- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2010
Hi Hive, I am a regular poster here, but feeling a little embarrassed about this question, and so am going anon for this one. Any input/advise would be much appreciated, I’m feeling a little at the end of my rope.
My Fiance is a big guy, always has been. This isn’t necessarily a problem, I’ve always found him very physically attractive…but in the past year or so he has gained almost 40 pounds, and it’s starting to impact our relationship. He has said he really wants to lose 30-35 pounds before our wedding. He really dislikes the way he looks (the weight gain has been in the belly and moobs). I am totally supportive, and certainly never say nasty things about weight to him, or anything like that.
But, I feel like I am the ONLY ONE who will do anything about losing weight. Somehow, all the research and effort is on ME. He is incredibly smart, but I feel he is being intentionally dense about what foods we need to avoid. He pretty much seems to think anything is ok (i.e., fatty red meats everyday, etc.) as long as we have a big salad with it and acts shocked when I say no, those things aren’t diet-friendly (esp not for everyday eating). He was shocked when I told him the TJ’s tamales we sometimes have are almost 300 calories each – hello, that info is right on the package!!! He can see it as well I as can. I take a lunch everyday to work (and track my calories online), and he eats lunch out everyday, and again, just assumes “sandwiches are good, right?” (like, with mayo, and has chips with them, etc.). I can say “no, mayo is not low-fat” over and over again – it’s like it doesn’t sink in.
I do 90% of the cooking and we cook most everything from scratch, and I’ve cut down our portion sizes (the new portions are quite reasonable still!), but he eats everything SO FAST. I swear, I’m like on my third bite, and his plate is clean. He would eat a whole package of bacon if I cook it, without pausing. I try to (gently, nicely) mention to him he should eat slower and enjoy things, but I could mention it every night – he listens, but nothing happens.
We do go to the gym, but I know we need to go more. He thinks 30 minutes is “enough”, and again, seems surprised when I say we need more than 30 minutes to lose real weight.
I feel like whenever I do try to say something, he gets very, very hurt. He takes it as a personal insult, though it’s not indented as such, and I don’t say it in an insulting way at all.
I want him to lose the weight. I don’t mean that in a &^#$%^ way – HE regularly says he feels disgusting, gross, etc. I certainly don’t think he is “gross” looking – but honestly, I am less physically attracted to him now at this current weight than I was at the beginning of the relationship at his old (chubby cute) weight, although I would never tell him this. 🙁
I don’t know what to do, I feel very stressed out because of this. I don’t know how to broach the subject without hurting his feelings, which is paramount to me.
Has anyone had any experience broaching the subject of significant weight loss with their SOs?
(For the record, I am 120 pounds, which is heavier than I’ve ever been in my life….and I’m trying to lose 10 pounds also, but I have no experience with dieting/weight loss, and feel lost. The only other time he gained a lot of weight was the same time his first marriage broke up and he unhealthily crash dieted for many months after their divorce. I definitely do NOT want him crash dieting, or doing anything unhealthy, and I want him to feel good about himself, because I love him!)
Sorry for the length, thanks for letting me vent.