Post # 1
I’ve noticed that I tend to carry resentment (over silly things) in my relationship, and I think it’s unhealthy. For example, I’m married now, but I still resent that my propsal was really lack luster. Because I’m still stewing on these things a little I bring them up when we fight.
Has anyone else struggled with this and how did you find a way to improve? Resentment is toxic to relationships and I don’t want to carry that in my marriage.
Post # 3
@cbgg: Me too. However, there is no point holding on to resentment: either do something about it, let it go or break up with the guy. Regarding a lack lustre proposal – why is this important to you? ie. What does a proposal mean to you? If you can get to the real issue, discuss it and resolve it, it will go a long way. If you are bringing up problems ask yourself what you want him to do. If it’s stuff that happened in the past that he can’t change, there is no point bringing it up again and again. Discuss it once, let him know how you feel and then let it go.
Post # 4
I agree. Resentment is toxic. I carried resentment over things too and the only thing that helped me was forgiveness. It sounds simple, but it is effective. You cant move on and let go of resentment until you learn to forgive and release it. Every night when you go to bed, say in your head “I forgive _____, it no longer bothers me. I am happy with now.” It is like sending subliminal messages to your subconscious. Dont worry about then, worry about now. You cant move forward without leaving things behind. Focus on leaving the resenment behind. Forgive it.
One quote really helped me. I even added it to my memo pad on my phone so I could read it when I felt resentment creeping in.
“Happiness consists not in having what you want, but in wanting what you have.”
I had a lackluster engagement too. It took place in my kitchen, next to the dirty dishes. I also carried resentment over having 3 sons. I wanted one girl, and got 3 boys instead 🙂 I learned to finally let it all go and am finally happy for my life that i have, not be upset over the life i wanted.
you have to accept that life never happens the way you imagine it to be. Forgive that in yourself. Do it all the time! I hope this helps. <3
Post # 5
@CloverQueen: Thanks for the great response.
A follow up question for you: the things that I resent aren’t really holding a grudge, but are most something that is representative of a more deep seeded worry/insecurity. The three main things I can think of are:
1) Lack luster proposal. I alwasy told my FI that I didn’t need a complicated proposal, but I’d really like one that showed he put a little bit of effort or planning in. It didn’t have to be elaborate, expensive, or crazy inventive or anything. Because I got something that was clearly not thought out (but still not spontanious, more like a chore that needed to get done) I feel resentful because I am ultimately insecure that he didn’t really want to marry me, and just did it because I had nagged him too much, or because others in our circle are getting married so he’s got to follow suite.
2) Moving. We are long distance due to me being Canadian and him being American. Without getting married I had no opportunity to move to the USA, but because of his job and his company he could have moved to Canada years ago if he had wanted to. Instead, he chose not to, mainly for reason of weather and liking the town he lived in better than the city I lived in. Similar insecurity to above, makes me feel like he puts some pretty shallow things above me.
3) Professional achievement. Both my DH and I have good jobs in fields that require a lot of professional training and experience. Due to moving issues (above) he’s essentially asking me to take a step down in my career and have to work my way back up, which is fine. What’s not fine is that while he works hard, he is not doing the work needed to pursue his professional designations (he’s an engineer) which is completely frustrating to me. I can’t stop myself from brining it up snidely to others outside our relationship. The deep seeded insecurity is that he won’t do everything he can to provide a solid foundation for our family, and that having fun and riding bikes is always going to be more important than doing serious things like taking your damn professional engineering tests!
God, I feel like such a bitch and like I’m making our relationship sound so aweful. We really do have a great (drama free!) relationship. But I never feel like I can make any headway on resolving these issues and letting them go.
Post # 6
@cbgg: I experience the same thing and it is so upsetting. I love my husband and am so greatful for my life but I still feel resentful about certain things that I know are not important. I do not have any advice, just wanted to know I know exactly what you mean!
Post # 7
@cbgg: Why did you marry him?
I read and re read your entire post and never once did you mention that you love him.
Your holding on to your resentment so much that I couldnt even tell from reading your post that you love him.
