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Whoa!!! That's a tough one. I guess I would start by contacting her and asking if flower girl can be part of your day...and you would like her to attend with her father and his wife...hopefully that would get the point across. Otherwise, just be completely straight with her...chances are she won't care anyway. Other than that....GOOD LUCK!!!
i'm pretty nervous about her saying no straight up... its not his weekend otherwise i would just send the invite along and include her in his...
I've told her we would like FSIL in the wedding and she kinda gave a little tude and said "we'll see.. you'll have to take her from FFIL if you want her.." and FFIL wont even let FSIL's gramma and grampa take her on their weekends...
oy. or is it oi? i dunno. but in either case it makes me want to elope.
I think this is a very tough situation. However, is there any reason you are not working with FI to deal with it? Weddings aren't about "I", they're about "We" and honestly, this situation seems to be about your FI much more than you. So forget about the "I have chosen to do this" or "How do I invite FSIL": it's his sister, his family, and his drama. So my advice is figure out the right course of action with FI and maybe his parents as well. Maybe they will decide to invite the girl's mom. Maybe they'll decide not to invite FSIL at all. Either way, it sounds like they will know best.
I would say that is pretty much entirely impossible. If she's your flower girl, you pretty much have to invite her mother, unless for some reason your FFIL, FSMIL and FI all agree that she shouldn't be invited. If you want to avoid drama, pick a different flower girl?
What's FI's father's relationship like with the ONS? Do they talk often and get along okay? If so, I think she should be invited...especially if it's important to your FI. and sorry, I"m a little confused. The ONS said, "YOu should just take her from FFIL," but then you said it's not his weekend with her. So he doesn't have her that weekend? So what did ONS mean about taking her from FFIL?
"FI does NOT agree with this decision, he wants her there because of how close she is to the family." Listen to your FI its his family.
I kind of agree with @girlwitharing, its your FI's family so to be honest he is the one who needs to deal with it. If I were in your situation I would have my FI talk with his dad about getting her the weekend of the wedding because you guys want her in the wedding.
It's your FI's family. I think it's ultimately his decision. If he wants her there, he wants her there. If he wants to navigate these tricky waters, so be it.
I'm guessing since FFIL and ONS share a child, on some level, everyone is used to the awkward cordiality of it all.
I say you can't have one without the other. And it's mostly HIS say, and he should be making the decision (his family drama). I would say cut the flower girl or invite her mom- you can have both or neither.
I agree wiht ejs that it seems like they're used to it since the mom is close with the family.
I don't think you CAN invite the daughter and not the mother. That's a toughie, but if it means a lot to have the daughter there, you might have to bite the bullet and invite her mother, too- one night stand or not.
Sorry but I don't think you can invite a child and not invite her mother. But don't punish the child for adult drama.
Honestly, I'm with the previous posters - I don't think you can really invite a child and not the mother. Sorry!
If your future father in law has joint custody of the girl (has her on weekends), then I would ask him. He can work out the details of "who's weekend" it is with the mother. I would include the flower girl's name on his invitation and leave the mother out of it. If it's his kid, then it's his mess and let the future father in law figure out the logistics. If you were a friend of your future father in law from work or something unrelated to the "ONS", then you might invite him and his wife and his children, regardless of the child's actual mother. I hope that makes sense, but I would ask your future father in law for help on this. Or more so, have your FI talk to his dad and/or the mother since he wants his sister at the wedding.
Being a single mom I think you can invite the the child without inviting the mother only as long as the father is there. I wouldnt mind at all if my daughter were invited to be a flowergirl at a wedding and I werent invited as long as her dad were there with her
I really don't think you can, or if you did that would be extremely rude. The mother would definately want to see her child in the wedding. So, my advice is, either allow the mother to come, or don't put the girl in the wedding.
