Post # 1
So I wanted to get some more perspectives from others about this. Recently two very close friends, whom were engaged, broke up. They have been together for 7 years and are very much part of my inner circle of friends which consists of many other couples as well. The break up was nasty because the male started going behind the female’s back and talking to his ex-girlfriend. Female found out but was willing to forgive, male says things are not working out and breaks up with her. Male is now dating his ex.
It has been about 3 months and rightfully so; my female friend does not want us seeing her ex and his new/old girlfriend. I have no desire to spend time with this woman because she does not have the type of character that I look for in a friend or acquaintance. At this point in time I am adamant about not seeing her and my husband understands. However, many of the guys, including my husband have seen her because although they are friends with the female, they are closer friends with the male, and he wants them to give her a chance.
My husband and I have had a discussion recently looking steps ahead. I 100% refuse to spend time one on one with them, however, what WILL happen is that she will be at group functions, especially if the person organizing is closer to the male than the female. I have already skipped 2 group functions because I knew the male and his ex would be there, and while my husband understands that it puts me in a weird position, he was disappointed that I didn’t go with him to the last group function and he missed me being there. Therefore, I know my refusal to attend will begin to eventually be a problem for my husband.
So ladies, how do you handle a messy break up within a group of close friends? I am still friends with the male but refusing to meet the new girl is becoming more and more difficult. If I were to attend a group event, I would NOT sit and talk to this girl, but I know just attending will REALLY upset my female friend. Any advice from those whom have been through something similar?
Post # 2
As much as I understand how you want to honor the wishes of your close female friend, ultimately she has no right to tell you who you can see or where to go or with whom you can interact. And frankly, if she can’t be a little bit more reasonable on that matter, then maybe you might want to question how good of a friend she really is. I mean does she really expect you to be avoiding them forever? Really??? Come on.
Break-ups are a fact of life. Couples who all share the same group of friends will break up and eventually, those friends will have to meet or interact with certain people’s new partners at some point, whether they like it or not. It’s part of the circle of life. You can’t go on sitting out of EVERY future group interaction where your guy friend and his current girlfriend will be. That’s just crazyness.
Post # 3
AnnieAAA: I sympathize with your friend and would be furious at this guy, but… as the previous poster said, these things happen, relationships end and people behave poorly, and the guy is still part of your friend group. You don’t have to support the two of them as a couple or even befriend the girl, but for your friend to expect for her ex to be cast out of the group is not reasonable, and neither is expecting that you avoid every group function from now on. Be there for her, reassure her that you’re on her side, and hopefully she will understand.
Post # 4
I don’t think friends should be placed in the position of having to take sides after a breakup. Although I do not condone what he did, unless there was abuse or some other unforgiveable act, human beings make mistakes.
Seeing them at social functions does not mean that you approve of what he did to your friend.
Post # 5
Your friend is hurt but is asking for something unreasonable. She can’t control who turns up to events. She is asking you to take sides.
Just do what you normally do and if you run into them just act like a normal, civil adult.
Post # 6
AnnieAAA: I think that if you or your DH plans on remaining friends with the male, you are going to have to stop avoiding these social situations. I 100% understand the loyalty you feel for your friend (I’m one of those people who is loyal to a fault sometimes), but you need to be able to live your life, and this seems to be getting in the way of that. You definitely don’t need to go out of your way to be friendly to the ex gf, but you should at least be cordial.
Post # 7
I don’t think I’d want to hang out with a guy that was chatting up his ex (quite probably emotionally cheating) before dumping my friend. He sounds kind of smamry and I’d rather keep better company.
Post # 8
Can you explain this to your friend? That your husband would like you to go with him to these group functions and the new/old girlfriend may or may not be there? Can you explain to her that you don’t have any interest in talking to the gf, but would like to go for your husband’s sake?
Post # 9
honestly your friend is being unreasonable. You met them both in person and with that being said you have every right to be friends with who ever you want. If it were me I would take the high road and give the new girl a chance. It dosnt mean you don’t have to stop being friends with your lady friend but I would give your guys friends gf a chance. If anything do it out of respect for your guy friend. when most of my guy friends date someone I at least FB their signifant others a few times on Facebook just to talk and if I don’t click with them then I keep my distince from them but if I see them at a function I would most certainly go out of my way to talk to them. It shows that I’m taking a interest in my friends life.
Post # 10
You’re such a good friend! I know a lot of posters are saying to suck it up and be cordial…. but if you were really good friends with the girl who got betrayed by her ex FI than I really underatand where you’re coming from. I agree that it’s not realistic to boycott this girl forever if your DH is still good friends with the ex FI. But this also happened to one of the girls in my circle of friends (her ex FI broke-up with her via voicemail and you could hear the other girl talking in the background) and all us girls, we ALL boycotted the guy and his new girlfriend. In the beginning it was really difficult to avoid those two because they attended a lot of the events we did. But eventually over time, it became easier and easier because we grew tighter as a group and the ex FI and other girl made new friends and started hanging with other people.
In my personal opinion, having gone through something like this, I’ve taken a stand to completely avoid sh*tty disrespectful selfish people and to not have them in my personal life or circle of friends. In the beginning, yes the changes are really uncomfortable in social situations. But if you stay strong and continue to take a stand for not being around crappy people, things will eventually adapt around you and it’ll get easier. But this is my personal experience, and not many people will agree since most people can’t stand to be uncomfortable and would rather everything to go back to the way things were.
Post # 11
usually over time, friends will fall with one side or the other. I had a bad breakup and it took a long time for our group of friends to sort themselves out, considering what happened. Weirdness will always happen, especially when people start dating again.
The new girl/ex in this situation is only part of what happened. If you’re going to be mad at someone, it should be the guy should it not? After all, he’s the one who did your friend dirty!
Bottom line: you can’t avoid life because you’re mad at someone you’ve never met. It’s hard now, but things will get easier for everyone involved.
Post # 12
Good for you for being loyal. It’s so awful that your friend lost her fiance and is now losing her friends because they all want to party and don’t care if she’s included or not. People are taking sides by attending group functions they know she won’t be welcome at.
I think a good compromise for your husband’s sake would be to attend some group functions and be polite (even if her ex is there), but more frequently host and organize awesome events where she is invited, and they aren’t.
(BTW, I don’t have a good opinion of cheaters. I’ve known two who were fun and charming men, but were unreliable and irresponsible. The weakness of their characters showed up in small but frequent ways (like promising to help you move but not showing up, or ogling other women even when dating new girlfriends). I know you husband doesn’t want to miss out on fun parties, but if it comes down to building a lasting, true, meaningful friendships, I’d put my money on your female friend.)
Post # 13
Thanks everyone for your insight, you have all given me alot to think about.
This whole situation has been so tricky for me, my husband, and all of our friends because we have been friends with both of them for so long. Also, at every outing technically they are both invited, and through the grapevine they each figure out if the other is going and if one is, the other doesn’t. I think it’s just because the break up is still so new, so maybe as the months pass I will have a talk with her about attending some group functions. I do, however, plan on always refusing to spend time one-on-one with them because that is something I am not interested in despite that it would also hurt my friend.