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hmm that is a toughie, perhaps you can include something on the website with your plans and the price ranges. Most people can take a hint when they see a price, it means its their dollar. OR invite them casually, like the week beforehand and mention its location and price range.
our friends are having a sunday brunch, they worded it as: "bride" and "groom" will be having brunch sunday at 10am. if you would like to see us one last time before we leave town please call the restaurant to make a reservation and ask to be seated near us so they can make appropriate accomodations"
maybe this will help you!
Also, since you don't have many guests, maybe your parents and wedding party can help spread information by word of mouth.
I think psu01's suggestion is the best one. personally, I'd be mildly mildly offended by a program that listed price ranges. it may be menu info, but it sounds like admission price to hang out with you even if it isn't.
Spreading it by word of mouth sounds like your best option. I agree with Ms. Popcorn -- if not offended I'd at least be a little put off by a price schedule.
I think word of mouth is also the best bet. If you're not paying for these events, they're not officially part of the weekend and probably don't warrant a spot on a printed "schedule of events". I'd keep it to a casual verbal invitation: "Tonight we thought we'd grab drinks at Bar X, everyone's invited."
The only problem with the word of mouth suggestion is that word of mouth doesn't always get around. If only 25 people are going to be there, they'll probably all be pretty close to the couple. In that case, it seems like the chance of offending them by suggesting they'll have to pay for their own breakfast, etc, if they come to breakfast is much less than the chance they'll be disappointed if they miss an oppurtunity to hang out with you. If breakfast, etc. is not hosted, they'd already have to pay for it, and most would rather spend more time with the happy couple than eat alone.
Something akin to the wording suggested by psu01 would work wonderfully.
As a bride, I wondered how to let people know that we were (or weren't) paying for things, and as a guest, I've wondered if I would or wouldn't have to pay for things. I appreciate knowing what's going on ahead of time, and I wouldn't find it at all offensive or off-putting if there was a clear but gentle indication that guests have to pay for certain things.
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I believe it is officially called a "no host" event. We put the lunch the next day on the list of events as a "no host brunch at such-and-such restaurant starting around 11 am - we would love it if you joined us."
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I think not paying for a breakfast the day of is fine but if you are asking people to travel for your wedding...you really should host a welcome/rehearsal dinner. Maybe rework the budget a bit to be able to cover this or something. I think if I were asked to pay to travel to a wedding and then also pay for every meal there (with the exception of the reception) I might be a bit miffed. Asking guests to foot the bill at the rehearsal is a bit tacky, if you ask me.
"No host" is the correct term. And while you can let people know that there are "no host" events throughout the weekend, I wouldn't officially call one of those events the RD, and I wouldn't officially "invite" your guests to these events. Maybe an informal note included with the invitation, and listing the various "no host" events that you have planned - or even a page in a general information packet that you send to them discussing accomodations and such. I generally agree with arm87 that if you're not hosting the breakfast or dinner, your guests pretty much have the option to attend or not, as they like. On the other hand, as your guests, I'm sure I would understand - just because you're inviting me to a DW doesn't imply that you're offerring to pick up the cost of all the meals.
I have to agree with Mrs.Spitzer, I think if you're having a destination wedding and everyone is flying in, it's polite to have another hosted event. It may not be required by etiquette, but I think I'd be a little miffed.
Well people being upset or not... we honestly cannot afford to spent $2000 on food for our guests... and that is what it would cost if we did both dinners. We are not having a rehearsal dinner because there is nothing to rehearse... no wedding party or anything. We basically told people we are getting married in Florida... we understand if you can't come but if you feel like making a vacation out of it we'd love to see you there. So I guess I don't feel like we should have to pay for more than the reception. I think spreading it by word of mouth will be our best bet... and most of our guests will understand. And since our guests are doctors, lawyers, etc... and we are pretty much poor... I don't think anyone will mind much.
I sent an email to my 30 guests for the weekend lineup and this is what I said:
Friday, November 7th
Nothing "official" planned. Assuming you will be able to arrive in time for dinner, let's grab a bite, drink beer, and celebrate being legally single for one last night!
Then I'm spreading the word that we're not having a rehersal dinner, that we'll be at such and such place if they want to eat! We are paying for Brunch assuming people are still around.
I have family coming over to NY from England and as much as I would love to have paid for more we can only afford the reception costs for them. I worded my STD:
We understand it’s a lot to ask you to fly all the way across the Atlantic
Ocean to come to our wedding. But as special people in our lives we
would love for you to be a part of our ‘Big Day’.
