Post # 1
Hi fellow bees. I am in a quandry. I have been feeling very anxious about the wedding reception for quite some time now. This is mostly because of my fiance’s unruly family. I am so afraid they are going to absolutely RUIN the day and reception and embarass me and my family.
– My FI and I are Christians and have very similar values to that of my own family
– My mother tragically passed away 2 years ago and it is so difficult. Everyone invited to the wedding who is my family friends really understand and respect this and feel that the wedding will have a feeling of respect to it for my mom’s death… and they realize that it might not seem like a huge PARTY to our family – while it is a celebration and joyous, it is very very hard and also SAD that my mom is not here!
– The fact that my mom died seems to be lost on my FI’s family. He has 4 siblings and at times sometimes I honestly think they forgot or are oblivious to the fact that my mom died. They look at this wedding as an opportunity to get TRASHED and wasted…not to celebrate our holy union.
– None of my FI’s family shares the faith
– My FI’s father has been known to pull HORRENDOUS “pranks” at weddings that he thinks are hilarious – such as pulling down his brother’s pants during his brother dancing with his new bride in front of all the wedding guests…a few more horrible stories
– FI’s siblings are already upset that there wont’ be hard liquor at wedding, just beer and wine
How can I take CONTROL of this day and not let them ruin it and embarass me and my family in the process?? FI is sort of ambivalent and seems to think his family is joking when they threaten to pull pranks or get really drunk at the wedding… I am getting devesated about it. What should I do?!
Post # 3
@trustingbride: Since it is your FI’s side of the family, he is the one that needs to handle it and talk to them. Having beer and wine only is a great start. I think that’s what saved my wedding from getting out of control. You have to remember that you can not control your guests. If you are feeling that uncomfortable about it you might consider hiring a security guard or two to keep tabs on people.
Post # 4
I think the security guard option is a good idea. But what scares me is that you and your fiance aren’t on the same page about this. That’s potential for harm way beyond the wedding. Pulling somebody’s pants down at a wedding is NEVER okay – there’s ‘haha, how amusing’ pranks at a wedding and then there’s just humiliating. This guy’s idea of funny is pretty warped – and I don’t consider myself to be uptight or humorless.
If they’re this bad, and they’re already moaning about the booze options, is it possible to forego the alcohol altogether? With this bunch, I’d start advertising that there won’t be any alcohol at all. When my brother’s wedding was advertised as liquor-free, it was amusing how many of the drinkers backed out. They wanted to spend their Saturday night getting drunk.
I can understand some folks get tipsy at weddings…but when the sole purpose is just to get drunk, I think it’s very sad. It shows a lack of respect for self – but also for the hosts. This is not getting drunk in someone’s private home, but in a somewhat public space at a time that’s supposed to be special.
I’d reiterate some of the things FI’s dad has done at weddings in the past. Make it clear that you’re not joking…and you’re not going to back down on this. He needs to speak with his family, and together, you need to work out a plan of action. If they get too unruly, who’s going to handle that? I think that having a bartender/security guard watch out over them could reduce their comfort level with getting so drunk.
Post # 5
I appreciate your dilemma.
There are always a select few that have to get very drunk and behave in an non appropriate manner.
Given that there will be a certain number of guests, each with their own diffifferent personalities and different tendencies to drink its going to be difficult to apply some sort of control but at the same time you dont want your special day to be ruined.
OK, so what woulld I do…(I have some very, very obnoxious members in my family – FBIL & his friends) so im in the same dilemma as you. Its like having an agressive dog that you take for a walk through the park and hope that he does not bite someone.
I would think positively on the day, maybe have a word with them and tell them how important of a day it is for you and your fiancee. There isnt anything else that you could do unless you got the barman to serve them with 0% Alcohol drinks or gave them $50 each to dissapear out of sight for the night (when they are in a sober state).
I had not thought of the problem until read it here. I will ask around and if I come up with a suitable preventative action then I will let you know.
Best of luck with the wedding, fingers crossed.
p.s – I think that having a security presence is an excellenbt idea (as suggested above). If things do get out of control and alcohol fuelled rage erupts then there would be someone there to sort it out (X2 6Ft 5 inch guys with shaven heads). Their presence alone should deter them from misbehaving. They are more likely to head off to another drinking bar or club to get drunk.
The Silver Fox
Post # 6
I’m sorry this is upsetting you.
First take out the fact you have a faith and they don’t share it. That has nothing to do with their actions. Remove that from your perception about the situation
Next time they mention only beer and wine just repeat ‘it is our wedding that is what we decided’ or just nod and go ‘umm’
Get you FI to talk to them (and you there otherwise you will become this women marrying in who doesn’t like them and you could be in danger of vilifing yourself)
I’m sorry you have lost your mom. get your FI to gently reminded them of that but they aren’t mourning her, I guess they didn’t know her. You can’t expect them to feel and act the way you and your family will treat the day. A gentle reminder of the fact is all you can do and cross your fingers. (They can be respectful to your feelings but they can’t be respectful to her if that makes sense)
As for the actions (alcohol induced or not) could you get the barman not to serve them after x time? Or you could have no alcohol at all (but if you want it don’t not have it) the idea of security may work but you might scare the other guests unintentionallyust warn your family members first. but go for it if you feel more comfortable j. Get FI to give them a stern warning before the wedding and tell them one false move and they are out. (I’m sure you have some other guests that are capable to throw them out)
And get your FI onside and try to get him to get why their actions upset you so much. But ultimatly you can’t control what your guests will do before they do it you can only stop it getting out of control.
