Post # 1
Ugh, I’m dreading the invitation process. It’s going to be this invitation list battle between me and my parents for sure about inviting extended family members that I’m not close with, but they (think) they are. I think it’s more about them being worried if those members find out they weren’t invited, then they will gossip that we have a problem with them. eventhough my FH is paying for the wedding, my mom even said she will pay for the guests that she wants to come. It’s not just about the cost. I don’t want so many people that i hardly know at our wedding.
how can i calmly explain to my parents that i don’t want to invite second cousin x and his wife, etc., or their friends Mr and Mrs. B whom they haven’t even kept in touch with in the last ten years. i think i need to come up with a script for them to tell the uninvited people why they aren’t invited, so they don’t feel bad. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
would your venue hold everyone? that’s a good rationale – mum, the space will not be big enough!
Post # 4
You just have to be frank with them. They may complain, but you are right, it’s your wedding. Luckily they aren’t paying for the wedding so it gives you the upper hand. If you want to soften the blow, say that the reception site you chose only allows for X amount of people, and that your guest list is already at that number. You can also say that you’ll send a wedding announcement to those people she would have like to invite, pre-print them and make sure they go out the day after wedding.
Post # 5
You are in a great situation – they don’t have control because of $$. My parents are paying for my wedding and their guest list is so out of hand I can only invite a few of my own friends.
If you want to be nice, ask them for a list of people they would invite if you had unlimited funds and promise to B list some of them. But also tell them you want a small wedding and you aren’t trying to offend anyone. That way, you are inviting their input, but making sure they understand it’s up to you and your fh.
Post # 6
Ugh! I feel your pain, my FMIL keeps inviting people that we don’t even know to our wedding! I don’t think there is any easy way to say it. Could you compromise by asking your mom to stick within a specific number range?
Post # 7
I second NYBride’s idea–choose a venue that simply won’t fit extra people. We were in the same situation (we paid, but my MIL wanted to add everyone she’s ever met), but we booked a room that would only hold 120 MAXIMUM. That way, we had to cut the list down to a number that we were more comfortable with. She could offer to pay anything she wanted, but we didn’t have the space and had already put our deposit down on our dream venue, so she had to deal with it.
Outside of this, I think the best thing to do is to have a conversation with your parents. Explain that it’s really important to you two to keep your guest list smaller and list the reasons why. You can even suggest to her that they can host a separate party/reception to invite all the extra people you couldn’t accomodate at the wedding. We suggested this to my ILs and although they decided against it, it seemed to placate her for a while.
Post # 8
thank goodness we have the upper hand because my FH is paying. Great idea to say that the venue doesn’t hold more than XX number. I’m going to use that for sure! Well, I also thought of this compromise. I said I’m splitting my invite list to A and B list (A being the ones I absoultely want at my wedding). If I find that many of the A listers can not come, then that will leave some room for her to invite SOME of the guests she wants.
But regardless, I think the best solution for them to say to the uninvited guests is “the venue is small, so the bride and groom want to keep it to just immediate family members”.
Post # 9
I agree that you should book a place that can’t hold too many people. However, it might not solve everything. I did something like that, and my mom kept adding people even after I repeatedly told her we’d be violating fire codes. Her reasoning–no one would be counting heads at the door, so why should it matter? She was actually going to post my invite at work and have people show up, regardless of whether I sent them an invitation! (I just gave in and sent them invites after that). Now, we’re having a tent outside at our small reception location…she found a way to squeeze everyone in!
I think you’ll have it easier because your parents aren’t paying for the wedding (mine are). Just wanted to let you know that sometimes headstrong parents will find a way!
As for me, I just decided to let my mom have her way. So I won’t know everyone at my wedding? Big deal! (It took me a really long time to reach that sentiment, btw). I don’t think I’ll care down the road. Hopefully, you’ll find a way to get through to your parents that a limited guest list is important. But don’t let it ruin your day if you can’t!
Post # 10
Wow, Monty900, your parents are persistent! I’m going to keep putting my foot down (easier said than done, I know). For me, it’s not so much about not knowing the people that they would want to come. I have met them at some point in my life, but it’s to hold them from inviting random family members (I sound horrible – but if you have a weird second cousin “al” from hickville, you know EXACTLY what I mean).
Post # 11
You are lucky they aren’t paying. Since both of our parents are contributing, our guest list is ginormous! I would just be honest, and tell them you want an intimate wedding with your closest family and friends.