(And you can use this as an excuse to see the bright lights of New York City!) We have been looking into flights and the best deals are on ........ We are also organising special rates at hotels in Manhattan and near the wedding.
You could word it to suit your situation saying you would like them to come to dinner and breakfast but understand they have already paid alot to come to the actual wedding. That then, without actually saying tells them they will have to pay. If that makes sense? Hope that helped. x
Honestly, if you cannot afford it, I don't think you should be having a destination wedding. It's just tacky to have a destination wedding, have people fly all the way to Florida and pay for lodging, perhaps a rental car, and then give a gift, and then have them pay for their meal on Friday night. How would you feel if your guests did not give you a gift because they spent all that money on airfare, lodging and their meals? Also, I am a lawyer and I don' t have beaucoups of money. I really hate when people say things like, "oh you are a lawyer, you can afford it." One of my friends said this about me when I was her bridesmaid as a way of justifying all the expenses for the dresses, the hairdo we were required to get, the lodging, the shower, etc. It's a really terrible way to think about other people. You think that you are hurting with money, but you don't know what other people have (exorbitant college and law school loans, mortgages, kids' tuition, car payments, etc.) You should be a little more grateful... Not to be harsh, but I'm just really sensitive to those kind of comments when people make assumptions about your financial situation.
I have to agree with ButtercupPrism. Why not do something really casual for Friday night, like rent out a banquet room at a pizza place or something? Or have a picnic in a local park-- rent out a pavilion and get a BBQ place to cater, something like that. Even hors d'oeuvres would work. I personally would be put off if I got a program listing prices for me to hang out with the bride & groom. If people are traveling a long way to spend time with you, it's the least you can do.
Personally, I think if you tell them what's going to be paid for and not paid for they can make the decision on their own if they can afford to attend your wedding.
It's not tacky at all to make people pay for a Friday night dinner - if they know what they are in for! Chances are since you're having a really small wedding, it is going to be really nice. We're paying $150 a head for FOOD & BAR on our wedding night and paying for brunch the next day (30 people total). I personally believe my guests would like a wonderful wedding dinner rather than a step below (or no open bar) and pizza on Friday night. At least, that's what I would want. ;)
tobewed09, just over communicate in a polite fashion and your guests will be fine as long as you set expectations.
Ok This post is enough to tell me I'm not posting on this board anymore. And I am not assuming about how much money they make... we know how much money they make because they flaunt it. We were having a destination wedding because we can't afford to have 100 guests... we did it on purpose. Thanks for calling me tacky though. That was tacky of you. Oh and as for expecting gifts... we have already spread word of mouth not to have them. Have fun planning your perfect weddings. Good luck.
Tobewed09-
When you post on these boards you are opening yourself up to the ideas/comments/opinions of others, both good and bad. Could some of the negative reactions to your plans be worded more gently or more tactfully...probably, yes. Are people entitled to their opinions when you make your choices public? That's also a yes.
Some people will expect to be treated to a rehearsal type dinner if they are traveling to a wedding. Not being treated to a rehearsal dinner might make some people upset and others might not care at all. But it sounds like you know that already.
I think we are all offering our advice/suggestions/opinions based on our experiences with our own weddings and weddings we have attended. Based on that, I stick to my original opinion that not providing a rehearsal dinner to the group of people who traveled to your wedding is not very hospitable. I don't mean to offend you or upset you by saying that...it is just my opinion based on my experiences. Other people will, obviously, feel differently.
If you feel that having no host events is appropriate for you and your wedding then, go for it. Just please recognize that other people have different experiences and different ideas about how weddings go. Not necessarily better or worse...just different. Good luck with your planning.
Well there you go! In my mind planning a destination wedding just for the purpose of cutting your list so some people who are short on cash like you can't make it, is the tackiest of all.
To Candi1024's comment...well then I'm tacky too! If I had my wedding locally (and we are paying for the whole shabang) we would be inviting close to 200 peeps and a good chunk of them I would barely know. Having a destination wedding allowed me to cut my guest list enormously and be able to just invite close family and friends.
Maybe I should start a tacky destination wedding club. Tobewed09, would you like to join me?!
Wow. I'm not sure when it became tacky not to pay for things for your guests (other than your reception, of course.) It's a nice gesture if you can afford it but if you can't, you shouldn't worry about it. Seriously. If your guests are upset, they're spoiled.
Clearly listing the prices will a) let people know the events aren't free and b) give them a sense of whether or not they can afford to attend. I think that's a great idea.
