Post # 1
I have been searching past posts to try and find a solution to my problem, but it seems similar posts have to do with people who are outright asking for invitations/assuming they are invited.
I have an “ex” aunt (divorced from my blood-related uncle when I was eight, haven’t seen her since then, although my mom has in family get-together settings when visiting her hometown, since their child is my mom’s nephew) who recently messaged me via Facebook to say she was so excited for me, and asking when and where the wedding would be. She did not ask for an invite or anything, and I don’t even know if she is asking just out of interest or if she hopes to be invited (her son– my cousin, her ex-husband– my uncle– and his new wife will all be invited). She is very sweet and will sometimes comment on my FB pictures and statuses to say things like “cute pic, miss you and love you!”, and I always respond in kind, although to be honest, I feel like I don’t really know her.
It is uncomfortable when people ask these kinds of questions when you know they are not invited, because I don’t want to be rude by giving her answers and making it seem as if she might be invited. How do I handle this sort of thing gracefully? I feel like the recommended answers of “it will be fairly small, just close family and friends” would be hurtful since she was at one point “family” and her son is considered family, and it’s not THAT small of wedding (we’re hoping for 130 or less out of 166 invitees).
Any advice is so appreciated!!!
Post # 3
Hmm, that is a tricky situation… could you give a vague date (sometime in August) and mention that you want to keep it small? “there are so many people I want there, but we have to keep it small because of our budget” She may be a little disapoointed if her son is invited, but hopefully she is understanding about your situation
Post # 4
I’m having a very small wedding so I’ve dealt with this quite a bit. I just tell them when the wedding is and say how it’s a small wedding. With the exception of my boss everyone has been understanding.
Post # 5
I’d keep it vauge and conversational. My resonse would go something like this,
“Thanks Jane! We are really exicited – it looks like we’ll be getting married in June in Savannah.
I hope things are well with you. I heard that your daughter got into grad school, exciting!
See what I did there? I gave only a month and city instead of a date and venue, and then redirected the conversation.
Post # 6
@cbgg: Agree. I’ve had multiple people ask me about my wedding. Doesn’t mean they’re getting an invitation. Furthermore I had someone I knew in childhood but have never been friends with straight out ask for an invitation TWICE. We can’t afford to have people there we barely know. So just be really nice and glad that she’s being sweet. But it doesn’t mean she has to receive an invitation.
Post # 7
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
@cbgg: Wow! You have skills!
@allyouneedislove: I was going to say ignore it since it’s only a FB message, but cbgg has a much better suggestion. Go with that!
Post # 8
@allyouneedislove: when someone who i am not inviting asks me a direct question about the wedding, i answer them but give a vague answer. if the they press the issue, i will give them as much detail as i am comfortable with.
i have not had anyone invite themselves to my wedding.
them: when’s the big day?
them: ok, what day?
me: october 19
them: what are your colors?
me: only the wedding party knows that….
Post # 9
@cbgg: +1 that is EXACTLY what I’ve been doing. The most specific I’ve ever gotten with any non-invited person was “we’re having a small private ceremony later this year.” I didn’t even give a country. I take particular perverse pleasure when people ask whether it will be in Country X or Country Y and I can say “neither of those. It’s a shame everyone can’t join us, right? But we understand, it’s a lot of travel.”
Post # 10
This is a non issue. Just answer what she asks, she wants to know, doesn’t mean she’s expecting an invitation!
Post # 11
@allyouneedislove: We’re gonna end up with HOPEFULLY under 180 guests, so not “small” by most standards, but given my gigantic family, that means literally only my 4 best friends and their spouses are invited out of my few dozen good friends. Even though my entire family has been VERY involved in our parish for 2 decades, I am not inviting ANYONE from church (because then I’d have to invite everyone). I’m inviting only my parents’ siblings & their kids & grandkids– NONE of their cousins even though I’ve gone to at least 15 weddings for them. For me, this IS a “small” wedding… so don’t feel bad saying yours is small to people who aren’t invited if they press.
Post # 12
Thanks so much to all of you for the very helpful advice! I responded with a general time frame and the state it will be in and then tried to change the subject :).
Post # 13
Sometimes people ask about weddings because they love talking about weddings and not because they are invite fishing! Now that I’m married, I ask people about their wedding when I have 0 expectations of being invited. I just love hearing about weddings, and remember being thrilled to talk about my wedding when people asked me. Most people will get the hint after you say ‘we’re keeping it down due to size / budget constraints’. If they still ask, they probably are just genuinely interested in your planning and want to give you a chance to talk about it 🙂
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
@CityBearBride: That’s a really good point! I do the same thing…Man, now I really hope people don’t think I’ve been invite fishing! That never even occured to me! I just love weddings too. 🙂
Post # 15
I’ve had a lot of “friends” that I hadn’t talked to in years ask all sorts of questions about the wedding, ask if I need help doing anything, etc. They are not invited even though we’re having 300+ people simply because they weren’t highest on the list. Some even asked my FI to convince me they should be a bridesmaid! I thought that was low. I usually just say thanks for the offer, we’re excited, etc. Just don’t say hope you can make it and they should have no reason to assume they are invited.