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Why do they object to the wedding? I think we need a little more background in order to help you better :)
My family had a lot of objections to our engagement but we did our best to stay calm, cool, and open to talks about their concerns and our rebuttals/explanations to address every one of those concerns. I don't know about your family but I knew my family was bluffing and that's why I was able to call them on their bluff by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way but I want to be married and I will do that with or without your blessing even though I would very much prefer your support and love through this very important time." So with a lot of kicking and screaming, they eventually realized there was not much they could do because a wedding was getting planned and they knew I had no problem leaving them out even if they continued to threaten not to come. And of course, they wanted to involved so there was no way they would opt to miss the wedding.
Also, do you have any supportive siblings or relatives on your side? Allies within the family are very important during a time like this!
Good luck. :)
Ditto MissStellar. Why are they objecting? I've heard parents' objections go from the ridiculous (e.g. he doesn't make enough money, or he's a different race) to the very serious (you two fight all the time, or he's abusive. See this thread: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-can-i-stop-this-wedding for another view on that). Are these objections points you can comprimise on (e.g. it's too soon, or I don't want you getting married while you're still in college)? Pushing it back a little might allay her fears.
Personally, if my mother expressed concerns over my marriage, I'd be stepping back. She's close enough to me to know if something isn't right, and far enough away from the situation to think with her brain instead of with her heart. But without more information, I can't say.
At first they were worried that he hadn't proposed to me soon enough. We'd been dating for a little less than two years at that time. Then once he was ready (about 6 months later) they said he didn't do it soon enough and he doesn't have a career, education, or look good, and is too old. He's a software developer working at the same company I do, most probably making more than me. He is working on his degree right now. And he is only 5 years older than me. He wasn't ready the first time they asked and he asked for a years time. He proposed within the year, so I didn't see any problems with that.
No allies, unfortunately. :-/
Wait- so your parents wanted him to ask you a year before he actually did? What's wrong with that? Obviously if they wanted him to ask you once, they like him.
Is there something else going on that concerns them? (this is probably none of my business, but I will ask anyway) Are you two living together and they don't like it? Or do you have a child together? If either of those ring true, maybe they are upset now because he didn't marry you a year ago (or whatever).
All you really can do is talk to your parents. Explain that you love them, and appriciate their opinions, but you love your FI and you will marry him. Hopefully they will still attend and not say anything.
You could also ask your pastor/priest to skip over that part. Our pastor's not asking "if anyone objects, speak now or forever hold their peace." We aren't having that at all . So if someone objects, they're outta luck!!
Good luck!
::EDIT::
I just saw this from your original post, "I have to tell my parents about the date and occasion before I enter into any contract."
Are you not legal age to be married? If you have to tell them before you enter into a legal contract, do they have to consent for your marriage?
The other thing I noticed, beyond the telling them before you enter a legal contract is you said he probably makes more than you. In my opinion you should certainly know how much the other makes before you get married, how are you going to plan for your financial future if you have never discussed how much you each make? How are you going to pay bills, buy a house, cars, or other major purchases if you don't know what baseline you are starting at.
I think you may want to seriously think about having this heart to heart with your parents so you can understand why they may have concerns regarding your marraige.
I agree with ekb830 that you and your fiance need to sit down and talk about finances before you commit to anything with this wedding, or to your marriage. Finances are not a deal-breaker for a marriage, but you need a realistic idea of what you both make and what your long-term goals are (i.e. does one of you want a house, but the other would rather spend their "disposable" income on travel?).
If your parents are not supportive of the marriage, it's not much of a stretch to think they might not be financially supportive of the wedding. So you also need to think about what your wedding budget is. Don't overcommit to the wedding of your dream if it leave you in serious debt.
It will be a hard conversation, but I would suggest sitting down with one (either one, whomever you talk to most comfortably) of your parents about their objections. Are they really holding a grudge because he didn't pop the question soon enough? Then why did they want him to propose by X time? At one point, they wanted you to get married--were they bluffing, were they worried that if you waited too long, they would have religious concerns?