Sign me up for the tacky destination wedding club too!
I am also planning a destination wedding. We are doing partly because we love our location and partly to ensure the intimate, family feel I have always wanted for my wedding. None of my family is rolling in cash, but they have all expressed willingness to splurge for this once in a lifetime event and I love them for it. Other people will be invited and I hope they can make it. If they can't (or don't want to spend the money, a perfectly understandable concern) they will be invited to a small party at our new home shortly after the wedding. Really, as long as my FI is there, I will have a wonderful time. Other people willing to come along are a welcome bonus, but not one I can afford to pay the bill for all weekend long.
I think there is nothing wrong with Tobewed09's concept.
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In my mind, it's not about being tacky or not, it's just a matter of being a gracious host. There is definitely no requirement that you provide multiple meals, and not providing it doesn't make you un-gracious, but I think there is a sense that the event should match the location. If you're having a wedding at a fancy ballroom, then it probably shouldn't be a casual dessert only affair with a cash bar.
I think, generally, that if most people have to fly long distances (which often means taking a day off work) you should try and extend as much hospitality to them as possible, and generally i think that means providing an additional meal. It can be super casual and low-key, but ideally it's something.
To me, it's not "tacky" if you don't do it, it's just not as gracious.
I don't see what the deal is with people being miffed over this topic. Like Livvie just said, it's not tacky if you don't do it, but it certainly isn't as gracious. Regardless of the fact that one's guest list includes people who are financially advanced doesn't really change the fact that those people are still taking time off from work, kids, families, etc to attend your wedding. Sure, they can probably afford to buy their own dinners if they managed to attend your destination wedding at all, but really, shouldn't it be seen as a gesture of appreciation if you treated these people to a simple meal? Why wouldn't you want to thank people for coming and celebrating with you?
Personally, I've long given up on when to "expect" hosts to pay for things. These days, it seems anything goes, so if I attend an event (whether as a guest or in this case, member of the bridal party), it's worked in my favor to make sure I can pay for everything myself if I need to. When the host decides to be gracious and foot the bill, it's then a pleasant surprise.
"Tacky" or not, if you can't afford it, you can't do it. Some of the guests might be "miffed," but you are keeping yourself from going into debt by spending money you don't have to feed them 3 meals. I'm sure everyone will remember the beautiful intimate wedding reception that you paid for, and not the prewedding dinner or post wedding brunch.
Honestly, I think that the bride will know what is "tacky" or not for her own wedding. I'm from a rural town in the Midwest and am sometimes baffled at what some of you say is "necessary spending" or "tacky", because it is unheard of in my area/culture, and think that a lot of what you spend money on is "wasteful" or "extremely unnecessary and a huge waste of money". So, even though this is on a board, I think it is important to remember that in the bride's family or friend circle, what she is doing may be perfecly okay, and that what you think involves being a "gracious hostess" or "not tacky" may seem really necessary for you and your family. It just depends on everybody's situation---and I think that this can be expressed in board posts without hurting feelings.
I'm basically just saying that when I read this thread I was appalled at how some of the posts were name-calling, and think that we should be more considerate when posting. After being married for a year, I can really say that you will not remember what people thought about your wedding, because someone will think that it was weird or really cool or just okay or whatever--but the thing that matters is that you will be married to the one you love the most.
Really---that is the ONE complaint I have about weddingbee. I don't think that small town weddings are represented enough on the blog and think it would be refreshing to see a bee who is from a small town (i.e. population of 3,000-5,000) at some point. I wish I would have known about Weddingbee when I was planning my wedding so I could have tried out! :-/
Oh dear... we were planning on having an after party after our reception at a local bar for just our close friends- without all those peripheral socially necessary invites. And we're not going to pay because we're poor! And we were just going to invite people along informally ... oh but now we can't... too tacky. Instead I guess we'll just have to go home after our daytime reception ends and not see them again... since we can't afford to pay. wouldn't want to offend anyone.
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Hello! We are having a destination wedding in Miami Beach in June 2009. We don't expect many guests... maybe 25... and have decided to make a weekend schedule letting them know where we will be and what we will be doing during the entire weekend. The only things we plan on paying for is the wedding/reception. We will be having dinner the night before on the beach (very casual) and want them to know they can join us... but that we aren't paying. Also... we will be having breakfast the morning of the wedding... also... we don't mind if anyone joins us but we just can't afford to pay for all of this. The reception itself is going to kill us! Is there a proper way of wording this without sounding cheap?
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