(Closed) How to lay down the rules for bachelor party?

posted 8 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
255 posts
Helper bee

I sympathise but I’m not sure there is really much you can do other than have a serious talk with him about what you’re ok with and what you are not.

I have two rules; no tattoos and no visible scars 😉

Post # 4
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think that the groomsmen are the issue here and if you try to tell them what is or isn’t okay, then they will resent you for it.  You can’t control what they do, but if your FI respects you and clearly understands your expectations, then he shouldn’t cross a line no matter what they have planned and he should be the one to say something to them.  IMO, if you are going to marry this guy, then you should be able to sit down and express your opinion on the subject and have him respect what you say.

I’m not keen on FI going to a strip club either, and he knows this, but I have also discussed ground rules with him in the event that he ends up at one with his friends.  He knows what my boundaries are and what is going too far.  I never said he couldn’t do something (because in my experience, that doesn’t work anyways, he’s a grown man), but if I take a different tact and calmy, rationally explain how I feel about it (without being accusatory or angry or obviously jealous), then he is usually pretty willing to hear me out and make some sort of compromise with me.  I think I prefaced that conversation (we were already talking about his cousin’s bachelor party and what they might do for it) with something along the lines of, “I love you and I trust you, but I don’t like the idea of other girls touching you in a strip club.  It would feel like cheating to me.” and let the conversation progress from there.  We have a no private dance or lap dance agreement, but that was our compromise.

Bottom line, you should be able to trust your guy and he should respect your feelings, and if he can’t do that, then he probably isn’t going to magically stop those behaviours when you are married.  Is that a marriage you really want?  That said, boys are stubborn and sometimes refuse to think about things, so if you don’t make your opinions crystal clear, he may not know because he can’t read your mind (sometimes we expect them to realize certain things and when they don’t it is SO frustrating).  Try talking to him and see how he responds.  Hopefully you can find a happy compromise!

Post # 5
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Do not contact the groomsmen.  This is between you and your FI.  If strippers are an issue for you, you need to talk with your FI and come to some agreement.  At that point, he can ask the groomsmen not to schedule any strippers or whatever.  But he’s the one you need to trust–not the groomsmen.  After all, if you talk to the GM and they promise no strippers, but then there is one, you’re not really in a position to do much to them.  And it would be unfair to punish your FI if you had gotten promises only from the groomsmen.  And it would be even worse if it was a GM making a promise to a BM.

Post # 6
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

FI went to Vegas and I simply told him I wasn’t comfortable with lapdances. I knew they’d be going to a stripclub and he wouldn’t have much control over it since it was a joint bachelor party with another groom. Anyway, it turns out he said no to all lapdances and told me some of the other guys got them but it was kinda akaward. Just let him know how you feel and he should respect that. I wouldn’t talk to the groomsmen, this is between you and your FI.

Post # 7
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree with others you need to talk with your FH about how you feel about strippers. And about what crossing the line is to you.

If they are deff going to a strip club and its somewhere local why not have a girls night and go out to the bars and check out the club they are going to. A lot of girls I know always HATED the stripclubs until they actully went and saw what it was really like. Another thing to remember is the girls at the club only want the guys money, they could care less about the person they are dancing for.

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree withthe pps.  honstly, I’m upset for you with how your FI is handling this.  He’s passingthe buck.  He doesn’t want you to talk to him b/c he doesn’t know what is planned and has suggested you talk to his GMs?  That’s setting you up to get more upset, and a fast track to be disliked by his GMs.  That wasn’t OK. 

I don’t know if he’s a wimp when it comes to his friends,  (I know a lot of guys don’t want to look PWed in front of their guys.)  or if he really does want to go to a strip club, but he is handling this all wrong.  You need to talk to him.  It is up to him to put his friends in their place.

Post # 9
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I would talk to your fi. He should respect you enough not to do anything that bothers you.

For my hubby’s bachelor party, he told me that they would go to a strip club, which was fine with me until I got a picture of a naked girl rubbing her who-ha all over him. So I said fine with strip club, but if he got a lap dance I’d be extremely uncomfortable. So he said  ok, we won’t go at all because he knew his friends would end up trying to buy him lap dances. They just went out to bars all night.

Post # 10
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s ultimately not up to you to contact the groomsmen, as tempting as it may be. All this will do is make them dislike you or anger your fiance. I agree that you need to sit down and talk to your future husband and explain to him that it bothers you. If he truly appreciates and cherishes you, he will be perfectly content in giving up stripper time for something a little tamer like artbee’s hubby did. 