Good luck.
I don't know you or your parents, sonipapdi, but it sounds like maybe they have never liked your fiance, and are just changing their excuse for why they don't like him. Maybe they were trying to convince you to break it off by telling you that he should have proposed by now, and now that he has proposed, they're coming up with new reasons.
But from your second post, it sounds like they asked him when he planned to marry you and he said he wasn't ready yet -- is that right? If that's the case, you're probably right about them holding a grudge against him because he didn't do what they wanted, when they wanted. If that's true, that's very unfair of them. No one should be pressured into getting married before they are ready.
I'd also be curious to know why you need their approval for the contract! I also agree with everyone who's said that you two should get on the same page financially before tying the knot.
Okay, I'm confused. He's a software developer but your parents say he has no career? What type of school is he in?
I'm totally going to make a huge (and possibly rude) assumption here, but I'm guessing from your screenname that you are Indian/S Asian, like me? I could be totally off-base, but the objections you're listing make sense in that context more than any other I can think of. For better or worse I think parents of our background can have a fairly narrow view of what makes someone worthy of marriage. And it seems the biggest objection, as far as I can tell, is that he waited too long which may make them question your motives in dating you (again, makes sense in the Indian/SAsian context). I'm still not entirely sure why, though, they are now completely against the marriage 6 mos after they pushed for it...can you elaborte a little? As for the other things, I don't think it's fair for them to dictate that. Sounds like you are planning and financing your own wedding, so if you're not asking for their support there isn't much they can do. But I will agree with other posters that you should find out what his financial situation and future prospects are before getting married...that is something that will matter throughout your life.
It sounds like they don't know you are engaged, is it possible that telling them you are will change their mind? maybe they've been fearful that he has no plans to marry you so they have been trying to get you to leave the relationship, but now that you're getting married it might change? I know that no matter how much they objected, my parents would never, ever miss an important event in my life (esp. not my wedding). Maybe your parents would react similarly?
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That whole objecting part can be left out of the ceremony you know.
Thanks everyone for your advice! I have been hinting at the financial discussions so I just need to sit down with my FI and make it happen now. We did already discuss a budget, he is paying for the wedding since I'm paying for the house I just bought a year ago.
I guess I haven't given enough info. fizicsGirl, you are correct in your assumption, I am Indian. And my parents wanted us either to have been married when they asked us to or not at all. My FI asked for some time from my parents as he was not ready then; we also hadn't talked about it so my parents bringing it up was a shock to both him and me. 6 months later, he met my parents and told my dad that he was planning to propose within 2 weeks from that day. He actually did it the next day. So my parents know of my engagment. There is no extra reasons for them not to like my FI (i.e. we don't live together or have a child). They don't like the fact that he waited to propose because "if he really loved me, he would have married me in a heart beat, not wait one year." My FI is a software developer but despite that my parents don't think he has a career. He is going through school to get a computer sci degree right now.
The reason why I needed to at least tell them is because my parents and I have stopped talking since my engagment. So just incase they said the date didn't work for them or they wanted it later or whatever other reason, we didn't want to be bound to contracts we couldn't get out of. :)
Over the weekend I was able to talk to my dad who took it very well. However, he said he'd be at the wedding only if my mom came as well. My mom, on the other hand didn't want anything to do with me ...
Wow, that's a difficult reaction. To ask more prying and overly personal questions, are you first generation? Or are your parents still in India? It seems like this reaction would make more sense in India than in the US where prolonged dating is the norm. I know my parents have been freaking out for years about my getting married, but it's also the case that I was the one refusing to make any decisions about marrying fizicsGuy (he was pretty clearly ready), so it's a little bit different.
