Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
Hi everyone! I am currently waiting for my SO to propose to me (I know he has the money that we saved up together for a ring) and my question is not to handle my emotions of anxiety of waiting for the proposal, but how to handle the ones in our life that are bugging us. I’m 28, my SO is soon-to-be 32. We have lived together 3 years and have been together for 3.5 years. My ovaries are screaming at me that it is time to have children (I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else) and I am trying to keep my feelings in check (pretty successfuly at the moment). However, it is becoming increasingly difficult.
My parents and sister have been good about it (my sister has only asked once what are plans are and my parents have mentioned once that they will make a certain amount available for a wedding and we could use their place for a cocktail reception – they have moved since then. Point is they have only mentioned it once). His sister and mother, on the other hand … Well, his mother is constantly putting pressure on him. His sister is telling him he needs to do it soon. On top of that she has planned on getting pregnant the following year and she wants us to start having kids around the same time so her kids have cousins to play with. Then I hosted a BBQ for coworkers and a friend that works in the same industry (so she could network a bit) at mine and SO’s house. (Background info: the friend is turning 35 and waiting for the ring – been together for 5 years but he isn’t ready because he just got his divorce finalized, wants kids, but none of this seems to be happening any time soon) One of the coworkers got plastered. She proceeded to tell us both that we need to start having kids soon because complications start piling up, etc. We are both very aware and this person didn’t even know my friend before that time.
How do you deal with people who are pressuring you to do it all but are waiting? That we feel it but we cannot make the other person feel ready? It’s just so frustrating. Do any of you get that happening to you?
Post # 3
I had baby fever (that horrible burning desire every moment of the day) for a year!
Every time someone asked me when we were going to have kids, I would laugh and say “Well, DEFINITELY not until AFTER the wedding!” (But I’m from a Catholic, Italian family where children are ALWAYS born in wedlock… Even if they’re not concieved in it)
When people asked when we were getting married, I always said “I don’t know… I’m so excited about the surprise!”
Side note: I got pregnant on the honeymoon, but my family is already making jokes about “before the wedding”…
Post # 4
@laceydoilies I get this ALL the time!!!! I’m pretty open though around my family cos we’re close. I’m 30 so defo have babies on the brain! I do know we will be engaged soon( hopefully before the end of the year) not soon enough for me but hey I’m not gonna say anything! I’ve kinda decided that we might have a baby inbetween an engagement and a wedding I haven’t told anyone this yet. Or else we’ll just have a very small wedding that doesn’t take a year of planning! When ppl make comments I normally say ” I think I prefer dogs than babies” ( I’m obsessed with animals so this could well be true)
A funny story actually my SO said to my mum about a month ago that we need to have kids soon. My mum and I are very close and have a warped sense of humour. I was a bit annoyed cos he knows i at least want to be engaged first. I said to SO ” but I can’t have kids I was born a man” my mum totally played along. She was like ” do you not think she has a strong jaw line”
poor SO! But it definitely got him off the subject!
Post # 5
@laceydoilies: oh another one of my favourites is ” don’t worry I have some fresh ones frozen in the bank”
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@BrandNewBride: Those are great responses. I, unfortunately, am not blessed with a quick witted brain so usually just smile 😛 I’ll have to remember those ones!
@Bettyboo1982: Hahaha oh your poor SO! I don’t know how I would feel if I were in your shoes! It’s great you have such an understanding mother and you are able to joke around like that!
@Bettyboo1982: Good lord, that is awful. Tell me that one is a joke because that’s kinda gross!
Thanks for helping me cheer up ladies! I just get so annoyed (especially because a lot of times I find it quite insensitive!)
Post # 7
@laceydoilies: I would smile, point to your boyfriend and tell them to ask HIM (since he’s the actual hold up.)
Post # 8
I’ve been with SO for 6 years and his mother lately introduced me as his girlfriend… how degrading!! In the end it is our life so don’t get those around you to get in your head.. bit in my case it is hurtful because I do want to get married for a lng time now and she is only reminding me about this 🙁
Post # 9
@inspiration86: You’re blaming his mother for describing you as his girlfriend? There’s no diss there, that’s what you are!
He’s a 35 yr old man who has been “dating” you for 6 years–blame him for not elevating you to fiance/wife status.
Or more accurately, blame yourself for putting up with remaining just his “friend” 6 years later….
Take back your power, stop waiting for a proposal and propose to him! If he doesn’t tell you yes or if then hems and haws over setting a date–at least you’ll have clarity about how important you really are in his life, and you can get on with yours.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@gemgirl6: LOL that would just annoy him. I think he would actually just be kinda mad at me if I said that.
@inspiration86: Well, how do you want her to refer to you as? She is acknowledging your relationship and exactly what it is. I would say that you might need to talk to your SO because you are displacing your anger with him onto his mother (and if you do get married that is not a good way to have a good relationship with her) :P. My SO’s mother refers to me as his partner – well, we aren’t married or engaged but we are living together. If she referred to me as his girlfriend then I would not be upset.
Post # 11
@laceydoilies: well , tough if he’s mad, why should you be the one who is “annoyed” by other when he is the real hold up?
Post # 12
@laceydoilies: If a stranger said that to me, I’d flat out say, “That’s really rude of you to comment on such a personal issue. When I choose to have kids is none of your business.”
If it were a close friend or relative, I’d probably just say, “Go bug [BF’s name].” I agree with gemgirl that if he’s the hold up, he should be the one to deal with the social consequences, not you. The fact that your feelings are getting hurt over this outweighs any annoyance he might experience.
Post # 13
@laceydoilies: tell them it’s none of their Goddamn business if and when you decide to procreate. It’s between you and your man and the are overstepping limits by asking you some thing so personal. As for the when are you all getting married question i always answer with “when we are standing at the alter”. This conveys the message and shuts people up real fast! Lol
Post # 14
I have no advice really, but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone! I’m 24, and the only girl in my family. My mom has recently started making comments about how she doesn’t have grand babies, and making me feel like it’s my problem to fix. It doesn’t help that she is the only one of her siblings who does not have grandkids. I have two older brothers! Go talk to them, and stop pressuring me into something I’m not ready for (considering they would not only be your grandkids, but MY kids, and I would have to take care of them). Eventually I told her that, and she shut up.