There are many important things in life that you will experience. Is a lack luster proposal really something that matters in the grand scheme of things? If it was so damned lack luster then why did you say yes?
Next, Moving should have been discussed before you decided anything. Its one of the quintessential things that couples discuss before they get married. It should have been discussed and rediscussed until you all came to an agreement that would make both of you happy. As it is already done, then you’re going to have to live with it. Its either that or you’re going to drive him away with the resentment and throwing it in his face. I certainly wouldnt want to be married to someone who threw every mistake I made up in my face.
As for the job, how do you know he isnt providing a stable and solid foundation? Are you and he suffering financial set backs? Is he not saving, is he not making enough money to provide for your family?
Not everyone chooses to get to the top of their profession. The higher you go up the ladder the more work and stress there is. Some people are perfectly happy being where they are.
Again these issues should have been discussed before you married. As they arent, then you need to learn to deal. As for talking about it outside your relationship do it here, dont put your husband down to people you know in person because it makes it awkward for them to meet you and your husband and not have preconceived notions.
Also I would suggest therapy for yourself. It sounds like you want to control everything. You cant make someone do something they dont want to do. If you keep being snide and acting like a bitch, you will eventually lose him.
You need to weigh that against keeping him. If losing him isnt that big of a deal then go right ahead and keep on being a bitch and nagging and eventually he will find someone who will love him and accept him just like he is.
Post # 8
@cbgg: You have to remember that resentment is a choice you make. It is not uncontrollable. I find that not letting stuff go makes people very unhappy. Can you set some internal deadline for resentment, like nothing after 2012, etc.?
Post # 9
@TexasSpringBride: Dang, tough love! I’ve got to you say, you are pretty much right on about everything. (Except one thing: we did talk about these things before getting married I just never felt like they get resolved so they’re always lingering.)
But generally, you are absolutely right.
A lack luster proposal doesn’t really matter to me – being worried that it meant he didn’t really WANT to get married does. And as you’ve said, make the choice every day to be the type of person that someone would want to be married to (aka, not an insecure nag) and this should not be a problem.
Moving – you’re right. I cant’ change the past or the fact that he didnt’ move up here years ago – I never even pushed for it too hard. We’ve got a plan for the future and I should focus on that.
Job – he does very well in his job and says he wants to get his professional degreees. I need to just be his cheerleader on this and stop making him feel bad for not having finished it yet. And I definetly need to bite my tounge and not mention it to other people; that’s just wrong.
Your right. It’s just hard some days. I do want to be in control of everything – including my own emotions, insecurities, and possibly self destructive actions! Sometimes I just need strategies to help because it’s not easy.
Oh, and I do love him very very much for tons of reason (I even have lists! :D). It just wasn’t the point of the post so I didn’t get into it. My husband is a wonderful person and we have a wonderful relationship. I just want to make sure I don’t mess it up with my own personality flaws, which I completely acknowledge are silly.
Post # 10
Thanks so much for the constructive ideas ladies!
I feel like I should also get back into yoga. Sometimes I’m just way into my own head, espeically now since we’re long distance for the moment.
Post # 11
@cbgg: It is really hard to let go of the past, especially past events that have hurt us. We remember the pain we felt and that the person we love caused it. It sucks. What I always tell myself is that I can’t change the past, but I can control the future. I don’t have to keep reliving the same thing and as hard as it is, you just need to let it go.
For me, an outlet is writing it all down. I get it out and it’s the last time I think about it. Then I rip the paper up and throw it away. That’s me letting it go. Silly, maybe, but it works for me. Also, if it is an issue with FI, I make sure we have talked about it, got to the root of it, and made sure it won’t happen again.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@cbgg: It is toxic. You gotta just LET IT OUT!!!!
Post # 13
@MrsPanda99: I like your idea about writing it down then tearing it up! Kind of a ritual.
Post # 14
@cbgg: It’s part of my process 🙂 I can compartmentalize with the best of them, but I find it is better to let it out, grieve, and move on. This physical representation helps me do it. I don’t want to spend my life stressing over the past. It already caused me stress once and that’s enough!