I think the fact that one of your parents is on board is definitely a start. Aside from the "if he really loved you" argument, is there anything else that's making her so adamant this is a bad idea? Like were you totally ready to get married and upset that he hadn't proposed when he wasn't ready yet? Not saying that's a reason not to support your marriage, just trying to understand. B/c, and it may be too late to bring this up, it might help to let her know that this is a decision you wanted to come to together. That you yourself weren't worried about getting engaged 6 mos ago, so she shouldn't be either. I think in the long run, despite sometimes doing it in a heavy-handed way, when parents cling to traditional ideas of how things should be it is often b/c that is the only way they know to be sure their children will be safe. So rather than see it as your mom being against you, maybe she is honestly worried. I wish I knew the best way to let her know that you are happy and not worried, but I can understand that if this is so far outside of her comfort level she may have a hard time seeing it.
To handle that, I think all you can do is be open and up front about what's going on with you. Tell her you're engaged and planning for a wedding on xxx. You know that you are with the right person, and you will be happy together. You know that her disapproval stems from wanting what's best for you, but that this is really what's best for you and she needs to trust your judgment. And it would mean the world to you that she attend your wedding.
I don't think you should let her prevent you from getting married or cause you to delay. You are an independent adult, and she doesn't have the right to manipulate you (and you can easily prevent her from doing this). I also don't think you are obligated to defend your FH to your parents in any way (as in you don't need to tell them what his salary is etc.). You at most need to tell them that you understand their concern about your financial future and you are confident that you and your FH will be fine.
I know the above is easier to write than carry out...especially the part about setting a wedding date without knowing whether your parents will attend. But you've decided you want to build a life with your FH, and I think now would be a good time to let your parents know they can't control your life...b/c I've seen too often where parents continue to try to dictate their children's actions even after they are married which is ultimately terrible for the marriage.
I hope that helps...keep us posted!
Thank you for all of the clarifying information -- now the situation makes much more sense to me. I think your parents, especially your mom, are stuck in the "no guy is good enough for our daughter" trap. I've found (not from personal experience, through friends) that this tends to dissapate as the wedding planning gets further along. Your mom will want to be a part of it all once you start planning and asking her for advice/opinions. She may be stubborn at first, but I'd bet money that she will come around. I thin fiziczgirl has some great suggestions!
Good luck.
fizicsGirl thank you for understanding my situation. I'm so lost and kinda have the 'whatever' attitude sometimes but then I really want them to be there other days.
My parents live here in the US. I lived with them up until last year. My mom doesn't have any other reason to dislike Mr. SoniPapdi aside from the time it took him to be ready. I even told them that at first I was not ready so it shouldn't have been a big deal. She is worried that because he took so long that he won't stay "forever" with me and leave me. I have mentioned that both he and I have the same view on divorce and that is -> unacceptable. I guess she just doesn't believe it and is worried that I will be left alone after a few years.
Now that I've talked to both parents and sister (even she doesn't want to be there, as she feels I'm hurting my parents by marrying Mr. SoniPapdi) we have gone ahead with setting our date and reserving the venue.
On a good note: we are having our wedding now on June 12th! I've also bought my dress and Mr. SoniPapdi's sherwani. We've met with our officiant as well. So things are coming along.
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Congrats on setting the date! And it sounds like your planning process is also swimming along. I really do hope your family comes around and decides to attend. Perhaps now that you've set a date they will see that they can't change your mind and would rather attend than miss the most important day of your life.
Aww I totally know how you feel....my fiance's parents want us to wait a bit before we get married...for no reason good enough. We have a list of reasons why we want to get married this summer (age, wanting to just BE together and being ready to make that next step in life). They're not totally objecting to it but they've been very uninterested in anything regarding the wedding. That's caused a lot of stress for us and my parents as well since we are chinese are there are a lot of traditions that the guy's side is supposed to do. I'm just really lucky that my parents are so understanding that they really don't care what his parents think because they back us up 110% with getting married.
It's awesome that things are coming along!! Keep us up to date!!!!!!!!
Thank you to everyone for your support! I'm keeping my fingers crossed and my hopes high! :) Will keep posted.
