Post # 1
I’m having troubles with a friend of mine, she’s been with an abusive man for 4 years and the you’ve together at his family farm. I’ve never like him and he treats her really bad. Over the years she left him several times but he always gets her back. She’s not herself anymore, the friend I once had is gone.
Last night she said she is ready to leave again. I want to support her as best as I can so this time she has the confidence to stay away when he comes with his sorry and promises never to do it again. Help, I just want my friend back, I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
It’s not unusal for it to take more than one attempt to leave. Maybe you could start by sharing the DV hotline info with her http://www.thehotline.org and letting her know you’re there for her.
You can help her make her escape plan, getting all of her necessary documents in order, etc without her husband finding out.
Is there DV facility in your area? You could go with her for moral support. They usually offer counseling & guidance on how to escape.
Being there for her is so important. She’ll need someone to give her reality checks when he starts trying to pull her back in.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
Ok, I think it’s great you are there to support her through this. But…she’s got to be ready to go on her own.
I was in a abusive relationship for 6 years myself. And no matter how many black eyes and brusies i had…i didn’t leave until i was ready.
I had to say enough was enough. My ex was the biggest ahole on the planet!!! So when i finally got a taste of my freedom and started to feellike myself again….it was enough for me to be like I AM FOREVER DONE!!!!
As long as she leaves for good suport her. But she can’t keep going back and forth.
Post # 5
Just be there to help and support her when she decides to leaves…and actually goes through with it. You can’t “help” her leave though. She has to be ready and want to leave on her own. I know this because my best friend was in an abusive relationship once and even though she knew I hated the guy and how awful he was, she only left when she really felt ready.
Post # 6
@Sassy9226: I believe everything @sassy411: just said and thats what I would do too. But as previous posters have said its up to her. My best friend had to go through this and it took her years to fully commit. Your friend needs to make the choice but you are doing exactly what a friend should do and loving her and being there for her no matter what!
Post # 7
Maybe my original post wasn’t as clear as I thought it was.
She told me last night she is ready to try and leave again, this will be attempt number 8.
Th problem is she always goes back, he tracks her down where ever she is staying and causes problems for everyone invloved, the police have been called. She refuses to press charges.
She only has two friends left becuase of everything that’s been going on, just me and one other girl. He will find her and promise her everything, and she always believes him.
As much as I want her to stay away, he is smart and he knows how to get to her every time, and I think this time he will probably propose to get her back, and she will never leve if they get married.
I know that if that happens this will only end when she’s dead.
Post # 8
@absolutely_tati: +1! Been there done that!
Post # 9
She needs to get into a DV shelter, in that case. Please call the hotline for help.
The magic number is 7 attempts to leave–7. So there is hope for your friend,
Post # 10
@Sassy9226: Is your friend in Canada or the US? In the US there are DVPOs (domestic violence protective orders) which protect people from being contacted by their abusers. This is a CIVIL action, not criminal, so it’s not pressing charges, it is just an order that says “do not contact me” and if it is violated the abuser can be arrested. It can be a good deterrant for some abusers who have a lot to lose being arrested/having a DVPO violation on their record.
The best thing you can do for your friend is continue to support her in whatever decision she makes in order to keep the line of communication open. She has to be ready to go. Since she says she is, it would be helpful to connect her with some local domestic violence resources. If you can share what area/province you’re in I may be able to help you locate the closest resources. I cannot understate the importance of helping her find a SAFE place to go when she leaves because we know that the time after a victim leaves is often the most dangerous.
Post # 11
We are in Canada, Saskatchewan to be exact.
I know that it sounds horrible, but it so hard to be supportive when she keeps going back. I don’t know if I could ever support her through planning a wedding with this guy, I don’t think I have it in me.
I already lost a friend due to domestic violence issues, I don’t think I can watch it happen again. I feel like a selfish jerk when I think about it though.
Post # 12
What everyone has said is right…I had at least 5 friends telling me to leave and yet I couldn’t truly leave until I was ready. No amount of pep talks, lectures or caring comments (despite the fact they were coming from a heartfelt place and we’re true) could have made me walk out that door a second before I came to the realisation myself that I’d had enough. It’s hard but all you can do is listen to your friend and support her when she finally does leave.
Post # 13
I don’t know whether it’s possible but maybe going on a trip for a week to get away from him or something? I think its key what PP said about ‘feeling herself again’.