Post # 11
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just went to a bachelorette party for a girl who contacted the groomsmen and told them that her FI was not allowed to go to a strip club. The guys actually weren’t even planning on it, but since she said something they took him to a strip club.

I am not a fan of strip clubs at all but know that it happens especially at bachelor parties. I just remind myself that FI is not the type of guy to go every wednesday night. I just told FI to respect me and that I didn’t need to hear the details. And you can try to tell you FI that you don’t want him to get him a lap dance, but as the groom someone may by one for him.

Post # 12
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree that this is between you and your FI.  The groomsmen aren’t accountable to you the way your FI is, so there’s no real incentive for them to not ignore your concerns and plan whatever they want.

I feel like whenever these strip club threads come up, people chime in with their own comfort levels and while it makes for interesting reading, it is of no help to the OP because we all have our own comfort levels.  Part of being married (or engaged) is – within reason – putting that person’s feelings first and respecting their boundaries.

If you aren’t okay with strip clubs, you need to make this clear to your FI and let him deal with his groomsmen.  If he loves and respects you and has any maturity whatsoever, he won’t be too embarrassed to lay down some ground rules with whoever’s planning the bachelor party.

Post # 13
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

@roxy821: Jeez, how old are those groomsmen? Personally, I feel that the older a guy is, nearly 30 and over, the allure of a strip club should be somewhat diminished….or am I just being silly? Well, if you trust your FI, then talk to him and let it go. DO NOT GO TO HIS FRIENDS, DO NOT!! It only sets you up to be the nagging fiancee that everyone would be talking about. I don’t know that I would agree that your FI was passing the buck, it could be that he REALLY DOESN’T KNOW and because you insisted, he told you to as his GM.

   Personally, I don’t care if for one day a couple of ladies give my guy a lap dance. I know him and I know the kind of person he is. He doesn’t really go for stuff like it but for one day, and for his friends and for s**t and giggles, go right ahead.

Post # 14
Member
1788 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m going to be the dissent here. You’re marrying this man, right? So therefore you should trust him. Be honest with yourself. He knows what you are and are not comfortable with. Telling him what he can and can’t do will just infuriate him. I wouldn’t appreciate my significant other telling me how to behave or control my actions.  Personally, I would not lay down any ground rules for him or his groomsmen. You make yourself look bad by controlling his behavior. If he loves and respects you, there should not need to be any “rules”. Children have rules, adults do not. If he is respectful and has not in the past shown any indication that he cannot be trusted, then just let it be. If that is not the case, well, maybe you should question whether you can marry someone you do not trust.

Post # 15
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I can sympathise… I was really REALLY uncomfortable with my FI’s impending bachelor’s, particularly as every time someone mentioned it, he and those attending would get shifty eyes and start with the ‘hur hur hur’s… it drove me nuts!

What not to do: Start going crazy in your head imagining all the horrible scenarios that could happen. Start randomly channeling your fears into casting dispersions on the people planning the party (them being FI’s friends and all–he’s not likely to take that well).

What to do: As most of the other Bees have said here, talk to your FI, but don’t start by setting rules. Instead, it’s time to be vulnerable and just let him know how uncomfortable you feel about certain specific things. Eg. if you’re uncomfortable with lapdances, then say that’s what you’re uncomfortable with. If you’re okay with them watching a poledance, then say that’s okay. Just express how you feel about specific things, and let him make his own decisions afterwards.

To help him empathise, I asked him how he would feel if I had a male stripper at my party, and the stripper proceeded to show me his privates, and thrust them at my face. My FI was NOT okay with that! (Well, neither was I!)

I’m very lucky because my FI has my best interests at heart, though sometimes he’s clueless about how some things affect me… it’s best not to expect them to read your mind.

Anyway, after the talk (seriously, be vulnerable–this gives him a chance to be the strong one, the one that’s in control of his own actions and how they affect you), it’s really up to him what he says yes or no to. Much as it might be desired, you can’t control his actions. You can only give him information that may influence his actions.

I hope it works out.

Post # 16
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@BrooklynRocks- They were all around 25, I guess you could say still at the immature age. My friends nags about everything and can be very immature when it comes to stuff so since the guys were tired of hearing it they took him.

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