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I'm in a similar boat as you sonipapdi. My parents have cut me off after I got engaged to my fiance and our communication is limited. Its a long story too, but for the most part they don't like him and think I should be with someone else. I feel you pain in the planning and I get really upset thinking that they won't be there during this big event, but I'm hopefull that maybe they'll turn around. At the same time I try to focus on the positive part of getting married! Getting to spend the rest of my life with Mr.Luetzie Lady is going to be a ball, I just wished my parents were openminded enough to enjoy the ride with us.
I hope things work out with you and your family, and I'm sure they'll come around in time to share the special day with you guys!
@LuetzieLady - Sometimes the people closest to you cannot understand our pain. I'm thankful (but not thankful that you are in this situation as well) that someone out there understands exactly what goes through my mind when I let it wander to those thoughts. I too, am trying to look at the positive, only thinking of the negative sometimes.
I hope the same for you and your family too, that your family will also turn around!! How many days/months to your wedding? I need a miracle from God to happen in 2 months!!
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I so thought I was alone on this site with the whole "parents may or may not come to the wedding let alone speak to me after it's all said and over" crazy!
I totally feel your pain and totally get the thought that you want them there - but at some point you will realize that you have to do what is right for you!
I used to cry and have total fits that my mother was not going to be at my wedding (this still isn't for sure, but I'm not going to assume she will change her mind any time soon - he's not going to be less black any time soon!). Now I focus on the friends in my life who have become my family.
@ LuetzieLady - I know how hard it is to stop hoping and wishing that things would be differnet but it's good that you aren't focusing on that and letting it get you down.
Maybe they need to start a board for girls who's families are not supportive. I didn't think anyone else here had that problem. Yes, I'm totally self centered because I thought I was the only one.
Maybe, since they probably won't start a board, we can be our own little minni-bee support system.
I wish I could hug you all and say it will be ok and they will all come around in the ninth hour.
Hey Ladies,
I'm really sorry to see such bittersweet moments. As my situation may not seem as bad, I must say I secretly HATE even talking about my wedding with my mother. I'm totally sick of watching her roll her eyes or mumble under her breath. This is supposed to be one of the most exciting and emotional times in our lives and to not have parents/family that support us just plain sucks. I think at first my mother truely thought "me being engaged" was a joke. For starters when I first called to say OMG IM ENGAGED! .. her first response was.... to hang up on me. She then called my sister to ask her if it was true and called me back to apologize for hanging up on me. Even to this day.. after the apology; i'm holding a slight grudge. Even when she called me back she said "wait, like you have an actual ring?" My sarcasm made me say "no we just friggin decided to say we are engaged for hoo hoo and ha has".
I'm totally excited and try to not let her less enthusiasm get me down but its hard. Good luck everyone... follow YOUR heart and follow YOUR dreams *
I think may ladies are ashamed of talking about this issue. I know I was hesitant to even ask the question. "What would people think of me, and my family," would run in my mind. Someone should start a board on this. Because one thing is for sure, it AIN'T easy!!!
I have my parents, time and time again, telling me that I'm making a mistake and that I'm not going to survive this long/hard journey and that I STILL have time. I have less than 10 weeks to the wedding, and it is really the last thing I want in my head.
I even am now doubting if I'm doing the right thing. Does God want me to keep going this path of getting married? Or is He trying to show me (by ways of my parents) that the path is truly bad for me? Am I supposed to give in? All these questions, are really bogging me down and bringing my spirit down. I'm not in the mood to plan right now, and this is a critical time for all the planning and making sure things go well.
I hope the rest of you are not in the same doubtful boat as me... :-/
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For most it might be a simple as not inviting those that object your marriage. But what if those releatives that you know will object happen to be your parents? I'm getting married, well at least planning for it. I have to tell my parents about the date and occasion before I enter into any contract. They are not happy about my engagement with my future husband and do not support me with my decision to marry him. None of their reasonings behind why they don't like him are good enough for me to change my decision. So what do I tell them, I want them at the wedding but how do I get them to come? Any advice would help! :)