Post # 1
Especially when "doesn’t like" is putting it mildly!
The fiance and I are friends with a couple that were married last year. I’m going to call them John and Jane. John and my fiance have been friends since high school, then John and Jane started dating in college shortly before my fiance and I started dating so we’ve been hanging out together for years. John is even going to be the best man at the wedding.
However, I have no idea how to include Jane. First of all, the fiance can’t stand her. He thinks she’s dumb and totally wrong for his best friend….which is probably true. Jane and I were roomates for a couple of years, then we hit a rocky patch and only hung out in a group for awhile, so it was a total surprise to me last year when she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I didn’t ask her to be one of mine because I had several friends from childhood I wanted to have with me, as well as my future sister in law, who also hates Jane.
So now I’m trying to come up with ways to still make Jane included. Not only do I want to reciprocate in some way the honor she bestowed upon me by making me a bridesmaid (even though she totally admitted that it was just to balance out the sides – John couldn’t choose between two guy friends to stand with him, so Jane said he should pick both and she’d just add me on to her side). She’s not a great public speaker, so doing a reading is out. I thought about asking her to be a sort of day of coordinator – she’s helped out at friends weddings and has been married herself so I figured she’d be a good choice. Plus it’d make her feel important yet keep her out of my fiance’s way. I brought it up to the fiance and – nope. He doesn’t want to give her that much responsibility.
I’m not sure my fiance will be happy with ANY job we give her. He thinks it’s her own fault if she’s whiny on the wedding day because she doesn’t have anything to do while the wedding party is doing it’s thing (and she will complain, to her husband if no one else. Who will then bring it up to my fiance.), but I really don’t want those negative vibes around!
Wow, this got long. Anyway, any suggestions hive?
Post # 3
I don’t think she should have any part of the wedding, aside from being a guest. You don’t seem to be friends with her, let alone like her much. You shouldn’t include someone just because you feel bad because she asked. Clearly it is John here that is the friend, and she is just his wife and you are thus friends by association. Leave it at that.
Post # 4
You could ask her to be the guest book person, greeter to hand out programs, maybe give her your camera and ask her to take some shots with it throughout the day?
If her husband is in the wedding party she’ll be indirectly involved, I don’t think she otherwise needs a job- but th eones above don’t require much responsibility (people will get programs and sign the guest book without much direction) and don’t require her to talk to you FI.
Post # 5
If you REALLY want to include her, talk to your FI about it–but it sounds like you’re just doing it out of obligation. You said that she admitted to you that she only picked you to "even out the sides"? That’s pretty rude to actually say that to you. I say, if you only want to do this out of a sense of being indebted to her, don’t include her. You aren’t indebted, this is yours and your FI’s wedding, not hers, and you get to include whoever you want. If she has a problem with it, it’s HER problem, not yours. If she whines on the wedding day, that’s not your responsibility.
And as for negative vibes, she’s only one person and how much contact will you really have with her on the wedding day? Honestly, if you include her I bet you’ll get more negative vibes. Some people are just negative no matter how you try to appease them, and if you include her in the ceremony you’ll have her around you more than you would otherwise.
Remember, this is your wedding day, it’s a time for joy and celebration. You don’t have include people out of obligation–you get to limit it to people who can really participate in the celebration. If you wouldn’t have asked her to participate but for the fact that she asked you to be in her wedding, you don’t have to include her just because she did.
Hope this was helpful (i.e. not to bossy!) Good luck and I hope you make the decision that’s best for you.
Post # 6
I think it’s really nice of you to want to include her, but it sounds like it would be too much of a headache for those who are already in your wedding, paritulcarly your fiance.
If she isn’t going to have a good time because she can’t spend time with her fiance, then that’s her problem. She doesn’t have to attend. It’s no one’s fault but hers if she can’t loosen up and have a little fun on her own.
My FI was the best man in a wedding this past Saturday, and I had a blast.