Post # 7
IMHO, you don’t. You let it all go. You change your expectations because YOU KNOW you can’t change them. If you truly want them at your wedding then you can have the venue ask people to leave if they get too drunk or unruly. But honestly, family is family and they can be pretty dum dum at times.
And again, IMHO, it’s not such a bad thing to celebrate your mom’s life instead of not celebrating your wedding.
I will be at my wedding without my father (who passed in November). We will be celebrating his life.
Post # 8
I have discussed this with my work colleagues (Both male and femmale).
Nearly all of them have had excalty the same problem. You mentioned his family, Is it every memeber of his family (in which case you would have a serious problem) or his 1st cousin or brother?
If they are under 21 then they might not even want to attened (Which would be good for you).
If you are that concerned and KNOW that they will create havoc then why invite them in the first place?
Would you prefer upsetting a select few and ensure that you can fully relax on your special day or would you prefer being worried leading up to and on the big day and have the wedding ruined which would leave you angry saying… why did we invite them?? (I know that they are family).
One guy I work with had a brother that made trouble everywhere he went. He made sure that he wasnt there.
Do you really want to pay extra for security have everyone one edge (as the previous bee suggested) and being so focused on the day that you forget to enjoy the big day.
The Silver Fox
Post # 9
- @icetea: +1
You can’t control this– and if you allow it to consume your thoughts it will fuel your bitterness and it will you anxious and unhappy on your wedding day.
Let it go, them go– they can do whatever they want to celebrate , you’ll be celebrating in your own heart and your family is there to support you. Some will get too drunk, but ignore them and dont ALLOW them to make you upset.
The only other option, which maybe you should have done, would’ve been to have a dry reception.
Post # 10
I don’t think that securing the services of security guards in formal gear with baseball caps and nasty snarling dogs would be highly appropriate as they would stand out like a sore thumb and will be a very intimidating figureGetting some rough looking guys with shaven heads and a broken noses could be a big mistake. If they are hanging about waiting for ‘action’ they might even get drunk themselves and encourage trouble to happen with your FF – disaster.
I think that you do need someone there to keep an eye on them. I would go to an approved security company and employ the services of someone in their 40s that could come in plain clothes and hence not stand out in the crowd!. You could conduct a formal interview with them prior to the wedding. Ask them if they have a criminal record – if they don’t then take them on.
Great idea girls?. I think so.
The Red Lady
Post # 11
In my opinion you are conflating a few unrelated issues.
1. You are sad that your mom won’t see you get married. Of course people should have a lot of sympathy for that. My husband’s father passed away about a year before our wedding. It was sad. We missed his presence and felt his absence, and we added a few details and gestures to remember him. BUT in general, weddings should be about the people who are there, not the people who can’t be there. It is not fair to expect your guests to attend your wedding with a somber tone of mourning. It is not inappropriate for your guests to show up ready to celebrate.
2. You are uncomfortable with your in-laws’ lack of faith. That is not something you should judge them for. That is a difference/gap you should try to bridge in order to get along with them.
3. You think your in-laws have a tacky, obnoxious sense of humor, and you are worried they will get out of hand and upset you at your wedding. This is a legit concern.
I think you should lighten up and lower your expectations of your in-laws regarding (1) and (2) while still taking precautions (e.g., by not serving hard liquor) to soften the blow of (3). Unfortunately, regardless of whether you are “right” about their behavior, you will still need to get along with them in order to support your husband’s relationships with his family. If they think you are humorless and judgemental they will probably amp up this dynamic which is the opposite of what you want.
You guys don’t see eye to eye. This is not ideal. But trying to “control” them will only exacerbate this dynamic. I suggest that you try to accept who they are even though you don’t like it. I say this as a reformed control freak who gets along better with people now than she used to. (I am not religious but I would cringe right along with you if I watched someone pants the groom at a wedding.)
Edited to fix an iPhone typo.
Post # 12
I would not hire a security guard! bad bad idea lol I highly doubt FI family will get that crazy! And if they do, thats what the police are for!
I think you should try to not dwell about it. You cant control it, as PPs have said. You have to remember that his family may not feel as compelled to remember your mom, of course your family will but his family probably has never met her? Extended family anyway.
My FIs mom passed in November, its hard, we were having the wedding just for her, but she passed away much much sooner than expected. Of course we will remember her, but it is our wedding day. As much as we love and miss her, it is still our day. Kwim?
I would never expect the guests to not party because shes not there. But on the other hand, they shouldnt get out of hand out of respect for you and your FI- not your mom.
Lets be honest here, alot of people DO look at a wedding as an excuse to party. And alot of people who dont normally drink choose a wedding to be the time they let loose and have a couple.
You need to just put your foot down. Have him talk to his family, and make it VERY clear that if they are innappropriate you BOTH will ask them to leave. Having alot to drink, and dancing is not innappropriate (within reason of course!). Pulling the grooms pants down at all during the wedding is.