How to handle this MIL

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

A friend who’s mother and grandmother live with her & her husband moved into a mother-daughter house and it’s been so much better for them.

A house with a seperate guest cottage would be a good comprimise.
Don’t do the work by yourself – get a real estate agent on the task!

Post # 4
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

@crr219191:  I feel for you, I really do! The best thing you could do at this point is have your DH talk to her separately and lay down the law. If she is going to continue living under your roof, she needs to:

 

1) stop with the tantrums and threats/disparaging remarks and learn to respect the space of those around her, especially those that are newlyweds and sharing their home

 

2) Stay out of your womb. Kids are an off limit topic until further notice

 

3) Her calling you names , has to stop ASAP.

 

 

 

If she doesn’t comply with her newly set groundrules, I would consider moving her into a home because honestly– it sounds like she would need professional care at that point. It really sucks when parents become the ones needing the care, but the hostility and tantrums could be a more serious underlying health concern that will require more monitoring. If your DH talks with her and she is willing to readjust her attitude, that would be great. If not, I would looking for other arrangements for her., not as punishment, but as a way to preserve a good relationship with her and her and your overall wellbeing.

 

Post # 5
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

That sounds like a really unpleasant situation. If a place with a guest house is difficult to find, could you do something with a finished basement, or a duplex/townhouse situation? … and then don’t give her a key to your house/side/part of the house.

Post # 6
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@crr219191:  Sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband about his mother and boundaries. Everyone will get along much better if the two of you can enforce strict boundaries with MIL about what’s appropriate and what’s not. She doesn’t get a say in when you have kids, and if you both refuse to discuss it with her, 100%, then she’ll get the picture eventually.

Don’t count on her catching the hint. The two of you need to be 100% invested in enforcing boundaries, and when she brings up something that is out of place, tell her politely but firmly that it’s not up for discussion. Walk away if you have to. She gets no say in when you have kids, and she certainly doesn’t get to call you a gold digger now that you’re part of the family and are invested in her care.

When she’s out of line, both of you need to be firm with her about what’s considered unacceptable. Giving in to her will send the message that she’ll get her way eventually.

Post # 8
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MIL’s are sooo difficult!… My FMIL is telling family members to ask… ME.. THE BRIDE; if I can cover their expense for the bachelorette party (which she also invited herself too) until they can give me the money.

You have to learn to put your foot down or accept it. Both will have consequences, it is up to you to choose what will be worse.

Post # 11
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

@crr219191:  ugh, that’s annoying of her! If she can’t respect boundaries, then like I said, I would be looking for an alternative living situation for her and possibly loop a doctor in on this. If this is a lifetime’s worth of behavior, that may be a whole other issue– but if her demanding and demeaning behavior is somewhat recent, I would address it with a healthcare professional. 

Post # 12
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@crr219191:  I skimmed the previous responses, but felt like I should chime in for a sec. 

First, I want to make it clear that her behaviour is NOT ok. It is not ok to throw tantrums or call you names. The baby thing – also annoying and uncalled for, but is pretty common. 

Was your MIL always acting like this? It’s not clear from your post, but if it’s only developed over the last few years, I think it’s really important that you (probably DH) speak directly with her doctors about it.  It could actually be an indicator of another medical problem or early stages of dimentia. It might not be, but it could be and I think it would probably make it a bit easier to care for her through her behaviour if you knew whether it was a symptom of something else age-related. 

Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@crr219191:  If I were in your position, I might be tempted to say “to heck with what she wants.” You could buy her a sunlap, you know? Lol.

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