!  But as for friends that don’t ask about the wedding planning, that’s probably for the best.  After all, if they have nothing nice to say, it’s better that they don’t say anything at all, right?  I would rather not share the details with people who are going to be negative about it.

Post # 12
Member
14 posts
Newbee

CONGRATS!!! It’s your day it’s all about you! if your "friends" aren’t going to be there for you then you might want to think about not having them in the wedding or not talking to them!  I am in a wedding that has had ALOT of drama… the bride decided to stop being friends with the MOH… Which I was A-ok with bc I didn’t like her… while planning her bridal shower one of the BM that is already married and the bride to be was in her wedding tried to cut expenses in every way possible ( and pick the colors that the bride told her she didn’t want!)… she didn’t even want to have a cake! Well I just cut her out of the WHOLE planning process and everything has gone very smoothly! …. you need to be supported during this time and surround yourself with positive people! everything will work out!

Post # 13
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I am so sorry to hear about all of that! What is the matter with people? Please don’t let it ruin your day and the planning!!! Congratulations, and good luck ignoring all of the foolish drama.

Post # 14
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow, I can so relate to so many of the things I read on this board! It’s funny when you realize how universal some things must be!

I have a similar situation with a childhood friend and it is something that does make me sad, but I’m trying to be understanding. She went through an awful situation with an engagement, basically her exclusive boyfriend of many, many years walked on her completely out of the blue after she announced their engagement to her family. It was just devastating for her.

So when I mentioned that I have set a timeline for getting married (albeit a long one, ha ha!) I feel like things changed in our relationship. I understand this must bring up a lot of bad memories for her particularly since we are so close, but it’s hard.

I haven’t gotten comments about the wedding per se but just in general I feel like I get a lot of snippy comments like you mentioned. You know, the kind of thing where you ask someone what time it is and they roll their eyes and say "For goodness sakes, why don’t you buy a watch!" instead of just telling you the darn time.

It is a hard thing…in my case I can understand to a degree and I am hoping we’ll work through it. I feel like a friendship is just like any relationship, you have your ups and downs and high and low points. The people who are truly your friends will still be there when it’s all said and done.

Post # 15
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can relate! I have a cousin who I always thought would be in my wedding. i haven’t asked her and have hesitated because about a yr ago we had a falling out, although things are better now, since I have been engaged she hasn’t had the reaction I thought she would have. She doesn’t ask me about the wedding, the planning, nothing. She is going through some stuff and broke up with hre BF last october. I haven’t officially asked anyone to be in my wedding yet. there are 2 good friends who have an idea they will be a bridesmaid, and my friend who I have known since I was 14 who will be my MOH. They have all been very supportive. I am not even sure what to do with my cousin, to ask not to ask her, will she even care?

So, I feel your pain.

Post # 16
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh this drives me UP A WALL.  I hate when people, especially friends and especially women, get jealous of the fact that I’m getting married (or of anything else) and act it out through hostility or passive aggressiveness.  Envy is normal but acting it out is not.

Ignore and pity them.  But most importantly spend your time around the people who are HAPPY for you, I can’t stress that enough…Most of my BM’s are envious unfortunately.  Three of them got divorced by jerks.  One was engaged and it was broken off, and she’s unhappy she can’t find anyone.  Fortunately I barely see these girls.  The other is my brother’s girlfriend and they can’t get married yet until he finds work and he’s chronically unemployed, they’ve been together almost 10 years.  Envy, envy, envy.  

However, my MOH is happily married, had a great wedding (in which I was her MOH) and she is AWESOME.  She is the one I contact most.  She’s the only one I can jump up and down for joy endlessly about getting married, she doesn’t tire of hearing my plans or seeing me so happy.  This is the type of people you should spend your engagement time with!!  You’ll see such a difference!

And…spend some time on this website!! I’ve gone for more support and conversations here than ANYONE! All of us Bees are happy for you! 🙂

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