Post # 7
I have a similar issue with my future sister in law (married to my fiance’s brother) and I agonized over whether to include her as she had complained to my FMIL and her husband about feeling excluded as she was not a B/M. In the end everyone advised me not to add her to the bridal party for two reasons:
1 – It is your day and it should be how you want it to be. I really only wanted my close friends and family members as my bridesmaids
2 – She is an adult and if she is trying to make your day all about her by complaining to her husband then that shows the calibre of her character.
It took a long time for me to agree that the above was true as I hate to think I offended anyone, but in the end I agree with what everyone told me and I am glad I made the decision I did. I hope this helps!
Post # 8
Maybe I’m a bit a *bitch* when it comes to weddings and the thought that it’s YOUR wedding and you and your fiance get to do what YOU want 🙂
For perspective I was a bridesmaid in a good friends wedding right before ours. (same month) She’s a college sorority sister whom I’m still good friends with and talk to often. But…. she wasn’t invited to my wedding. Is this mean? NO. I was also MOH in a high school friends wedding a couple years ago, and she wasn’t invited to my wedding.
I’m not into this ‘reciprication’ stuff. Our wedding was small (50) and mostly family. I invited my 4 closest girlfriends, and that’s it. I had lots of good friends that weren’t invited (including other weddings I’ve been in and been invited too). They all understood what we wanted for our wedding and no one seemed upset or made a scene about it. Yes some were sad they didn’t get to experience our day – but they also respected our plan 🙂
Ok that’s my soapbox 🙂
A. I agree her comment "just to balance out the sides" was rude and inappropraite. And should relieve you of any feelings you have of the ‘need to recipricate.
B. Since she’s not technically a good friend or family member (and would prob not be invited if she wasn’t married to the BM), personnally I wouldn’t want her in a position were she is greeting guests and kinda representing you guys. (guest book, programs) Then again from your post I’m not really sure how you feel about her.
C. You are obviously a very thoughtful person for caring about her feelings 🙂 Hope you and your fiance can talk this through and find a solution where you are both comfortable with her role or non-role 🙂
Post # 9
I also have a BM that my FI can’t stand (he also thinks she’s dumb and an annoying drunk). But she happens to be one of my best friends in the world, so I can overlook that. But it seems like this girl isn’t one of your best friends in the world. I’m with the pps — I think you should let your FI have his way on this one.
However, that won’t get rid of the negative vibes that you’re afraid of (and for good reason — why worry about that on your wedding day??). If you want to reduce potential whining, I’d seat her with her husband at dinner. I think your idea of a "DOC" is also a good one — provided that she’ll actually do the job (you don’t want to rely on her if she won’t actually do it). I’ve also heard of including people as a "photographer’s assistant" — making sure that everyone who needs to be in pictures is rounded up and fending off overly enthusiastic guests (she would also be "included" in bridal party pictures, if you did this). Just some thoughts!
Post # 10
You’re not in any way obligated to include her by giving her some kind of job just because her husband is a groomsman. I have been a bridesmaid in a lot of weddings, and I’m sure it never occurred to anybody to try to rope my SO into some kind of job just because I was in the wedding party. My sister is my MOH, and we’re not asking her husband to have any part in the wedding, and I’m sure he’s happier just to hang out as a guest.
Post # 11
Most of our wedding party is married. I’m trying to include the spouses in a few ways:
1. Invite to the rehersal dinner. This is going to take some negotiation with the future in-laws since they’re hosting, but I’d feel weird not inviting them. I mean, we have girls nights and guys nights without the spouses, but we often do stuff as couples. And since I’m going to be with my soon to be spouse at the rehersal dinner, it’s odd to me to exclude the other spouses. So if it means pizza party rehersal dinner, I’d rather have that then exclude them.
2. Most likely, the spouses will be driving to the wedding with our bridal party. So they’ll be there early anyway. Which makes them perfect candidates to help with last minute set up, programs and guestbook, gift table attending, etc.
3. Letting the wedding party sit with their spouses at the reception.
Admittedly, we get along with all the spouses. And I’d agree that you’re under no obligation to include ‘Jane’. But those are just a few ideas on ways to include her, or at least not exclude her.