(Closed) How to let go of a grudge… (FMIL issues LONG)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Grudge holder here, too. From your post, it sounds like you made the right decision for the two of you as a couple. Not to be too blunt, but your FMIL will get over it. How do I know? R’s grandmother literally went into an intense prayer session in the middle of fighting with R’s mom about the fact that we live together. It really upset her that much that she wouldn’t even look at us. It stung, but we just carried on, held our ground, and continued to be involved in family activities. She doesn’t like to talk about it, but she’s back to normal now and doesn’t bring it up often. 

It was really tempting to be pissed. It’s an awful feeling to be treated that way when you’re not doing anything wrong. But at a certain point, I think you just have to commit to getting over it without being spineless – by all means, still stick up for yourself! 

I hope things turn around for you. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 4
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

She will get over it!  My Catholic parents did eventually too!   Just hang in there.  It may take a while but it will be okay!

Post # 5
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I hate people like that.  She can have it her way if she pays your rent to live separately.  But as with so many other things in life, she who does not foot the bill gets no say.  If it were me (also a grudge holder), I’d give her a taste of her own medicine and refuse to acknowledge her existence.  What she’s doing is really childish, and I wouldn’t beg for her approval or even give the appearance of giving a crud what she thinks.

When it gets closer to the wedding she’ll come around.  And I think the best way for you to not resent her forever is to find a carrot to dangle over her (like being involved in the wedding) in order to get her to appologize for the way she’s treating you.  An apology will go far for your feelings.

Post # 6
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Awww it is so horrible for ppl to put us in these situations. I can sympathise with you. Not the exact same situation as you but i had a falling out with my FMIL over SIL not being bridesmaid at our wedding. She came round screaming and shouting at me infront of my 2yr old daughter and got very nasty. She said allsorts. We are now at the same point as you. My heart races at the thought of coming face to face with her. We havent spoken in months now. It’s not nice and very childish. The trouble is FMIL’s dont think they have done anything wrong. They think they have the right to tell us what to do. But they have to move on and let us live our own lives and make our own decisions! I really hope it gets sorted out for you. I am a terrible grudge holder and i know my relationship with my FMIL will never be the same again. Has your FH talked to her? Maybe he should step in and have a quiet word with his mum? Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You and your FI are adults and can make your own decisions…FMIL is probably realizing that her little boy is grown up and maybe feels a little threatened that she is not as “needed” anymore (since he will be moving out of her house)…

I bet anything there are more emotions playing in than just the traditional beliefs. She’ll get over it eventually, just be polite in front of her and focus your energies somewhere more productive (like how you’re going to decorate your new place together!)

Post # 8
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

stick to your guns. Making a united front is a good first step. Hang in there girl!

Post # 10
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would let it go.

This is a part of who she is as well, just as much of a character flaw as grudge holding.

If she truly loves her son she will get over it.

People are brought up differently and it’s hard for them to shed the beliefs they were brought up on.

Personal experience tells me they will get over it if she really loves her son.

Post # 11
Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

Unfortunately,the same thing happened to my daughter, and it has not been resolved. While not Catholic, his Mother thought it her ‘right’ to scream at them and condemn them to hell for all eternity for moving in together when they bought a house before they were married. Her THIRD husband chimed in as well telling them how wrong they were and that they were making the biggest mistake of their lives. Not only did they spend an hour making them miserable,they chose to do it in the car while my daughter and FI were picking them up from the airport. I guess they figured if they waited until they got home, both wouldn’t listen to their lecture and would just walk out the door.

When we were told about it the next day,we were furious and called them. Think they answered the phone? Ha. After 4 tries at contacting them,I left voicemail for her telling her how shocked and disappointed I was that she would speak to my daughter that way. That was almost 2 years ago,and nothing has changed. She put in her appearance for the wedding,but left immediately after the ceremony was over.

Sadly, some people have no room in their hearts for anything they believe to be ‘wrong’. I wish I had better news for you, but in this case, I believe my daughter and SIL are better off without these people in their lives. His Mother has also alienated another son, wife and 3 grandchildren so I can only wonder why she thinks she’s right and everyone else is so wrong. She’s missing out on so much, but it was of her own doing. I have no pity for her. She closed off her mind and heart to her children, and she’s the loser.

Good luck to you both. I wish you the best and that things will work out.

Post # 14
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree that she’ll have to get over it.  At least you are being honest about it.  My fiance’s friends that are also engaged spend 6-7 nights a week together but are telling their families they don’t live together because technically she has a separate apartment that she never stays at.  They don’t judge us for moving in together (as well they shouldn’t!) but come on…what’s the difference if you’re seriously spending every day together anyway?  That’s rent money being thrown out the window just for the sake of appearances. 

Post # 15
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but it’s been almost a year since MIL threw her hissy fit and she’s not “over it”.  So she ignores me.  When we are with his family, I don’t exist to her.  At the wedding, I still didn’t exist.  Several months after the wedding, I still don’t exist.

I like the advice of giving her a taste of her own medicine.  Be yourself when you go over, talk to FIL, if you’re feeling up to it say “Hi FMIL.  How are you?”  Smile and go on your way.  Just act like she doesn’t exist.  That’s what I do.

As long as you two are on the same page and put on a united front, let her throw her hissy fit.  She isn’t paying rent (literally, LOL) in your head so stop giving her the space!  I get how this has tainted your feelings a bit…I have no idea what will happen if MIL comes around or if I even want a relationship with her after everything that she’s done and how she treats people that she’s close to (No one treats you like family.).  I say protect yourself, don’t rush it if it makes you feel uncomfortable…listen to your gut ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, what a childish, manipulative woman.

She is trying to break you, and thinks that with enough silent treatment she will get you to do what she wants. I don’t know if it is even an option but DO NOT change your mind based on her behavior. It’s like giving in to a tantrum a child throws, it only encourages more tantrums (silent treatment if you don’t come over for dinner, live where she wants, have kids when she wants…)

You finance should talk to his dad maybe, get him to talk to her and explain that she is embarrassing herself with such behavior. She does not have to like what you are doing, but trowing a tantrum is just rude. Also you should stop trying to justify yourselves to her. That just encourages her view that she has a say in the situation, which she doesn’t. Hold strong, she will come crawling back if you have kids ๐Ÿ˜‰ (and probably before that)

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