Post # 1
Hi everyone! My brother was married last year, and my step mom was, to be nice, a terrorist. She threw a fit when no one acknowledged her in the toasts, stormed out of the rehearsal dinner, and scowled her way through his big day.
I don’t have a relationship with her, though she’s been married to Dad for 10 years. She’s a controlling and abusive woman, and I’m lucky that I’m even allowed to talk to my dad. I am not allowed to see him without her present. Seriously.
SO, you can see why I don’t really want her involved in my wedding next year. I’m already feeling the tension from Dad “Why don’t you give L a call and tell her about [whatever wedding thing]?”
I know he’s trying to make her feel included so she doesn’t behave how she did at Brother’s wedding. Honestly, if I had my way, I wouldn’t invite her at all! I don’t need the drama.
I want our big day to be about us, not her. Does anyone have any advice on how I can address this issue up front? I am wading into dark waters here!
Post # 3
Be honest with your dad and say that you would not like to have a repeat of what happened at your brother’s wedding. Maybe phrase it in a way that you want to make sure that she does feel included. Something like, “I noticed that at Brother’s wedding, Step Mom seemed very upset, and I really do not want that to happen at my wedding.”
Post # 4
Depending on who is paying for the wedding (obviously this won’t work if your dad is paying), I’d have a security guard (I think most venues have included security anyway) keep an eye on her and bounce her if she starts to act dramatic/throw a fit.
Post # 5
HA! FH and I are paying because we figure any help from family would come with strings attached (doesn’t it always?! Haha).
(Brother paid as well, that’s why I can’t understand the immaturity!)
Post # 6
@AndcjSaid: Yeah that’s why I asked. Anyway, she shouldn’t be surprised to be bounced, she can choose to act like an adult or not. I really have no tolerance for that kind of drama.
Post # 7
@AndcjSaid: I would let your dad know up front that you have no relationship with this woman and the only other woman on that day who deserve recognition is your biological mother. Tell him you notice how she behaved during the wedding and you will not tolerate her behaving like that at yours. Let him know NOW that all wedding planning is between you and FI and that stepmom’s name is not going on any stationary such as invites nor will she be mentioned.
I am so glad my DH’s stepmother is such a nice woman. Geez these stepmother stories hurt me.
Post # 8
@LuvMySailor: I second that
But it also depends on how understanding your dad is. If your dad is reasonable i will flat out tell him “look, I don’t have a relationship with this (woman) and I invited her as guest in respect of you. I won’t tolerate any misbehaved like how she reacted at brother’s wedding. If she (the woman) wants to attend the wedding she needs to learn how to play nice. Otherwise, she will have the option not to come.
Bottom line is – FI and I have an understanding even if our own parents are making things difficult, we will decline having their presence. We truly want people there who wants to give blessings to our marriage. If they don’t approve or making things 10x difficult, we rather they don’t come.
Post # 9
Thanks, you guys. I’m pretty nervous about the “talk” with my dad because I need to present this so very delicately that he’s still allowed to attend. I honestly wouldn’t put it past this woman to make it very very difficult!
But, so far I’ve been practicing what I’ll say (yeah, I’m seriously practicing like a dork), and I’m trying to gear it toward being considerate of her feelings. Hopefully I’m not too transparent, because what I really want to say is, ahem, not so nice.
Post # 10
@AndcjSaid: It’s good you are are practicing!
I had a coworker whose now DW’s stepmother created a lot of drama for her wedding. This woman married her father at 18 so she was not close to her. However the stepmother became insecure because she realized that the bio mother, ie her husabd’s ex, would be the 2nd woman at the center of attention. Her dad threatened not to come, and she called his bluff. She said if you want to miss the wedding day of your daughter for a woman’s drama iwe will miss seeing you there. Guess who came? Dear daddy. Stepmom stayed at home stewing.
Bottom line, call his bluff if he says he won’t come
Post # 11
yeh, i agree, try and talk to your dad about what you are feeling and what you are worried about.
i hope she doesnt act the same way at your wedding as she did at your brothers, so fingers crossed for you that it goes well.
personally i think i would tell my step mum myself if i were in your situation, but i am a sometimes a little bit too forward for my own good!
Post # 12
i hope the talk with your dad goes well! your SM should not be behaving like this, it is YOUR wedding, you don’t need the drama!