I have to say as the mother....I wouldn't WANT to be there. My daughter was a flowergirl in her father's wedding at 4...in KY and I live in NC. I had a mutual friend of mine and my daughter's father safely transport her to and from KY and I talked to her each day. She is going to be with her father...not a stranger.As far as seeing her daughter being a flowergirl...her daughter will be dressed up on a lot of occassions...I could see it being important if her daughter was a flowergirl for her wedding or one of her family members...but that's not the case.
Given the awkward history between the mother of the child, FFIL and FMIL (step-mom) I think that FI is being kind of insensitive to his step-mom's feelings. Plus, if you invite her...you have to worry about where she sits...does she get the same status as your FIs step-mom as far as being seated with the family...what about at the reception? That would be too much for me on my day...rather she just not come.
We had my husband's son as our ringbearer. We REALLY didn't want his mother (DH's ex) to come, but we bit the bullet and invited her anyway, and she had the decency to decline and work out arrangements for my step-son to travel with another family member. If your FI thinks that ONS ought to be invited, I say do it and hope that she declines... I mean, I can't imagine that it would be much fun for her to attend!
if the relationship between ONS and FFIL and FMIL wasnt so awkward and tense i would have invited her in a heartbeat because of how close she is to the rest of my future in laws.. but i know that FI's brothers wedding was tension filled bc of her and i cant get FI to realise it..
well, like the previous poster's said...it's not really your choice. it's his family, his drama, his decision. so my advice is to work it out with him, if he insists, ONS should be invited. if she wasn't the mother of FSIL would you be ok with inviting her? if the answer is yes, she should be included. it's HIS family and it seems like he wants her there.
My nephew will be our ring bearer, and his mother and my brother are no longer together. While they have joint custody, my nephew lives with his mother primarily. She and my brother are on excellent terms, but I'm not inviting her to my wedding. Because he's a child, my nephew isn't getting his own invite, he'll be included as part of my brother's the way any other child would be.
Yikes, that is a tough situation! First, I think that your FI might have better insight into who, from his family, should be invited. Maybe talk again about inviting flower girl's mom? If he wants her there...
But that issue aside, I think that you should invite flower girl THROUGH her father, FFIL. Just talk to him about it and let him make arrangements through her mother. That way you don't have to deal with that at all, don't have to send an invitation. I think it's appropriate to send an invitation for a child TO the parent who will be attending with the child.
Good luck!
it is your FI's family. He should have the final say. If there is drama bc of his decision then he can deal with it. Also, a flowergirl should have her mother there. Pick a different flowergirl and then don't invite the old one or her mom.
I would sit down and talk with your FFIL and your Fi about it. Then talk "woman to woman" with your FSMIL, about what you are the boys talked about. It's ultimately up to you AND your FI, but if you don't want to step on toes, talk to the in-laws, as well, don't just disclude them.
Well that is a sticky situation to say the least but why not have her father do it. It is his daughter. Can't he have his daughter be in his son's wedding without her mother there. I'm assuming he does have interactions with his daughter right?
Won't inviting the 1/2 sister produce the same result?
"Oh, who is that adorable little flower-girl?"
"That's DH's little 1/2 sister."
"I didn't know DH's father & his wife had a baby!"
"They didn't."
(Awkward.)
So maybe just invite both?? You are in one tough pickle-I feel for you!
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FI has a 4year old half sister... She lives full time with her mom and the birth of this sister has been a huge source of drama for the entire family. FI's dad had a one night stand (ONS who happens to be FI's aunt's best friend and close friend of the family for at least 15 years) while casually dating FI's stepmom and married stepmom a month after finding out that the one night stand was pregnant.. his entire family thinks "he should have done the right thing"
anyways... as a way to not insult my future father in law and his wife, -I- have chosen NOT to invite the ONS because I dont want any drama between them and I would like to start off on the right foot with FI's Step. FI does NOT agree with this decision, he wants her there because of how close she is to the family.
SO... How do I invite a 4 year old FSIL but not her Mom? I dont want to do it and have ONS think she is included.